This coming August Bank Holiday a group of UFO enthusiasts will be baring their bottoms on a Welsh mountain side in the belief that they will be taken from behind by aliens. “It’s the standard intergalactic means of greeting,” says Glenn Tootland, the group’s spokesperson. “Throughout the cosmos sentient beings see it as the ultimate sign of trust, that you are willing to turn your back on a stranger and allow them to enter your bared behind.” According to Tootland, the aliens contacted him in a lay-by near Preston to inform him of the mass contact event. “It’s their regular contact place – every Tuesday I park there in my car and wait to see if they have a message,” he reveals. “As soon as I see the lights of their spaceship appear in my rear view mirror, I get out of the car, drop my trousers and wait to be taken!” As the aliens take him from behind, Tootland claims that they enter into telepathic communication with him. “As I’m thrown across the bonnet of my car and their ice cold probe slides into my rectum, I hear their strange guttural voices in my ear, grunting and gasping as they try to master our language,” says the fifty three year old telephone engineer. “Often I can barely understand what they are saying. But this time they clearly told me to gather together the other contactees and prepare for a major event on the mountain.” Whilst Tootland is convinced that the aliens are benign and that the Bank Holiday event will herald them revealing themselves to the world, other UFOlogists are more sceptical. “They’re clearly immoral perverts taking advantage of the weak and gullible,” declares Leonard Jossty, president of the East Anglia UFO Contactee Society, who meet every Thursday night at the ‘Severed Foot’ public house in Harwich. “Everybody knows that the galaxy is rife with such deviants, who cruise solar systems looking for innocent life forms who aren’t advanced enough to realise that they are being abused!” The heavily bearded librarian claims that his group have compiled a catalogue of incidents in which unsuspecting humans have fallen into the clutches of evil alien perverts. “Often they are abducted after being lured into the aliens’ shiny spaceships with promises of sex with beautiful extraterrestial women, or sometimes just boiled sweets,” Jossty says. “Once there, they find themselves subjected to all manner of filthy depredations, often disguised as scientific experiments!” These depredations often include painful anal probes, electrodes attached to the testicles or nipples, or simply general groping.
Amongst the most perplexing cases chronicled by Jossty’s group is the tale of 42 year old Rose Millar of Bracknell, who apparently experienced a highly disturbing alien abduction experience. The petite divorcee has told of how, after a night out with friends at a local club, she was awakened in the night to find her bedroom filled with an intense white light. “I was completely paralysed”, she claims. “I could see two figures silhouetted in the light, then I blacked out. Next thing I knew I was lying on an examination table in this strange room!” Three strange figures then entered the room. “Two of them were tall, and walked as if they were wearing high heels, whilst the third was much shorter”, Millar recalls. “The short one approached me and I could see that its face was smooth and featureless. I could also see that it was wearing something on its head. With a shock I realised that it was wearing a wig!” Millar believes that the alien could have been wearing the wig, which she describes as being ginger and curly, to lessen the impact of its bizarre appearance and thereby reassure her. She claims that she recalls nothing more of the abduction, with her next recollection being of waking up the next morning with a splitting headache. “I don’t know what inhuman experiments they carried out on me, but I was throwing up all morning”, she informed us. Sceptics have called Millar’s account into question, pointing out that, by her own admission, she had drunk in excess of five pints of Guinness and at least six cocktails prior to her experiences. Nevertheless, Jossty believes that a second incident in the Bracknell area, around the same time, adds credence to Millar’s story. Bricklayer Kevin Lipring told researchers of how, as he walked home from his local pub, clutching a bag of chips, he encountered a pair of strange beings at a bus-stop. “From a distance I just thought they were a pair of girls waiting for the night bus – they were wearing short skirts, high heels, the full works”, he recollected. “I walked over to them to tell them they had missed the last bus and offer to escort them home, when I realised something was amiss. As I got closer I realised that their facial features were simply not human. Without warning, one of them spewed a foul smelling liquid all over me, whilst the other one stunned me with a powerful weapon disguised as a handbag.” When Lipring came to, the aliens had vanished. “I knew I must have been out for some time, my chips had gone cold”, he mused. “I should have realised that there was something wrong earlier. I mean, looking back it now seems obvious that their legs were unfeasibly long and their breasts seemed to defy gravity.”
“It’s surely too much to be coincidence that two local people, completely unknown to one another, should both come up with such bizarre stories about encounters with creatures clearly not of this world,” Jossty opines. “And these weren’t the only perversely alien encounters in the Bracknell area around that time.” Indeed, the Bracknell area was simultaneously blighted by a spate of animal molestations, with several flocks of sheep being sexually assaulted and a whole herd of cows buggered. Local farmers were convinced that aliens are behind these attacks. “What else could it be?”, asked ruddy-faced rustic Teddy Poon, when interviewed by a local newspaper. “No normal man would have the stamina to molest an entire herd in only one night. Only a madman would attempt it – or an alien with superhuman sexual powers.” The idea that alien sex deviants were behind these strange phenomena was been reinforced by a series of UFO sightings in the area. Local pensioner Mabel Mott told Jossty how she and her husband saw a strange craft hanging in the sky one evening around the time of the cattle molestations. “I’m convinced it was a spaceship – it was the traditional cigar shape, and there was no moon out, or any low flying aircraft around that evening – there’s no other explanation”, the 78-year old explained to the UFO investigator. “It was pink and glowing”, her equally decrepit husband Percy added. “Also, instead of being horizontal, it seemed to hang at an angle, one end drooping toward the ground.” However, despite the overwhelming evidence of extraterrestial sexual exploitation presented by Jossty, Tootland remains unmoved. “Such incidents are merely misunderstandings stemming from the human race’s immaturity,” he argues. “We still find it impossible to interpret the penetration of our orifices in anything but a crudely sexual way. I look forward to the day when I won’t be considered a sex pest for firmly grasping a strange woman’s breasts in public and jiggling them up and down, and instead it will be recognised as a legitimate form of non-verbal communication. Hopefully, once we’ve all been given a good mass buggering by the aliens, the human race will finally be brought to galactic maturity!”