Has one of the world’s most mysterious organisations finally given up its secrets? Journalist ‘Big Tim’ Frickler certainly believes so, telling The Sleaze that he has finally infiltrated the annual meeting of the notorious ‘Premier Group’. “It wasn’t easy, these people are even more secretive than the Bilderberg Group,” explained the reporter, who has worked extensively in the alternative press, currently writing for the Luton Free Press. “Their meetings have even less publicity and, for the past ten years, have effectively flown under the radar of most conspiracy theorists.” Like the Bilderberg Group – a shadowy organisation which brings together a hundred and fifty top politicians, financiers and businessmen every year for secret discussions – the so called ‘Premier’ group holds its annual meeting in a different hotel every year. “Unlike Bilderberg, which draws attention to itself by setting up in some swanky four star hotel in a different country each year, this other group holds its meetings in some low-rent budget hotel in some unfashionable part of the UK,” Frickler continued. “I’ve managed to identify previous ‘Premier’ meetings at the Comfort Inn in Solihull, a Travelodge at a motorway services near Swindon and a B&B in Scunthorpe. No wonder they’ve managed to keep such a low profile.” This year’s meeting, the journalist discovered, was being held at the White Lodge, a small family-owned hotel on the outskirts of New Milton. “Of course, there were the usual denials when I made enquiries,” he said. “When I rang the hotel up the receptionist flatly denied that any secret international groups were holding meetings there, claiming that they didn’t have the facilities for such events. Even when I got the manager on the phone, the deception continued, with him trying to tell me that they only had ten bedrooms and no conference room!”

Undeterred, Frickler staked the premises out, watching comings and goings at the hotel from his car, parked across the street. “I finally hit the jackpot when I saw a group of half a dozen people who I knew to be members of the group getting off of a bus at the bus stop down the road,” he revealed. “They quickly made their way to the hotel – it was clear that their sinister meeting was on!” However, no sooner had Frickler spotted his quarry, than he found himself under surveillance. “I saw this menacing figure in my side mirror – it was approaching my car at a rapid pace,” he recalled. “It seemed to dressed as some kind of traffic warden – but I knew that there were no parking restrictions on that bit of road! I just put the car in gear and got out of there as quickly as possible!” Frickler later returned to the hotel and – at considerable personal risk – succeeded in infiltrating the secret meeting. “With the aid of a fake moustache I booked into the place as a travelling salesman,” he explained. “Despite the claims that the hotel had no conference facilities, I found the conspirators in the dining room and, hiding under a table, was able to eavesdrop on some of their discussions.” Before Frickler was discovered, by a cleaner running her vacuum cleaner under the table he was concealed beneath, he was able to hear the group talking about ‘cleaning out’ a major bank and ‘clearing up the mess’ of several major public figures. “I would have heard more if that so called ‘cleaner’ hadn’t decided to hoover a perfectly clean section of carpet,” he laments. “But what I did hear just went to prove that these guys are major behind the scenes players in global economics and politics – they can apparently manipulate the banking system and cover up the horrendous crimes of the wealthy and powerful!”

Despite breaking the story in the Luton Free Press, Bedfordshire’s leading underground newspaper, Frickler has been disappointed by the lack of response from the mainstream conspiracy media. “The trouble with those guys is that they are so blinkered when it comes to international conspiracies – it all begins and ends with bloody Bilderberg for them,” he told The Sleaze. “They need to wake up and realise that Bilderberg is not the only conspiracy out there!” Nevertheless, reaction in the conspiracy theory community to his initial article remained lukewarm, with critics pointing to the vagueness of his findings. “We’re still none the wiser at to exactly who these ‘Premier’ group people are, let alone what they actually do,” remarked Rick Strangless, deputy editor of Practical Conspiracy magazine. “With Bilderberg we know exactly who they are and have a pretty good idea of what it is the bastards get up to.” However, the situation changed after Worcester handyman Arthur Colostomier, who claims to be the main organiser of the ‘Premier’ group, contacted another underground newspaper, the Bedford Spotlight, offering to reveal all about the organisation and its activities.

“It all started as a joke really, we’d heard about this Bilderberg Group which was a secret meeting of the most important and influential people in the industrialised world, so me and some mates decided we’d have our own annual meeting of the least significant people we could find,” he told the paper. “As Bilderberg named itself after the first hotel it held its meetings at, we called ourselves the ‘Premier’ group after our first venue: the Premier Inn in Watford.” According to Colostomier the group isn’t involved in any kind of conspiracy, rather it is simply a social gathering at which those in low paid, ‘invisible’, jobs could share their experiences. “Just because we go through life unnoticed, doesn’t mean that what we do can’t affect people’s lives as much as the activities of bankers and politicians do,” the fifty three year old explained. “Without all those low paid hospital cleaners, infections would run riot, for instance. Imagine what our streets and offices would be like if not for that invisible army of workers cleaning up the messes left by the better off? That’s why we’ve kept the meetings going – in a way discussing our work amongst ourselves validates our own existences.” Colostomier also denied that his groups activities were in any way secretive. “It’s just that nobody has ever taken any interest in anything we do – so why should they have noticed our meetings?” he pointed out. “There was no need for that reporter to spend all that time hiding under tables – all had to do was ask and we would have talked to him.”

The Bedford Spotlight article has, naturally, sent shockwaves through the conspiracy community. Despite his irritation at being trumped by a rival publication, Frickler believes that it has vindicated his original investigation. “My piece obviously spooked them enough to make them break cover – when any secret group goes out of its way to deny that it is involved in a conspiracy, it’s clear proof the they are involved in one!” Rick Strangless agrees, calling the new article a ‘game changer’. “This implies that there is some kind of ‘Conspiracy of the Insignificant’ going on,” he told readers of his magazine in its latest editorial. “Nobody is going to believe that these cleaners, porters and janitors get together every year just for some kind of cosy chat – clearly they are plotting to use their privileged positions as effectively ‘invisible’ actors in the world’s major institutions to influence world events. Who knows what the consequences could be if, for instance, they saw to it that David Cameron ran out of toilet paper at Number Ten when he goes to ‘bury a quaker’ in the middle of renegotiating Britain’s membership of the EU? The mind boggles! Clearly, we’re going to have to keep a close eye on theses supposed nobodies if we are to expose their sinister activities!”