Punters seeking easy sexual thrills in downtown LA have recently been startled to find themselves being propositioned by nuns. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” says Gerry Yankov, a regular john in the area. “I was cruising the streets just off Sunset Strip, looking for some action, when this nun suddenly steps out of the shadows – as well as her habit, she was wearing full make-up and high heels! She leant into the car and offered me a hand job for ten bucks, oral for thirty or full sex for a hundred! Next thing I know I’m getting my cookies blown off by a gospel-whanger!” However, this is not simply a case of local prostitutes indulging in the latest fetish so as to titillate the jaded sexual palates of their tricks – these are real-life nuns on a mission to bring the word of God to even the lowest of sinners, as the likes of Yankov have found out. “Before going down on me she made the sign of the cross and clasped my dick between her hands as if she was praying! She kept humming hymn tunes all through it! When I came her head sprang up and she shouted ‘Hallelujah!’ – spraying semen all over my face. She said to look on it as a baptism,” he recalls. “Afterwards she insisted we prayed together and blessed me! I’ve got to admit, she gave good head, but I’m damned glad I didn’t opt for just a hand job – there’s no knowing how long a sermon she’d have given me if her mouth had been free!”
These ‘Holy Hookers’ are members of the Church of St John-Thomas the Priapic, a radical Christian sect which believes in deploying the full panoply of the sex-trade in support of God. “It was when I was working as a priest in LA’s red light district that I realised the conventional Church was failing to bring the word of Christ to the poor souls working in the sex industry,” explains the Church’s founder, Father Rod Thrumster, formerly an ordained Roman Catholic priest. “I realised that we had to be able to speak to them in a language they would understand. Then it came to me – if Our Father truly is the God of love, then surely the physical expression of love – sex – must be the ultimate form of worship! Therefore the language of love was surely what we should be using to communicate with them!” Thrumster enthusiastically set about ‘converting’ the prostitutes he regularly encountered in his parish. “I well remember my first conversion,” he muses. “She was a young girl, not long turned to prostitution, I encountered selling herself on the street. I told her I wanted to enter her gates of paradise in order to save her soul! As I went down on her I asked her if she could feel the Holy Spirit entering her – ‘Jesus yes!’ she cried in reply. She later told me that she felt she was filled with the love of God at the moment of climax!” However, the Roman Catholic authorities took a dim view of his ‘conversions’ and Thrumster soon found himself excommunicated.
His response was to set-up his own Church in an abandoned warehouse, and to send his nuns out onto the streets in search of new converts. One punter has described his experiences in Thrumster’s Church. “This nun approached me on Hollywood Boulevard and told me she knew a place where I could have a good time – the next thing I knew, I was standing outside this crazy back street church,” says Joe Woodrow. “It was amazing – a huge and garish plastic effigy of Jesus on the cross hung over the entrance.! He was depicted with a huge illuminated erection and his eyes turned heavenward in ecstasy! I suspected then that this was no ordinary church!” Indeed, the Church of St John-Thomas the Priapic takes the term ‘religious service’ quite literally, as Woodrow discovered.
“Inside it was even more amazing! The whole place was decked out like a brothel, but with an organ belting out hymns in the corner instead of a piano! The whole thing was presided over by a Mother Superior, who could arrange for one of the Sisters to take care of your needs in exchange for a small contribution to the Church fund,” he enthusiastically recollects. “They offered just about everything – I saw one guy strapped naked to a cross being whipped by a nun wearing only a wimple, stockings and suspenders! I also saw incense burners being used to drip hot wax on guys and one nun offered to give me a special ‘golden baptism’! Eventually I just settled for straight sex with Sister Roxette. It was pretty good and there is no denying that getting off with a nun dressed in full uniform is quite a kick, but I found the way she sang ‘Come All ye Faithful’ during the act pretty disturbing. Also, whilst I’m not religious, I did find the way she used her crucifix as a sex aid a bit sacrilegious – she shoved it up her ass and pulled it out as she came! I also found the way they came round with a collection tray part way through pretty off-putting! Still, it was the only whore house I’ve ever been to which had a Bible in every room!”
Thrumster has little time for the critics who dismiss his Church as merely a tasteless gimmick with which to sell sex. “What is wrong with enjoying yourself whilst worshiping?” he asks. “That is the trouble with the established Church – it is all too doom-laden and depressing!” He also defends his Church’s depiction of Christ with a huge erection. “The penis should be worshipped! It is the bringer of miracles,” he enthuses. “It delivers the miracle of life through the act of sex, not to mention the holy ecstasy of the orgasm – a taste of heaven on earth!” Thrumster is planning to expand his Church’s activities with the launch of a line of sex-aids, including the ‘Twelve Apostles’ dildo range (‘the largest – the St Peter – is guaranteed to take you to the Gates of Paradise’), the ‘Archangel Gabriel’ vibrator (‘you will think the Last Trump has sounded’) and the ‘Baby Jesus’ butt plug.