“I remember the good old days when you could call a Paki a ‘darkie’, firebomb a house full of blacks, punch your wife in the face for being late with your dinner, then go down the pub and stick your hand up the barmaid’s skirt and get off with a warning at the magistrates’ court,” reminisces seventy three year old Albert Watkiss, following his recent conviction for spitting at a Chinese man for allegedly spreading Covid. “It is just political correctness gone mad these days that not even an Englishman’s country is his castle, let alone his home. Not only do we have to let all these foreign bastards in, but apparently we have to be polite and not hurt their feelings!” Having been fined five hundred pounds and sentenced to three hundred hours of community service, Watkiss is one of a growing number of Britons, disillusioned with the post-Brexit UK who are vowing to go elsewhere. “I thought that leaving the EU would mean that we could take our country back and reassert ourselves as proud Englishmen,” he explains. “Instead, we’re still letting all these foreign buggers walk all over us, bringing their bloody exotic diseases here! They’re taking over: we’ve even got them in government – a Tory government, for God’s sake – lording it over us! Surely there must be somewhere left in the world where a white man can exercise his natural superiority?”
The prayers of Watkiss and other like minded Britons could be about to be answered, with a new British company – Imperialist Tours and Leisure – promising potential customers the opportunity to experience a ‘white man’s delight holiday’. “We’re on the verge of actually acquiring a small country,” says company director Sam Frikes. “Once we’re in control, we’ll be able to install our own government and institute our own laws – believe me, all forms of ‘wokery’ will be outlawed, that’s for sure!” According to Frikes, their company owned country will enforce a ‘colour-coded’ social and legal system that puts white people firmly at the top and black people at the bottom. “The lower on the scale you are, the fewer rights you will have,” Frike says. “Right at the very top will be white visitors, who will be able to beat, insult and abuse those below them as much as they like, with no fear of any come backs. Damn it, you could burn down an entire village if you like – just so long as the inhabitants are all darker than you!” Frike is at pains to emphasise that his company’s proposed regime won’t simply be racist. “There will be other factors for discrimination,” he assures potential clients. “Religion, for instance. Clearly, Christianity and most specifically Anglicanism, will have a protected status, but everything else will be classified on a scale of paganism: the more pagan it is, the fewer protections its adherents will have. So, if you fancy desecrating a church, just make sure it is a mosque, synagogue or a temple belonging to one of those whacky, beardy weirdie, arm waving religions and you’ll be all right.”
Gender will apparently be another demarcation point for discrimination. “Women, obviously, will be fair game. But we’re not uncivilised for God’s sake, so if they are white then a grope and some fondling is as far as you can go,” he explains. “If they aren’t white, mind you, then anything goes. As for homos, trannies and the like – you can hang the freaks from lampposts for all we care.” He added that buggery wouldn’t, however, be illegal, just so long as it was good old fashioned public school style manly buggery between chaps. Frike’s proposals have been met with cautious enthusiasm by Watkiss and his ilk, with their main worry being that of cost. “You know, I like the idea of spending a couple of weeks kicking ‘darkies’, slapping women and generally putting them all in their place, but there’s only so far a pension can stretch,” the retired organ grinder opines. “My worry is that this another of those schemes which, in reality, will be only for the rich and freeze the white working classes out of their share of legal bigotry.” Frike, though, has been quick to reassure his potential customers that cheap, no-frills, bigotry package tours, which will include a guaranteed number of house burnings, sexual assaults and incidents of racially aggravated violence, will be available. “Bigotry is for everyone,” a beaming Frike declared. “Well, everyone white, that is.” Watkiss’ other main reservation is that the holidays might involve having to travel to Africa or Asia, the most likely locations of the company’s country. “People needn’t worry – we intend making it look as much like England as possible,” says Frike. “England in the seventies, that is – pubs, chip shops, dog shit and litter on the streets, alley ways stinking of piss and peeling paintwork. But with sunshine and fags – smoking will be compulsory everywhere!”
Doubts have been cast on Imperialist Tours and Leisure’s ability to deliver on its promises, with many questioning whether it really does have the wherewithal to actually buy an entire country. “It’s a tall order, even to take over a small country,” muses Pat Tarmolly, senior lecturer in Geopolitics at West Ruislip Young Offenders Institute. “There was that attempt some years ago to use mercenaries to take over Equatorial Guinea – something to do with Mark Thatcher trying to buy his mother a country to keep her occupied in retirement, or something, as I recall. But that failed badly, so I’m not sure the military option would be viable.” Tarmolly thinks it far more likely that the company will instead try to ‘buy’ a country, by bribing its government and purchasing its national assets, although that would require considerable capital. “Mind you, it has been strongly rumoured that Imperialist is being bankrolled by several of the billionaires who previously backed Brexit,” he ponders. “There has even been talk – unconfirmed, of course – that some of Boris Johnson’s wealthiest cabinet ministers might be involved.”
Frike is remaining tight-lipped as to the means by which his company means to buy a country, let alone its location and can currently offer no timescale. In the meantime, Imperialist are offering more limited ‘politically incorrect’ holiday packages, having done deals with a number of dictatorships and authoritarian regimes around the world. “We’ll be able to offer the possibility of participating in some honest-to-goodness torture of political prisoners, maybe even a bit of rape and sexual violence toward dissident women” he enthuses. “Plus, there’s a very real possibility that President Duterte of the Philippines might agree to allow some of clients to throw drug dealers out of his helicopter – it is all very exciting!” While Imperialist’s services are being aimed primarily at UK customers, they have also excited some interest farther afield. “God damn, I like the idea of burning down a village – takes me back to the good times in ‘Nam,” says retired US Army Colonel Vince Neckert of Omaha, Nebraska. “The question is, how does yellow fit into their prejudice colour coding system, is it darker or lighter than black?”
