Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with an ‘Attack of the Crabs’.
Dear Reverend,
As I’m sure that you are aware from recent newspaper reports, a small English seaside town is currently under attack from what the press describe as ‘abnormally large crabs’, which have caused serious injuries to several bathers and local residents. Now, well I’m aware that crazed crustacean assaults wouldn’t normally fall within your remit, not being of a spiritual or even paranormal nature, but these are no regular crabs, regardless of their size. They are, in fact, giant mutated pubic lice, which have overrun the town and damn near castrated several men. Moreover, they have developed a habit of lurking, unseen, in the pubic hair of men, leaping out to attack their partners as they are about to make love. Distressingly, they seem sex obsessed, aiming their pincers straight for the ladies’ nipples for a tweak, before diving ‘downstairs’ to wreak havoc and invoke uncontrollable orgasms.
How, you doubtless ask, do I know so much about these creatures? I am ashamed to say that I am responsible for their creation. You see, for many years I’ve been running a sexual research and treatment clinic just outside the town in question, specialising in treating the sexual problems of the rich and famous. You’d be surprised how many male celebrities are insecure about the size of their manhood – consequently I have developed a revolutionary penis enlargement ray, which, when trained on the problem area for several hours, causes significant enlargement. Well, it was while treating a certain well known TV presenter, who must remain nameless, that these mutants were created. He neglected to inform me that he had a dose of the ‘crabs’ – the result, he claims, of an ill advised liaison with a certain female reality TV star – resulting in these grotesquely mutated creatures. I can tell you, it was quite a shock seeing them come scurrying out of his pubes – he was screaming fit to burst my ear drums and in the shock and confusion they managed to escape the lab.
I’ve tried all the usual ways to destroy the crabs, but they seem impervious to fire and throwing bottles of that special shampoo over them has had no effect – their mutation seems to include an immunity to the stuff. I fear that the things are mutating further – the latest generation seem to be exhibiting some kind of ability to control their hosts. There have recently been unconfirmed reports of a crab hanging from the scrotum of a victim and inducing them into committing all manner of perverse sexual acts until they die of exhaustion, at which point the crab seeks a new host. I am at my wits end as to how to stop these little bastards – science seems to provide no solution. I ask you, Reverend, does your experience in the field of the strange and eccentric suggest any remedy for this growing crisis? Is there a possibility of divine intervention? Perhaps you could have a word with your boss?
Professor Crabb,
Brighton
The Rev Replies: Well, the agency of God is always a possibility in cases like these – the power of prayer is frequently underestimated. But I have to say that the mysterious ways in which the Lord moves usually involve his interventions being via purely mortal and temporal agency. The bacteria that killed the Martians in ‘The War of the Worlds’, or the atomic bomb that ended World War Two, for instance. After all, if he just solved all of our self-made problems with a miracle or a bolt of lightning, then, quite apart from undermining the concepts of free will and choice, we’d never learn from our mistakes, would we? Crazy scientists would keep on creating monsters, confident that He will intervene before it gets too far out of hand and industry would keep on pumping pollutants into the atmosphere secure in the knowledge that He won’t let the ice caps melt. So, my advice would be to keep seeking a scientific solution – that sudden inspiration you have will likely be the work of the Lord. In the meantime, it does occur to me that if these crab creatures require pubic hair to hide and presumably breed in, then a ray which makes everyone’s pubes fall out might represent a solution. In the meantime, you could perhaps try deploying a team of crack female commandos, all with shaved privates in the town, with orders to engage sexually with anyone suspected of harbouring the mutants. When the little buggers jump to them, the lack of pubic hair will confuse them long enough for the women to trap them in jars, pending a means of destroying them being found. Just a wildly impractical thought, but it might just work.
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
