What The Butler Saw

A former Royal aide has sensationally told of how he drove a murderous Prince of Wales around London every full moon in search of victims upon which the heir to the throne could sate his insane bloodlust. “We’d cruise around seedy backstreets in an official Daimler, the Prince in the backseat. He’d entice rent boys into the car by hanging his naked arse out of the window, a fifty pound note clenched between his buttocks. Once in the car, he’d ritually slaughter them with an ebony handled letter-opener, stabbing them in the anus and disembowelling them,” claims Arliss Nobbs, who worked as a butler for both the Prince and Princess of Wales for over ten years. “Sometimes the Prince would dress in his wife’s clothes and a blonde wig. On these occasions he’d get me to drop him off in King’s Cross, where he’d pose as a high class tart in order to pick up an unsuspecting punter, who he’d lure back to the car to be slaughtered.” The ex-butler was also complicit in covering up the crimes – hiding the bodies in the car’s boot until he could dismember and dispose of them. “It was no mean feat keeping London’s greatest murder spree since Jack the Ripper (who was also a member of the Royal Family) out of the papers,” he reveals. Whilst some of the dismembered body parts were dumped into the Thames, others were fed to various Royal pet dogs. “It probably explains why the Princess Royal’s dog has suddenly acquired a taste for human flesh and has started attacking members of the public.”

According to Nobbs the Prince would take a trophy from each victim – their penis. “Apparently it was symbolic of the way he felt he’d been figuratively emasculated by the powerful women who dominated his life – his mother, his grandmother, his sister and his wife.” explains the former butler. “Prince Charles may seem genial and good-natured in public, but beneath that mild mannered exterior beats the heart of a raging psychopath!” In contrast to his public persona, in private the Prince would frequently fly into fits of uncontrollable rage over trivial incidents. “He once chased a valet all around Highgrove with a shotgun – firing both barrels at him – after the hapless servant had left a floater in the Royal toilet bowl,” Nobbs confides. “Perhaps the most shocking incident came after he was thrown from his horse when it fell during a hunt. An enraged Prince Charles dowsed the unfortunate beast – which had broken a leg itself – in petrol and torched it with his lighter!”

Nobbs was also privy to extremely bizarre behaviour on the part of the Prince of Wales’ ex-wife, Diana. “She regularly sent me down to the local corner shop to buy explicit porn magazines for her eldest son,” he says. “It was all part of her way of acquainting him with the facts of life. Unfortunately, he was a very slow learner and it took him over two hundred soft-core magazines just to master the basics of masturbation. At one point I feared that I was going to have to physically pull his knob myself in order to get the message across! As it was I had to toss him off the first couple of times in order to stop him making a mess on the carpet!” Indeed, Nobbs purchased so many jazz mags from the local cornershop that its owner tried to put a sign up outside claiming that he was a ‘pornographer by Royal appointment’, but was warned off by the police.

After her divorce Princess Diana’s profligate spending frequently left her short of money, and she was forced to use extraordinary measures to raise funds. “She’d frequently hang around street corners in Soho, wearing a low-cut leopard skin top and a tight black miniskirt, touting for business. For a tenner she’d give them a quick knee-trembler in a local alley, for fifty quid she’d take the punters to a cheap hotel room,” Nobbs reveals. “I was appalled at the danger she was exposing herself to, and naturally insisted that I pimp for her, taking any likely prospects back to Kensington Palace to meet her.” Nobbs eventually persuaded her to stop demeaning herself in this way and make porn videos instead: “It was far safer and Kensington Palace was an excellent location. The staff would double up as performers – one of the footmen was incredibly well endowed, a two foot man really – and I’d direct. The videos proved very popular – we sold them over the internet for a very healthy profit!”

The one time faithful retainer’s amazing allegations about the Royal family follow the recent dismissal of theft charges originally brought against him by his former employers. Alleged to have stolen several personal items belonging to the late Princess Diana (including several compromising photographs and letters) he has always protested his innocence, claiming that he was ‘fitted up’ because he knew too much about the Royals. “I believe that it is vital that the British public know the kind of people it subsidises through its taxes,” Nobbs says in defence of his decision to accept £500,000 from a tabloid newspaper to make public his allegations, the most startling of which is that the Queen’s personal fortune is derived from her and Prince Philip’s criminal activities, including drug trafficking and robbery. “All those foreign trips are the perfect cover for bringing drugs into the country – she never gets stopped at customs! And her Ladies in Waiting are perfectly placed to distribute the stuff to upper class addicts,” he asserts, also claiming that the Queen and Prince Philip were responsible for robbing a Windsor branch of Barclays Bank in which over £600,000 was stolen. “They thought that wearing Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip novelty masks during the raid was a real laugh, but using a set of antique Purdey shotguns and making their getaway in a horse-drawn carriage was a dead give away!”

Nobbs alleges that when he confronted Here Majesty with his knowledge of her criminal activities during a private meeting at Buckingham Palace, she beat him up with a baseball bat and set her corgis on to him. He only escaped by jumping through a window. Shortly afterwards he was charged with theft. For its part, Buckingham Palace has refuted all of Nobbs’ allegations, describing them as “cobblers” and denying they have ever heard of him, let alone employed him. They also strenuously deny claims that his trial collapsed after the Queen had the Judge’s dog shot and his wife and children kidnapped, following Nobbs’ threat to screen a pornographic video of Princess Diana as evidence, or that she has been heard to say “I’ll have that double-crossing little bastard’s balls for earrings when I catch up with him!”