Were police sent to guard the mortuary holding ‘Moors Murderer’ Ian Brady’s body due to fears that an attempt would be made to resurrect him? This is the bold claim being made by some of Britain’s top tabloid newspapers. “According to our sources, a group of his acolytes – known as the ‘Ian Brady Bunch’ – have been on stand-by for the past few years, ready, in the event of Brady’s death, to storm wherever his body was held and attempt to restore him to life by means of black magic!” claims Ronnie Crapps, Crime Editor of The Shite. “Apparently they have several fully qualified witches in this group, well versed in the sort of occult rituals needed to make him a dead man walking!” The newspaper has courted further outrage by alleging that the resurrection of Brady would have involved some kind of human sacrifice, probably of a child. “It’s well known that these evil cultist types regularly kidnap children and keep them in cages, so that they always have a potential sacrificial victim on hand if they need to resurrect a deceased murderer at short notice,” Crapps asserted in a front page article, going on to speculate as to the manner of any such sacrifice. “According to my extensive research, I believe they’d suspend them by their ankles above some kind of crypt containing the remains of Brady, then slit the victim’s throat, so that their blood poured all over the body. At least, that’s what happened in Dracula, Prince of Darkness.”

Rival tabloid The Daily Norks has poured scorn on these claims. “Not only is there no evidence whatsoever that this so called ‘Ian Brady Bunch’ even exists, but The Shite’s invocation of black migic and sorcery is an affront to rationality,” declares Norks North of England Editor Chris Priggle in a front page article. “We’re not living in the Sixteenth Century, for God’s sake! It’s quite obvious that the police were guarding against the possibility of mad scientists abducting Brady’s body and reviving it through scientific means. They probably have a serum, or something, which can restore the dead to life if it is injected into a body within a few hours of death.” Priggle speculates that the scientists in question are forced to steal bodies to experiment upon because of the dangerous nature of their work. “Obviously, that sort of thing just wouldn’t be licensed by the government,” he claims. “Just having newly revived corpses walking around would be bad enough, but this serum probably has dangerous side effects – it could turn its subjects into crazed, evil dead killers. In Brady’s case, it would create an even crazier evil killer. Just like in that Chuck Norris film, Silent Rage. Is it any wonder the police were guarding his body?”

The Daily Excess, however, has a different take on the situation regarding Brady’s body, rejecting the idea of resurrection, whether by supernatural or scientific means, altogether. “It’s all nonsense – the authorities weren’t so much worried about him getting up and walking off, as they were that someone would steal his body,” says Excess Assistant Editor Stanley Tubbstep. “According to our investigations there are sick millionaires out there who actually collect the remains of notorious killers like Brady – they’ll pay millions for the bodies, which they display in their private museums of murder!” The Excess story claims that there are gangs of grave robbers prepared to steal the bodies of deceased killers to order. “We have unconfirmed reports of them digging up the corpses of several notorious serial killers in the States,” Tubbstep claims. “Obviously, a fresh corpse, like Brady’s, would be a real prize, so clearly the police have been guarding it day and night.” Warming to his theme, Tubbstep also wrote that there was a huge black market trade in even the body parts of deceased murderers, carried out on the ‘dark web’. “It doesn’t has to be a complete body – the hands of the ‘Boston Strangler’, for instance would be highly sought after, “ he explained in a front page story. “So there was a strong possibility that, if abducted, Brady’s body could have been ‘parted out’ to try and derive greater value from it!”

Even the specialist press have joined the speculation as to the police’s motives in placing a guard on Brady’s body. “Personally, I don’t think it has anything to do grave robbers, occultists or mad scientists,” opines Dexter Swab, editor of the South Yorkshire Digest of Weird Shit. “They were obviously just worried that he’d spring back into life spontaneously and renew his career as a murderous bastard. It’s what serial killers do, isn’t it? You know, like Michael Myers in Halloween, or Jason on Friday the Thirteenth.” Crapps at The Shite, however, is unwilling to let go of his paper’s black magic hypothesis. “Why won’t any local crematoriums agree to cremate his body? Are they worried that cremation will release his evil spirit, which will then possess someone else, to continue his crimes?” he speculates. “And what about all this business of people wanting guarantees that Brady’s ashes won’t be scattered on Saddleworth Moor, the scene of his crimes? Are they worried that an army of Bradys will spring up if that happens?  Could it be that his victims, buried on the Moor, will act as some kind of ritual sacrifice to make this occur via black magic?”

All of the publications involved have denied attempting to exploit the notoriety of Brady to boost their circulations with sensational headlines and entirely spurious stories. “It’s an outrageous suggestion,” Priggle angrily responds. “We’ve gone out of way to emphasise the sheer evil of Ian Brady and his accomplice Myra Hindley, describing their horrific crimes in meticulous detail. Indeed, since the day they were convicted, we haven’t let anyone forget how horrendous their deeds were, with our constant rehashing of their crimes.” Tubbstep agrees, arguing that the stories carried by his and the other tabloids are clearly in the public interest. “People have a right to feel reassured that they are safe from the threat posed by killers like Brady – even when they are dead,” he says. “If there is the slightest possibility that he could return from the grave as a murderous zombie or evil undead killer, or even if unscrupulous grave robbers are profiting from his crimes by selling his body parts, then the public has a right to know.”