Has the Queen become a homicidal maniac, suffering violent fits during which she becomes paranoid and attacks members of family and retainers with knives and axes? On the eve of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations, extraordinary claims about her behaviour have been made by an alleged Buckingham Palace insider. “This screaming figure covered in blood came running past me in the corridor, hotly pursued by a meat cleaver wielding Queen,” says Arnold Bantz, recalling the day Her Majesty attempted to kill a courtier she became convinced was trying to poison her. “It was like something out of a nightmare – the Queen was completely crazy, teeth bared and wild eyed! I was amazed at how fast she was, considering her advanced age!” This was neither the first nor the last such incident witnessed by Bantz, who was employed as a cleaner at the Palace. “There was another time that I was called out in the middle of the night to do an emergency cleaning job in one of the bedrooms,” he told The Sleaze. “I just though that one of the bastards had shit the bed after over indulging at a Royal banquet, either that or one of the corgis had pissed all over the place. But when I got there, the whole room was covered in blood – as I arrived, they were taking out some blood soaked bed linen to be burned!” It transpired that the bloody mayhem was the result of a knife fight between the Queen and an armed intruder who had managed to penetrate the Palace’s defences and had climbed through the Queen’s bedroom window.

“I was told that it was all worse than it looked – that the intruder had just been nicked by the Queen’s knife – one of Prince Philip’s old hunting knives she kept under her pillow for protection – and was a bit of bleeder,” says the former cleaner. “The household staff who attended the aftermath were told that he had been taken to hospital – but nobody ever heard of him again. He was never even charged by the police. The whole thing was hushed up and kept out of the papers!” Bantz was also told that the Queen had been convinced that the intruder had been sent by one of her children to assassinate her. “A couple of days later, she lunged at Prince Andrew with an axe, shouting that he was a ‘treacherous nonce’,” he recalls. “Luckily, he was too quick for her and got away unscathed. Her Majesty believed that he wanted to off her in order to get his share of the Royal inheritance, with which to pay off that girl who was claiming that he molested her when she was underage. Ironically, in order to keep him quiet about the attack, the Palace ended up paying him twelve million quid from the Royal coffers, which he used to keep the woman quiet.” Prince Andrew isn’t the only member of the Royal family to have faced the crazed Queen’s wrath. According to Bantz, Prince Charles found himself chased around Windsor Castle by a sword waving Queen over Christmas, while Prince William found himself menaced by an antique lance over Easter. “She’s convinced that they are all impatient for her to die, so that they can all move up the succession list, any member of staff she suspects of being in league with them gets similar treatment,” he explains. “That’s the real reason why Harry and Meghan renounced their Royal status and retreated to the States – is it any wonder they are so reluctant to return without police protection, under the circumstances?”

Bantz’s claims have been roundly rejected by both media commentators and official sources, with the latter pointing out that he is currently on the run, having recently absconded from a secure psychiatric unit where he had been a patient. “Listen, they had me committed there to try and shut me up,” he retorts. “It is what they do to anyone who gets too close to the truth – I had to get out of there and tell the world what has been going on in the Palace!” Daily Excess Royal Editor Roger Fawning-Crepe believes that Bantz is not crazy, but actually some kind of deep cover republican agent, determined to undermine the whole institution of Royalty through a campaign of misinformation. “It is typical of these people that they choose the Platinum Jubilee – a celebration of seventy glorious years of Her Majesty, God bless her, reigning over her grateful people – to spread their outrageous lies,” he declared in his most recent newspaper column. “To label our wonderful monarch a murderous maniac in this, her Jubilee year, is nothing short of treasonous – quite frankly, he needs to be taken out and shot.”
But other Royal watchers are less sure that Bantz’s allegations are entirely false. “I’m not saying that she’s turned into a knife-wielding maniac, but there could be good reason for her to be feeling paranoid,” opines Hugh Ropley-Tossington, author Muck House: Inside the Pleasure Palace and other Royal exposes. “While her family might not be trying to do her in, there actually are people out there who want to see her dead! Most specifically, they want to see her dead on her Jubilee!” Ropley-Tossington contends that it is neither impatient relatives nor republicans who want the Queen dead, but rather pagan cultists. “These guys aren’t the usual nutters who go around dancing naked at midnight or wearing weird robes and sacrificing chickens on stone altars,” he says. “We’re talking about respectable people from all walks of life, united by an ancient belief in the efficacy of blood sacrifices, specifically the sacrifices of Kings or Queens, to renew the land.” The current state of the UK – rampant corruption and law breaking in government, moral degeneration, economic collapse and social decline, can all be reversed if the monarch is sacrificed at the right time. “They believe that the health of the land is inextricably linked with the state of the monarch,” he says. “With the Queen now extremely old and in obvious decline, they believe that the UK is similarly in decline – it will only be reversed if she is offed at the most propitious time – during her Platinum Jubilee.”

Ropley-Tossington theorises that all of those invited to the ‘Platinum Party at the Palace’, both as audience members and performers, are actually cultists and this event will be where the ritual sacrifice takes place. “Don’t be surprised to see Cliff Richard pull out a ceremonial dagger, leap from the stage and stab Her Majesty to death,” he says. “Although I’d expect it to be a bit more organised than that – it will be live on TV, after all.” The top royal watcher does concede that he might be wrong and that the plotters might not be pagan cultists. “There’s always the chance that Boris Johnson and his corrupt cohorts might try to assassinate the Queen,” he says. “As a distraction from their current problems – they would undoubtedly blame it all on left-wing activists, transexuals, illegal immigrants, single mothers and the EU.” For its part, Buckingham Palace has refused to comment in detail on the allegations, a spokesperson saying only that they were ‘utter bollocks’.