Have uniform dating websites been infiltrated by jihadist terrorists? In the wake of the murder of Drummer Lee Rigby, fears are growing that UK-based Muslim fundamentalists have opened up a new front in their war against decent British values by using online services designed to enable uniform fetishists to date uniformed professionals, to target UK military personnel. “I thought I was a goner,” Lance Corporal Jim Griller told the Essex Advertiser and Anglers’ Express last week, relating his recent brush with terror. “I’d arranged to meet this bird who had contacted me through one of these sites outside the Post Office in Colchester. She sounded like a bit of a goer – mad for the old military uniform and up for a fixed bayonet charge, if you get my meaning. Anyway, I suppose I should have been suspicious when she said I’d be able to recognise her by her big chopper – when I get there, I can’t see her at first, then I spot what I think is her, with her back to me, so I shout ‘Hello darling, wanna pull the pin on my grenade?’. She spins round and I see ‘she’ is actually some hugely bearded bloody Mullah, who leaps at me, brandishing what I assumed to be a massive knife under his dress!” After a fierce struggle, during which Griller suffered several ‘love bites’ to his neck, he was able to beat off his attacker. “He tried to take me from behind – I could feel his knife jabbing into my backside,” he recalls, rejecting the official police explanation that he was the victim of mistaken identity, having mistakenly ticked the ‘male wanting to meet other males’ box on the site. “You’d think these sites would have more safeguards and vet their clients more closely – I mean, ‘she’ didn’t look anything like her photo.”
Other victims of the dating Jihad haven’t been so lucky. Private Tom Widger is facing many months of extremely painful micro-surgery after his penis was bitten off by a crazed Muslim fanatic he met on a uniform dating site. “I was bloody lucky that somebody found my todger, which had rolled under a parked car, and shoved it into an ice-filled giant cup of Coke they’d just bought at a nearby MacDonalds,” the twenty-two year old Afghanistan veteran told the Daily Excess from his hospital bed, just days after the broad daylight attack in West London. “It all happened so quickly – when she went for my groin, I thought I’d got bloody lucky! I mean, I know the old uniform is a fanny magnet, but I’d never had a git of gash so overcome she wanted to do it on the street before! But before I knew it, she had her teeth round my old man and had bitten it off and spat it into the gutter! It was bloody agony!” The attack, outside a busy kebab shop where Widger had arranged to meet the fanatic, was witnessed by several passers-by, including an entire bus-load of passengers. “At first we didn’t realise what was happening,” pensioner Andy Cobbles, who was travelling on the bus with his wife, explained to the Excess. “We just saw some young bloke on the pavement, with this woman with her face buried in his groin – we just thought she was orally pleasuring him. We thought it was a bit blatant for that time in the day, but it wasn’t that unusual for Ealing on a Tuesday afternoon. Then we saw the blood spurting everywhere and realised the bloke on the ground was screaming in agony rather than ecstasy.”
Cobbles and his wife immediately rushed from the now halted bus to try and assist the prone Widger. “The missus hit the girl with her umbrella and she pulled away from him, her eyes crazed and blood all over her mouth,” the seventy three year old recalled. “I reckon she would have gone for his scrotum next if we hadn’t intervened.” Like Griller, Widger has been a frequent user of uniform dating sites, openly identifying himself on them as a serving soldier. “They’re the best way to get some gash,” he says. “It’s practically guaranteed – the uniform is the biggest bird puller there is! They all go weak at the knees and wet at the crotch at the sight of that khaki! It tells them that you are a real man – that you’ve seen action! Trust me, it doesn’t matter that I spent my entire time in Afghanistan shovelling shit – with the media forever building us up as heroes, these birds think we’re all God’s gift! Believe me, nothing can compare when it comes to pulling: not money, education, fast cars, looks or even penis size!” Widger rejects suggestions that his attacker might actually have been a militant feminist, disgusted by his misogynistic dating site profiles where he boasts of his conquests. “She was definitely of Muslim appearance,” he says. “A bit dark and crazy looking. There’s no way she was one of those bra-burning bints – the kind of women who go on those uniform dating sites like a bit of misogyny. It’s what they’re there for, isn’t it?” Whilst surgeons are confident of reattaching the soldier’s member, they fear he might never have another erection.
The attacks have led to calls for a government crackdown on the internet. “It’s quite clear that we need more restrictions on internet access,” opines Daily Excess Security Correspondent Archibald Cheenstock. “Only UK citizens should have full access, with restrictions put on Muslims – even if they are supposedly British – foreigners and immigrants. Asylum seekers should obviously be denied all access to the web. These types only use the web to organise these kinds of hideous attacks on British soldiers and exchange child pornography.” Whilst Cheenstock was unable to cite any hard evidence to back up his claims, the idea of a crackdown has found favour in some political circles. “Everyone knows that the Jihadists’ infiltration of the uniform dating sites is just the tip of the iceberg,” declares Eric Funkle, English Defence League (EDL) prospective parliamentary candidate for East Cheam. “These bastards used the Jihadists Reunited website to secretly organise the 7/7 tune attacks and can regularly be found plotting to murder British servicemen in the Facebook ‘Behead a British Bastard’ group. Or so I’m told – I’ve had all my requests to join rejected.”
Despite the media attention the attacks have attracted, the UK authorities remain sceptical of claims that it constitutes a terror campaign. “These seem simply to be a series of unrelated incidents,” a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police has told The Sleaze. “Although we would advise serving soldiers, sailors and airmen against using these uniform dating sites as they do attract all manner of weirdoes and fetishists. Besides, there are enough fake soldiers and the like on them already, desperately hoping to attract women by dressing up in old army surplus gear.” Indeed, a tabloid newspaper has already published screen grabs of a profile on such a site apparently set up by the EDL’s Funkle, featuring him wearing camouflage, despite never having served in any military capacity. The EDL man has so far been unavailable for comment.