Representatives of former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney are playing down recent allegations that his wife, militant anti-fur campaigner Heather, attacked super model Naomi Campbell with a blunt instrument during a recent Paris fashion show. “When she saw Naomi coming down the cat walk wearing a rabbit-fur thong and matching bra, Heather just went berserk,” claims an eyewitness. “She leapt up onto the cat walk, pulled off her artificial leg and started to beat Naomi round the head with it! It was amazing how she managed to keep her balance, hopping around on her real leg whilst belting someone with the false one!” According to some reports, it took three security guards to disarm (or dis-leg) McCartney and drag her away from the battered and bruised super model. However, the McCartney camp have been quick to dismiss the reports, contending that it was all a misunderstanding, and that Mrs McCartney was merely demonstrating her stepdaughter’s new ‘Amputee Chic’ look to Miss Campbell. “Stella is introducing a new range of fashion accessories aimed at the disabled,” claimed a spokesperson. “Matching false legs and lingerie, revolutionary single-legged tights – that sort of thing. Knowing that Miss Campbell has always been such a staunch supporter of the disabled, Mrs McCartney naturally thought that this would be an opportune moment for her to demonstrate her continuing solidarity with the cause.” Despite the severity of the alleged attack, most observers had nothing but praise for Heather McCartney. “Look, if I’d had one of my legs chewed off by a pack of rabid wild dogs, I think I’d probably have a fit every time I saw something furry and want to attack it,” said one. “Under the circumstances I think that she showed remarkable restraint!”

Naomi Campbell’s fellow super model Kate Moss has left rehab in Arizona (where, it is rumoured, she spent five days meditating in the desert with only her own urine to drink, as part of her treatment), with a much firmer grip on reality. “I realise now that my entire relationship with Pete Doherty was a drug induced fantasy,” she reportedly told someone, possibly a bus driver. “I fact, I now doubt that he exists at all and suspect that he was merely a hallucination.” Doherty has vehemently denied these claims, asserting that his affair with the model was very real. “I know for a fact that we were together for six months. Well, I think it was her – it was some skinny bird,” the confused former Libertines singer told somebody else, possibly a post man. “I’m sue I’m real as well – I’ve released records for God’s sake! Or I think I have – maybe I just sang at a Karaoke night down the pub, or something?” Most independent observers believe that whilst Doherty might appear distressingly real, Moss might have a point with regard to his talent, which seems illusory, at best. For her part, Miss Moss now accepts that her belief that she was some kind of celebrity was entirely delusional. “It all seems so laughable now that I’m clean,” she told a bloke in a bus queue. “Who on earth would ever have paid someone like me thousands of pounds to advertise products and be some kind of role model for young women?”

Speaking of delusional celebrities, it seems that Hollywood heartthrob George Clooney has never really got over his stab at playing Batman. Witnesses to his recent contretemps with a London bouncer claim that the when star saw a young women apparently being abused by the security man, he vanished around the corner, only to reappear in the guise of the Dark Knight. “He came roaring back in his Batmobile, screeched to a halt and leapt out, Bat Cape flying, to confront this thug,” says passer by Ray Coppler, describing the bizarre scene he witnessed outside a West End club. “He just laid into the guy using his martial art techniques! The bouncer didn’t stand a chance – he was laid out cold within seconds and Clooney jumped back into the Batmobile and vanished into the night!” However, according to other witnesses, Clooney’s performance was far less impressive. “It wasn’t so much a Bat-suit he was wearing, more a black tablecloth he’d got from the restaurant next door – he had it over his head with two eye-holes crudely cut in it,” claims street-sweeper Brian Swelling. “And it wasn’t the Batmobile he arrived and left in, but a black cab. Apparently three drove past right past before one finally picked him up.” Swelling also claims that it was Clooney who was laid out by the bouncer rather than the other way around. “That big bastard of a bouncer was only laid out after a couple of Clooney’s bodyguards took him into the back alley and gave him a bloody good kicking,” he says. Nevertheless, Coppler is sticking to his version of events , although he now concedes that Clooney might have had help in subduing the bouncer in the form of Robin and Batgirl. A spokesperson for Mr Clooney has dismissed all of the claims as “Utter bullshit”.

If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!