A spokesperson for Mel Gibson has denied that the actor was drunk during his recent arrest in California, claiming that both his erratic driving and his unsteadiness on his feet when asked to step out of his car by police officers was down to the high-heeled women’s shoes he was wearing. “It is well known that Mr Gibson is a recovering foot-fetishist,” the spokesperson explained in a press statement. “Sadly, on the night in question he suffered a serious relapse and indulged in a form of masochistic ‘foot bondage’, forcing himself to don entirely unsuitable footwear for the purposes of perverse sexual gratification.” The statement also made clear that Gibson had not made any anti-Semitic comments to Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department Deputies during his arrest. Explaining that the officers had simply misheard the diminutive anitpodean star, his spokesperson told the press that the foot-fetishist had in fact said: “Fucking shoes…the shoes are behind every war in the world”. Clearly, she claimed, Gibson was merely expressing his opinion that many of history’s conflicts had been sparked by ill-fitting footwear. Indeed, in a 1999 interview, Mr Gibson had opined that if Hitler and the Nazis hadn’t insisted on wearing black leather jackboots, which clearly pinched their toes and didn’t allow their feet to breath properly (undoubtedly resulting in Athlete’s Foot), and instead had worn open toed sandals, which allow the true beauty of feet to shine through without restriction, then they would most likely never have invaded Poland. “It’s clear to me that they were motivated by the need to find better-fitting shoes,” he claimed. “Everyone knows that Poland, and Warsaw in particular, is world renowned for its cobblers.” According to the Lethal Weapon star, his views on this issue have been greatly influenced by his father, a notorious Holocaust-denier who has frequently claimed that Auschwitz, Belsen and Dachau were actually mass forced-labour shoe factories. Gibson himself has frequently extolled the merits of sandals, pointing out the cultural, architectural and political achievements of the sandal-wearing Greeks and Romans. “The Romans, in particular, established a stable empire which brought centuries of peace to the ancient world,” he once claimed, “and they crucified a lot of Jews.” He is currently receiving psychiatric counselling for his foot fetishism.
Meanwhile, back in Britain, a mass brawl at Blackpool’s Dr Who exhibition is being blamed on friction between rival fans of the popular BBC science fiction series. “Apparently there’s a massive schism between the so-called ‘Mods’ and ‘Trads’,” says Lancashire Constabulary’s Inspector Jim Flounder. “Whilst the ‘Mods’ favour the new series, and dress in black leather jackets, sport cropped hair and Mancunian accents, the ‘Trads’ proclaim the superiority of ‘classic’ Dr Who, and tend to dress in frock coats, frilly shirts and check trousers, and sport amazing curly wigs and exaggerated mannerisms.” It is believed that the brawl – which involved over a hundred fans dressed in appropriate costumes – was sparked by a poll of visitors to the exhibition which had proclaimed Ninth Doctor Christopher Ecclestone as the ‘Best Doctor Ever’. “It was obviously rigged – everybody knows that the 1970s marked the pinnacle of Dr Who’s artistic development and that the title of ‘Best Doctor Ever’ is always a dead heat between Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker,” ‘Trad’ Tristram Rundleshore, who favours Pertwee, told us from his police cell as he awaited an appearance before Blackpool Magistrates Court on charges of affray and criminal damage. White curly wig askew and velvet smoking jacket spattered with blood, Rundleshore remains unrepentant over his conduct, maintaining that he was simply upholding the honour of a British institution. “There is no way that some northern twat who doesn’t even wear a flamboyant costume, let alone drive a vintage car and resolve every crisis by resorting to overwhelming military might, could possibly win the title!” The fight, which started at Blackpool Tower and subsequently spilled over onto the beach, caused panic amongst holiday makers. “I didn’t understand what was going on at first – it looked like a ruck between a bunch of Victorian homosexuals and a convention of sociology lecturers,” says Amanda Crutchwell, who was on the beach with her two children. “Then my seven year old son – who is a big fan of the new series – started screaming when he saw what appeared to be his idol Christopher Eccleston kicked in the cobblers by a dwarf dressed in check trousers! I think he was meant to be Patrick Troughton!” According to eyewitnesses, the fight was vicious, with weapons including sonic screwdrivers and jelly babies being deployed by the participants. Police fear that further splits in the factions could result in more trouble. “Many ‘Mods’ are now beginning to favour Tenth Doctor David Tennant, declaring him both superior to, and sexier than, Ecclestone” reports Inspector Flounder. “There are also moves afoot amongst the ‘Trads’ to expel supporters of Eighth Doctor Paul McGann, on the grounds that his costume wasn’t sufficiently bizarre and that his single adventure was non-canonical!”
In celebrity news from the continent, it is reported that eighteen people were injured by a rampaging Charlie Sheen during a Madrid festival for low-budget straight-to-DVD or cable films. Whilst most of the injured were journalists who had deliberately put themselves in the enraged actor’s path when he ran amok during a press conference at his hotel, two were hotel employees – one who attempted to present Mr Sheen with a bar bill, and another who asked him to lower his voice on behalf of other guests. “It really took some provocation to get one to charge us this year. We tried everything – showing him pictures of his estranged wife naked, telling him there was no 9-11 conspiracy, that the twin towers really were destroyed by hijacked airliners – but he just refused to take the bait! In the end we had to resort to poking him with electric cattle-prods,” says journalist Len Pewlett, who has been participating in the annual Spanish ‘star runs’ for several years. “Stars just aren’t as touchy as they used to be – I remember the time someone told Russell Crowe his socks clashed with his trousers at the Catalan Film Festival. He went completely apeshit, wrecked the hotel lobby, threw a sofa at the Festival judges and climbed up a church tower from where he hurled abuse and beer cans at passers-by for four hours! They had to get keepers from the local zoo to shoot him with tranquilisers in the end!” Despite the relative disappointment of Madrid, Pewlett has high hopes for a forthcoming festival in Bilbao. “We’re planning to confront Sean Penn with ‘evidence’ of his secret membership of the Republican party,” he chuckles. “If that fails, we’ll just throw a bucket of water over him.”
If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!