A man arrested after apparently running amok in a busy street has claimed that he was actually fighting the ghost of notorious World War Two Nazi leader Adolf Hitler. “The bastard had jumped out at me from the alleyway beside Ladbrokes, shouting ‘Achtung, achtung Englander schwien hund!’, before trying to take me out with a left hook,” claimed forty eight year old Reg Putney during an appearance at Edgeware Magistrates Court, where he was charged with affray, assault and criminal damage. “Luckily, I was able to duck that swing and aimed my own upper cut at the fascist git – but being a ghost, my fist went right through him!” According Putney, the fight continued to rage the length of Edgeware High Street as he attempted to beat off the phantom Nazi dictator. “Unfortunately, several innocent bystanders ended up being caught up in it all,” Putney admitted. “A couple were punched when my fist kept going through him and I accidentally felled an old biddy when I tried to drop kick him – both my feet flew right trough his ectoplasm and hit her right in the face as she came out of the newsagent. It was after that I tried throwing a dustbin at Hitler, but it went through the window of kebab shop he was standing in front of, instead.” Putney, was subsequently bailed to appear before the court again in six weeks time.
Witnesses to the incident have contested Putney’s account, claiming that no Nazi leaders, ghostly or otherwise, were present during his violent rampage. “Personally, I thought that he was drunk, or on drugs,” Edna Twelvetrees told the Edgeware Examiner and Auto Exchange. “He was flailing his arms and legs about like a maniac, shouting gibberish and abuse – it was as if he had been possessed by the spirit of Jack Douglas on crack.” Malcolm Feltham, who also witnessed the incident, was convinced that Putney was drunk. “It wouldn’t be the first time – I’ve regularly seen him staggering out of local boozers, piss stains in his trousers, shouting abuse and threatening passers by,” he told the local newspaper. “Once, he doubled over suddenly and puked his guts out all over the pavement – he then claimed that he’d been punched in the stomach by the ghost of Stalin! I mean, really? Why would the ghosts of dead totalitarian dictators keep assaulting him in a London street?” In his defence, Putney has claimed that Hitler’s ambushing of him was payback for his recent affair with the ghost of Eva Braun, the Nazi’s late wife. “I don’t know why he was so mad – they hadn’t been together since 1961, when she fell for a neo Nazi medium who had summoned her during a séance in Buenos Ares,” he explained in an interview with the West London Paranormal Gazette. “Maybe he was so angry because one of my great aunts was once married to a Jewish guy. Apparently he hasn’t been this enraged at Eva’s dalliances since she had a fling with the spirit of Karl Marx.”
Putney claims to have met Eva Braun’s ghost through an Ealing supernatural dating agency, which guarantees to match the living up with their perfect dead partners. “It could be someone famous, or somebody from the local boneyard,” he says. “Either way, you always run the risk that they’ve got a partner, living or dead.” Despite knowing the risks, Putney fell madly in love with Eva, engaging in a passionate, not to say physical, relationship. “She liked us to do it in the open air – perhaps because of the claustrophobia all those months in the bunker with Adolf had left her with,” Putney recalls. “I remember that we once did it in the park – we were so noisy that the police were called and we had to scarper!” Police have denied being called to such an incident, although they recalled having been called to deal with a drunk seen masturbating on a park bench. Despite describing Braun as the ‘love of his life’, Putney admits that he did find her habit of shouting ‘Sieg Heil’ as she climaxed somewhat disconcerting. “It always left me with the suspicion that she might still have feelings for Adolf,” he muses. “Which also raised my suspicions that he might still harbour feelings for her, even from beyond the grave.”
Putney’s worst fears were confirmed when the phantom Fuhrer appeared at the foot of his bed one night after an evening of passion with Eva Braun. “He just stood there, in full Nazi regalia, shaking his fist at me and snarling,” says Putney. “It was bloody terrifying – I was so scared that I shat the bed!” Sheila Dartford, manageress at the local laundrette, confirmed that Putney had brought in a load of heavily soiled sheets the morning after the night in question, but added that this wasn’t an unusual occurrence. Putney claims that Hitler subsequently stepped up his campaign of terror, frequently assaulting him at unexpected moments. “Being a ghost, he had the advantage that he could punch me through solid walls, catching me completely unaware,” he claims. “Obviously, when I reflexively tried to retaliate, I ended up punching walls and doors.” According to Putney, he even tried exorcising the vengeful spirit by thrusting a crucifix at it. “It had no bloody effect, of course,” he says. “I was foolish to think someone as evil as Hitler could be cowed by the cross!” Eventually, he took temporary shelter in a local synagogue. “I ended up spending the night sleeping in the doorway – the bastard still tried approaching me, but couldn’t get closer than ten feet,” he explains. “So I came up with the idea of hurling a Star of David at him – as it hit his ectoplasm he screamed, turned into a ball of flame and vanished – I haven’t seen him since!”
Investigations by the West London Paranormal Gazette have revealed that Putney is something of a serial offender when it comes to having affairs with the ghosts of dictator’s and extremist’s wives, having previously enjoyed relationships with Mrs Stalin, both Mussolini’s wife and mistress, not to mention a steamy tryst with the wife of Leon Trotsky, all of which resulted in supernatural retaliations. “I don’t know why I do it – perhaps it is the proximity to power I feel when I shag their wives,” he opines. “Perhaps it is the risk of knowing that the ghosts of some of the world’s craziest and most evil men might come after me – and they do. Every bloody time. I think Trotsky was the worst. He appeared with an icepick in his head, which he proceeded to pull out and chase me with around the toilets of my local pub. He missed me and stabbed two blokes at the urinals.” Putney served six months for serous assault following this incident. “I have tried dating the ghosts of wives of non-violent powerful people to try and avoid these problems,” he says. “But it still didn’t end well. When I was seeing Mahatma Gandhi’s missus, for instance, he appeared, loin cloth and all, when I was trying to place a bet at Ladbrokes – the bastard let rip this huge fart that cleared the whole bookies. It was really foul, nobody could go in there for hours – I put it down to all those lentils he used to eat. Of course, nobody else saw him and I got the blame. I was banned from there for six months.”