Top British chef Gordon Ramsey was yesterday seriously injured when a diner exploded in his exclusive London restaurant. “Gordon had just gone out front to remonstrate with this particular customer – in his usual jocular way – when it happened,” explains Andy Trubbler, the restaurant’s head waiter, who witnessed the event. “He was just calling him a greedy fat bastard, who was ‘simply eating for the sake of gluttony’ and not having the decency to ‘properly savour the finest bloody food you’ll get anywhere in Britain, fatso’, when the guy just exploded! There was an almighty bang and blood and guts flew everywhere! I swear that if the table hadn’t been between them, Gordon would have caught the full force of his intestines and been suffocated!” Trubbler himself escaped injury by diving behind the sweet trolley for cover. Other diners and staff weren’t so lucky, with several suffering shrapnel wounds from flying fragments of bone. According to witnesses, the exploding customer entered the restaurant about an hour before the incident, and proceeded to order everything on the menu. “He just kept shovelling it down his throat – second, third, even fourth helpings of everything,” says Dan Froudley, who was sat two tables away with his wife. “You could see him getting visibly fatter, his shirt buttons straining against his obscenely engorged belly! The sweat was rolling off of him – if he hadn’t exploded I’m convinced he would have died from a heart attack!”

Whilst Froudley miraculously escaped injury, his wife Verity remains in a coma, after being struck on the head by a stray rib. Police believe the incident is simply the latest in a series of attacks against restaurants and food outlets by so-called ‘suicide eaters’ – fanatical gross wobble-bottoms intent on protesting at the way in which the overweight are increasingly stigmatised by modern society. “This is the fourth attack in a month, it’s only a matter of time before someone is killed by one of these maniacs,” opines Detective Chief Inspector Ron Grommet of the Metropolitan Police. “Luckily, the previous attacks had all been at fast food outlets, so only the public were at risk. However, this latest attack on a celebrity chef’s premises is a worrying development – there is a very real risk that someone important, or at least semi-famous, could be maimed or injured!”

Whilst a McDonald’s in Ruislip was devastated by a woman who gorged herself on quarter pounders and large fries, and a hot dog stand in Walthamstow wrecked by a fat kid who had one portion of onions too many, disaster was averted when a suicide eater ‘misfired’ whilst attempting to destroy a Burger King in Tulse Hill. “After his ninth order of whoppers, eyewitnesses say the fat git looked as if he was bracing himself to explode – this pained expression crossed his face,” explains Grommet. “But instead of blowing up, he blew off – a huge and evil smelling fart issuing from between his flabby cheeks!” The obviously surprised blubber terrorist attempted to escape, dashing out of the restaurant, but was quickly apprehended by police when he ran out of breath at the kerb. “To be fair, he was also hampered by the fact that he had shit himself,” says Grommet, who believes that, despite the fact that several customers nearly choked to death on the noxious fumes, the gas attack was not intentional. “There’s no doubt that his sphincter was simply not strong enough to hold in the gases and thereby cause an explosion.” The capture of the terrorist has proven invaluable to the security forces, who have ‘sweated’ him for information at an exclusive Sussex health farm. “After a couple of sessions with a personal trainer and a strict diet of lettuce leaves, he was ready to tell us everything,” says Grommet, who dismisses claims by civil liberties groups that such interrogation techniques constitute torture. “Based on his information, we’ve been able to round up hundreds of militant fatties – our prisons are now literally bursting at the seams with the bastards.”

Nonetheless, the authorities believe that the militants’ leaders, along with many potential suicide eaters, remain at large and are planning to strike at more London restaurants. “We believe that Jamie Oliver could be a top target, after his high profile campaign for healthier school dinners,” confides the Scotland Yard detective. “They believe that his indoctrination of young children with anti-fat sentiments constitutes a war crime!” Consequently, security is being stepped up at eateries across the capital, with customers being weighed at the doors and strict restrictions being placed upon the size of portions. “I’m afraid the grossly obese and those with unacceptably high body fat indexes will be barred until they slim down,” declares Grommet. “Fat people seen near restaurants will now also run the risk of being stopped at random and searched for fatty foods and sugary soft drinks. I know some people might say this is discriminatory, but I’d rather a few fat gits be upset than risk people’s lives!”

A video received by The Sleaze, purporting to be from the fat militants’ leadership and featuring a hugely obese person wearing a ski mask (which they lift enough only to munch on a chocolate bar), seems to confirm that they remain a very real threat. “We’re sick and tired of being treated as figures of fun – everybody viewing us with equal measures of disgust and pity,” rants the figure, pausing only for a few more mouthfuls of chocolate. “All this fattist propaganda the government and its stooges are putting out are making it seem like it is a crime to be overweight! We’re sick of it! We enjoy being gluttons! We love being fat! We’re sick of those tiny noveau cuisine servings in restaurants! We’re tired of this healthy eating shit on supermarket shelves! Even the fast food chains are selling out with veggie burgers and salads! We’ve had enough! We’re going to keep blowing ourselves up until we get what we want – greasy food, lots of cholesterol and chips with everything!”

The suicide eaters have garnered some high profile support, most notably from chubby documentary maker Michael Moore, who blames rival film maker Morgan Spurlock’s documentary Super Size Me for the current low esteem in which fat people are held. “That hump! Who the hell does he think he is – releasing something as irresponsible as that? So eating fast food for a month turns you into a fat bastard? Well, no shit Sherlock!” declares the heavyweight documentarist. “He should try making a documentary which tells us something we didn’t know – like lack of gun control increases the murder rate, or that the oil-rich Bush family have links to the oil-rich Saudi royal family and invaded oil-rich Iraq for oil! Doesn’t he realise how many lives he’s ruined? What he doesn’t mention is that it is all part of natural selection – eating fast food weeds out the weaklings. Those who can’t take it get sick and die – the rest of us become healthy fat people! Now he’s got people thinking that they’ll die if they don’t change they’re eating habits! Instead, the poor bastards are killing themselves with crash diets now!”