“One minute I was engaged in some mild throttling while I was reaching the vinegar stroke, the next thing, she’d somehow turned the tables and had her horrible plastic hands around my throat,” claims twenty six year old Derren Boxtler, describing to the Daily Norks how his blow-up sex doll apparently came to murderous life in the middle of a solo sex session. “It was bloody terrifying – you’d be surprised just how hard one of those things can grip – you’d think that those inflatable fingers wouldn’t be able to get any grip!” Boxtler’s struggle with the sex doll – ‘Luscious Lucy’ – quickly became a desperate fight for survival. “We rolled around on the bed fopr a while, with me gasping for breath, before crashing to the bedroom floor,” the Fulham data entry clerk explained. “While I tried to break her grip with one hand, I was desperately feeling around for something sharp to puncture her with!” With the life or death tussle blundering into the bathroom, Boxtler finally managed to grasp a pair of nail scissors, thrusting them into the doll’s left buttock. “She made this terrible farting noise, then began to deflate, her grip finally loosening,” he recalls. “Pushing her off of myself as she went limp, I staggered into the hallway but, incredibly, she made one last effort to kill me, leaping onto my back!”
Boxtler managed to reach his front door and ran, naked, into the street, arms flailing wildly as he tried to free himself from the deadly doll’s grip. “I ended up getting arrested by a passing police patrol for indecent exposure and breaking lockdown rules,” he says. “Obviously, they didn’t believe a word I said and I was lucky not to be sectioned! As it is, I’m likely to end up on the sex offender’s register!” For his part, Boxtler has no explanation as to how or why his sex doll came to murderous life. “Perhaps it was possessed by some evil spirit,” he muses. “Or maybe it was part of some plot on the part of evil scientists to produce homicidal automatons as sex dolls. I just don’t know! All I do know is that from now on I’ll be relying on more traditional methods for pleasuring myself – at least I can trust my own hand, can’t I?” While the manufacturers of the doll claim not to have had any other complaints of their dolls coming to life and going berserk, the Daily Norks has published the testimonies of several other men who have had experiences similar to that endured by Boxtler. “I was just going in to kiss her, when she lunged forward and clamped her rubbery lips over my mouth and started sucking the breath out of me,” says thirty three year old Maidenhead IT advisor Johnny Crater who suffered an attack from his ‘Horny Henrietta’ doll. “It was like having a vacuum cleaner stuck on my mouth! Luckily, I had a lit cigarette in one hand and shoved it between her legs – there was this almighty bang and she blew into bits!”
Another individual reportedly found his ‘Insatiable Isabelle’ doll wrapping its legs around his neck and attempting to choke him to death with her thighs. Luckily, having just ordered a takeaway, the victim had a sharpened kebab stick to hand, with which he was able to puncture the doll. Police investigating the incidents maintain that there is no evidence of any supernatural activity, throwing doubt on the victims’ claims of their sex dolls coming to life, instead suggesting that hallucinogenic substances played a role while pointing out that all of the know victims also owned a DVD copy of Sex Dolls of Death, a late 1970s horror film. “There is no doubt that these alleged attacks do bear some resemblance to the plot of this low-budget film, I’m not sure that, even when combined with drugs, watching it could induce such hallucinations,” opines Lionel Bumstadler, editor of Furtive Films magazine and a noted expert on low budget, low rent seventies exploitation films. “That said, it was claimed at the time that the film was supposedly inspired by real events in, I think, San Francisco. There were certainly some urban legends of exploding sex dolls – allegedly secret military weapons which had somehow ended up in sex toy warehouses to be sold to the public.” Bumstadler also told The Sleaze that the killer sex dolls proved to be very ineffective movie monsters, further lessening the likelihood that they could inspire hallucinations. “Look, blow up sex dolls might be ugly, but they just aren’t frightening,” he points out. “They are far too vulnerable to destruction to be truly menacing – it just takes a sharp object, or even pulling out their stopper, to render them limp and lifeless.”
A feminist witches’ coven has, meanwhile, come forward to claim responsibility for the attacks. “We’ve been bewitching these sex dolls to highlight the sort of violence that women have to suffer from men,” a spokesperson for the coven told the Daily Norks, in a message delivered to the tabloid’s editorial offices by a crow. “These dolls are used as a surrogate by these bastards for the sort of sexual violence they’d really like to inflicting upon real women. We’re just turning the tables to give them a taste of their own medicine!” Leading sexologist Herman Trunkton of the Middlesex Institute of Baking has called into question the coven’s approach. “While nobody would deny that male violence against women is a serious problem, I’m not sure that targeting the users of sex dolls is an effective strategy,” he says. “I mean, surely these are the least likely men to be abusing women – the reason that they are shagging blow up dolls is that they are too scared to go near a real woman, let alone assault one.”
Trunkton also calls into question whether the witches really are behind the phenomena, casting doubt upon the efficacy of their magical powers. “It’s all bollocks, isn’t it?” he says, pointing instead to the effects of the pandemic lockdowns as the key to the ‘killer sex doll’ reports. “It is clearly a form of mass hysteria, brought on by people being stuck at home, on their own, for too long. With real sexual contacts made near impossible, the use of sex dolls has become ever more prevalent, giving them an exaggerated significance in some peoples’ lives – it is only natural that they should start to resent them, even fear them, as symbols of their sexual deprivation.” The coven has responded by claiming that it intends going further in its war against male violence, threatening to start making wax effigies of suspected sex offenders and sticking needles into their genitals in order to perform a kind of ‘astral castration’.
