As yet another failed Tory ex-Prime Minister attempts to resurrect their career, a top political commentator has claimed that the current crop of apparently insane and repulsive right-wing Tory MPs is the result of a strange meteorite that fell in Surrey in 1921. “I mean, you surely don’t think that the likes of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson are the result of normal genetics do you?” asks Fred Dimwolt, in an article in today’s Daily Norks. “They and their ancestors had their minds warped by the radiations emanating from a strange blue meteorite that came down in a farmer’s field outside Goldalming! Much in the manner of H P Lovecraft’s ‘The Colour Out of Space’!” According to Dimwolt, the meteor itself is well documented, having ploughed a huge furrow in the field, burying itself in the earth. “When the farmer began to dig it up, he saw that it was a strange glowing blue colour.” Dimwolt claims. “The excavated meteor was eventually donated by the farmer to the local Conservative Association, where It was displayed in the games room, where Tories came from miles around to see its pulsating blue light.” Local records show that strange phenomena accompanied the meteor’s fall to earth, with grotesque mutations occurring in the farmer’s livestock and crops. Mutations amongst the offspring of the local Conservative Association followed. “Obviously, most of them – the ones with two heads and tentacles instead of legs – quickly died, but some survived,” reveals Dimwolt. “As late as the 1955 General Election, though, it was rumoured that at least one Tory candidate had a tail and another one who actually got elected as an MP had a second face on hid lower torso, which frequently shouted racist and sexist abuse, resulting in an increased majority at the next election and being expelled from the Commons several times.”

The progeny of the Tories affected by the meteor, though, have gradually become externally indistinguishable from normal human beings. “We’ve reached the stage where the mutations are no longer physical, but instead psychological, the strange radiations of the meteorite having twisted the minds of generations of Tory children, imprinting cruelty, madness and a complete lack of empathy into them. How else do we explain this apparently endless parade of fanatically right-wing Tories out there?” ponders Dimwolt. “A genetic mutation can surely be the only explanation for the fanaticism of the supporters of Liz Truss – the shortest lived British Prime Minister in history – who are still trying to revive her political corpse. Otherwise, surely they must have grasped by now that reviving the corpse of Liz Truss is futile? In both political terms and public opinion she is a busted flush – she played her hand and got called out.” He also points to the supporters of another former Tory Prime Minister, who similarly seem Hell-bent on resurrecting his career despite his unpopularity. “Again, they are utterly fanatical, seeming to regard him as the once-and-future-king, despite the fact that he left office in disgrace, the architect of his own downfall, and has spent his time since further alienating the electorate with his money-grubbing and self-aggrandising antics,” notes Dimwolt. “But even if their supporters can’t resurrect the careers of either of these two, there still seems to be an endless supply of horrendous right-wing reactionary Tory MPs – and their fanatical supporters -out there ready to take their places if the opportunity arises.”

Dimwolt is convinced that all of these right-wingers can trace their antecedents back to the Surrey meteorite. “I’d bet that everyone of them has an ancestor who was either a member of that Conservative Association, lived nearby or simply went to gawp at the meteor,” he opines. “Exposure to the blue radiations has seeped into their genes, driving them toward extreme right wing politics and economics – you can see how their ilk have gradually overrun the Tory party in the decades following the meteor’s fall.” These mutants are characterised, Dimwolt claims, by their lack of empathy, an excess of cruelty and an inability to discern the difference between reality and their lunatic fantasies. “The madness is clear to see in the current generation – just look at that swivel-eyed loon Truss,” he says. “Then there are all those bloody Brexiteers – crazed fantasists, the lot of them. They truly are ‘loons out of space’!”

But Dimwolt has been challenged on his claims by notorious right-wing Tory back bench MP Mark Porker, who has pointed out that there is no meteorite on display at the local Conservative Association where it supposedly fell. “It’s just another cock-and-bull story concocted by these bloody woke lefties to try and smear the Tory party,” he declares. “They just can’t accept the fact that we keep winning elections with our so called ‘nasty policies’ – they just can’t accept that the lower orders enjoy being oppressed. They love a bit of cruelty from their betters, it makes them feel secure: only the strong are cruel!” Not only is there no meteorite on display in Surrey but, Porker notes, there is no record of it ever being there. “Even if there had been, I can assure you that none of my ancestors have ever been anywhere Godalming, so how can he explain my political beliefs, eh? Clearly, Dimwolt is the only fantasist here,” he says. “Next thing, he’ll be claiming there’s a conspiracy to cover it all up!” Indeed, Dimwolt has claimed that there has been a concerted effort to suppress all records of the meteorite’s residence at the Conservative Association and to downplay its nature. “The fact is that somewhen in the fifties it was removed from the Association and stored in a lead-lined vault. Then, during the seventies, it was rediscovered by the crazed libertarians who were trying to gain a foothold in the Tory party, and removed to London,” he contends. “Attempting to explore the power of the blue radiation, they exposed certain MPs to it, with extraordinary results. How else do you explain the rise of Mrs Thatcher from failed Education Secretary to the most successful Tory Prime Minister since Churchill in only a few years?”

Dimwolt claims that the meteorite is now housed in the labyrinthine cellars beneath 55 Tufton Street, its evil radiations pulsing their way up through the floors into the various crazy right-wing think tanks housed there. “It would certainly explain the increasing influence these extremist free-marketeers and anti-human rights types now have upon the government,” he speculates. “There even rumours that it is attended by robed acolytes, all members of the lobby groups housed in the floors above, who regularly descend into the cellars and worship it as a deity. I’ve heard stories that they have chipped bits off, which are carried by their High Priests to marginal constituencies during elections, their radiations warping the minds of voters to vote for obviously crazy Tory candidates and their extremist policies. Which would explain why they keep getting re-elected.” Dimwolt does concede, however, that he might be wrong and that not all right wing tories can be explained by exposure to the meteorite’s blue radiation. “It is entirely possible that some of them, like Mr Porker, are simply natural born bastards,” he says.