Criminal Class

Civil liberties groups have welcomed the death in police custody of twenty-one year old Hugh Fartley-Frotting, hailing it as a major step forward in the police’s approach to dealing with suspects. “The entirely avoidable death in a police cell of a drunken toff represents a huge milestone,” declares top civil rights solicitor Roy Chopper, who is to represent the officers on duty in East Cheam police station’s custody suite at the time of the death. “For far too long the only victims of this kind of negligence on the part of the police have typically been young working class men from socially deprived backgrounds, often with mental health problems and frequently black. That said, whilst I applaud the victimisation of a wealthy and privileged young white man, I am slightly disappointed that his death does seem to have been an accident as the result of negligence, rather than police brutality. Only when one of these toffs dies as a result of a police beating will we know that true class equality has been achieved.”

Fartley-Frotting, the heir to the Frotting cat food fortune and a final year student at Oxford University, is thought to have choked on his own vomit, after being left unattended in a police cell for several hours following his arrest for being drunk and disorderly, assault and criminal damage. “Apparently, he and his friends from one of those Oxford University dining clubs got blind drunk and wrecked a local restaurant,” says Chopper. “This time the owner wouldn’t be bought off and called the police, who arrested the lot of them. Fartley-Frotting was allegedly so drunk he couldn’t stand up – there’s no way he should have been left alone in a cell and ordinarily he wouldn’t have been his parents; lawyer would have had him bailed in five minutes under threat of legal action for false arrest and police brutality. Thankfully, this time the police stood firm and treated him like ordinary scum!”

Fartley-Frotting’s demise is just the latest in a series of police actions against well-heeled, public school educated defendants which have left the UK’s wealthy claiming that they are being victimised. “There’s no doubt that the police are now deliberately targeting anyone they see who looks well-dressed, well groomed and speaking as if they have a plum in their mouth, stopping and searching them for no reason or arresting them on the flimsiest of pretexts,” says Tory backbencher Sir Hubert Twistlefrond. “It is the same out on the road – as soon as the police spot a six-series BMW, a Mercedes a Roller or a Rolls Royce, they immediately pull them over for all manner of ludicrous reasons: speeding, dangerous driving, obstructing the public highway. Only last week one of my constituents was pulled over simply because he cut in front of an ambulance answering an emergency call at a junction. Why should he be penalised just because those bloody paramedics couldn’t drive fast enough and were holding up traffic? Besides, they were probably answering a call on some horrendous council estate where some of the drug dealers who live there had stabbed each other. What’s the point of having privilege and money if it doesn’t leave you above all those petty and annoying rules designed to keep the lower orders in check?” In desperation, many posh people are reportedly resorting to ‘dressing down’, wearing cheap clothes bought from supermarkets, and speaking in street slang, in an attempt to avoid police harassment. “The trouble is that even when wrapped in ill-fitting polyester and spouting expletives, class will out,” sighs Twistlefrond. “It’s the cultured voice, the bearing and poise that only breeding and money can buy. It’s all too obvious to the police that these ‘dress down toffs’ aren’t the common or garden louts they let go scot free.”

It has been claimed that the catalyst for the police crackdown on the well-heeled was the notorious ‘Plebgate’ incident, when the then government Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell, was forced to resign after swearing at police officers on Downing Street, who had refused to allow him to take his bike through the pedestrian gate. “It was just so liberating,” an anonymous police officer told The Sleaze. “After years of tugging our forelocks to the Tory overlords, we were finally shown that we could stand up to them without the whole social order collapsing around our ears!” The fact that one of the witnesses to the incident is now alleged to have fabricated his statement has done nothing to dampen our source’s enthusiasm. “If anything, it makes it even better – we can fit these bastards up for anything we like,” he says. “All these years we’ve been wasting our time falsifying evidence to get convictions against students, civil rights protesters, strikers and low level criminals, when we could have been taking out some of the bastards who do the real damage to society!” The decades of subservience shown by the police to Britain’s wealthiest and most privileged was the result of intentional design, Roy Chopper believes. “It’s no coincidence that the modern British police were founded by a Tory, Sir Robert Peel,” asserts the solicitor. “For all the talk of them serving the community, the reality is that their main purpose was to uphold the existing social order and protect the wealthy from the poor underclasses. An idea which was reinforced by Chief Constables being retired senior army officers or local squires, well into the twentieth century. Even today, many top coppers have knighthoods – a sure sign that they’re at least honourary members of the establishment!”

Many young posh people feel that they are being targeted by the police as a result of unfair stereotyping. “The trouble is that they’ve seen those ‘Hooray Henrys’ on Made in Chelsea and think we’re all a bunch of oversexed, underemployed wastrels contributing absolutely nothing to society,” bemoans twenty two year old Young Conservative Quentin Fothering-Ballsend, who claims to have been stopped eighteen times in the last month whilst driving his father’s Bentley through Henley-on-Thames, usually on the pretext of having run red lights. “Along with the antics of the likes of the Bullingdon Club and the entire banking sector, its leading us to be characterised as a bunch of braying thugs with a complete disregard for the less privileged! That sort are only a minority, most of us perfectly decent chaps who give generously to charity and are always polite to the domestics!” Twistlefrond believes that the police crackdown will have serious repercussions. “Is it any wonder that we’re cutting their budgets and closing police stations?” the MP says. “Reducing the number of police officers on the street is the only way we can protect ourselves. Quite frankly, the sooner we get rid of them all together and put law enforcement out to tender to private security firms and charities the better! Believe me, they’ll be in no doubt who is paying their wages – privatised police are the only way to get a bit of deference to their betters back into law enforcement!”