Is Donald Trump senile? The former president’s mental fitness for public office has once again been called into question following claims of erratic behaviour on the campaign trail as he seeks the Republican nomination for the 2024 presidential election. “Apparently, he didn’t seem to know where he was,” says journalist Pete Firk, commenting on reports of Trump’s bizarre conduct at a rally in Indiana. “Witnesses claimed that he wandered onto the stage looking bewildered, before stepping to the edge of the stage, unzipping his flies and urinating over people in the front row. He then zipped himself up, turned his back on them and broke wind loudly before wandering off stage.” According to Firk’s sources, the crowd of fervent Trump supporters reacted by applauding and cheering wildly. “It’s incredible, this doddering old fool can literally piss on his supporters and their adulation isn’t dented,” says Firk, who believes that Trump was, in his demented state, re-enacting his alleged sexual exploits of several years ago with Russian prostitutes in a Moscow hotel room. “In fact, they seem to see it as some kind of honour, with those actually touched by his urine feeling that they’ve been blessed!” Firk’s suggestion that Trump’s supposed actions were a re-enactment of earlier sexploits has been challenged by top Trump cheer leader and self-styled ‘journalist’ Laura Looney. “That’s just bullshit,” she declared on social media. “The story was that he was the one getting pissed on, not the other way around!”

Looney’s latest You Tube video, however, takes the view that the former president’s alleged behaviour illustrates not possible dementia, but rather a demonstration of his love for his supporters. “Sadly, I wasn’t present at the rally myself, but if I had been and President Trump had urinated on me, then I would have felt blessed,” she claimed. “He’s our saviour and I have no doubt that the products of his blessed body are themselves divine – if I had been there, I’d have been in that front row with my mouth open, waiting for him to deposit his golden droplets of divinity in it!” Indeed, there have been rumours of illnesses having been cured by a soaking in Trump’s urine. “One guy was able to throwaway his crutches after he was touched by the president’s fluids,” Looney claimed in her video. “Personally speaking, I’d even have been happy to have inhaled his farts – it would be like taking a little piece of his spirit into your own body.” Firk believes that if Trump is allowed to keep campaigning in his current mental state the situation will only escalate. “I ask you – what next? Can we expect him to come on stage next time, drop his pants and take a huge dump on the stage?” he asks. “At which point, no doubt, his acolytes will storm the stage and worship the pile of stinking shit – possibly even grabbing handfuls which they’ll take home and treat as if they are the relics of some long dead saint, that can perform miracles.”

Other commentators fear that Trump’s alleged dementia could manifest itself in more sinister ways. “At the moment these alleged incidents seem to be confined to meetings with his supporters,” opines political analyst Hugh Gropser. “While he can get away with sort of thing when he’s facing uncritical members of his cult, sooner or later he’s going to have a lapse in a more public situation, where it can’t be covered up or dismissed as mere eccentricity.” Bearing in mind that the ex-president has recently been on the wrong end of a civil judgement that he sexually abused a woman, Gropser fears that Trump’s next lapse could be sexual in nature. “He could expose himself to some random woman or, even worse for him, a female political opponent or rival,” he muses. “Or maybe he’ll get his wanger out and start masturbating during one of his ongoing trials.” Another commentator has deemed such developments unlikely. “Jesus, Trump’s such a fat bastard that nobody would be able to see his John Thomas even if he was naked,” declares politics professor Jim Knacks, of the South Dakota Postal University. “I mean, he hasn’t seen his penis himself since 2004 – unless he uses a mirror on a stick, that is.” Knacks believes that Trump’s alleged dementia is more likely to manifest itself as mental confusion, expressed in the form of increasingly incoherent and rambling speeches, citing a recent campaign speech in which he supposedly claimed that the 2012 presidential election had been stolen from him – even though he hadn’t stood for election in 2012. “People who heard the speech say that he claimed there had been a conspiracy to erase his name from every ballot paper and voting machine,” explains the academic. “He also claimed that the Democrats then employed subliminal messaging inserted into network TV to convince voters that he hadn’t stood in the first place!”

Trump allies have been quick to scorn claims that he is showing signs of dementia, pointing out that all of the reports are nothing more than hearsay, with no corroboration from anyone actually present at the supposed incidents. They allege tat it is all part of a plot on the part of the liberal media to discredit Trump and deflect attention away from President Biden’s obvious mental issues, pointing out that the main purveyors of the rumours have all worked for Democrat supporting media outlets. Gropser has little time for such criticisms. “Look, they jump on any kind of lapse of memory or mispeaking on Biden’s part to try and claim that he’s senile, ignoring the fact that he’s always been like that,” he points out. “Yet they and their media lackeys remain silent on Trump’s obviously erratic behaviour: slurring his words, incoherent speeches and spouting increasingly bizarre conspiracy theories. So they really don’t have grounds for complaint if we do the same and publicise evert story and rumour about their guy’s mental state!”

Professor Knacks believes that the silence on Trump’s possible dementia is strategic. “Obviously, they need to play it all down while he’s campaigning,” says the academic. “Other wise it might damage his chances of re-election – surely no sane person would want a senile old man in the White House with his finger on the button, would they? Except that many of the billionaires and corporate interests who back Trump have a vested interest in having a mentally incapable president.” Knacks contends that these shady backers believe that a senile occupant of the Oval Office would be easier to control. “The poor old git wouldn’t have a clue what was going on – they could get away with murder and he wouldn’t know,” says Knacks. “He’d just be a drooling figurehead. It would be like the Reagan administration all over again!”