More details of BBC wildlife presenter Chris Packham’s attempts to disrupt wild bird hunters in Malta have emerged. Although Packham was recently cleared of assault allegations relating to his campaign to stop the annual slaughter of rare migratory birds on the Mediterranean island, one witness has claimed that the presenter’s actions were actually far more extreme. “I’m telling you, he was stark bollocking naked,” British tourist Stan Krepps, who claims to have witnessed one of Packham’s attempts to sabotage the Maltese bird hunters, told The Daily Excess. “He was like a wild man, running screaming through the trees where they’d set up their nets, his todger swinging wildly as he puled the nets down!” Krepps told the newspaper that he was surprised by the speed with which Packham had disrobed before launching his naked assault. “If you ask me, he’d done that sort of thing before – he certainly seemed at ease with no strides on,” claimed Krepps, who went on to describe how the naturist naturalist went on to confront a group of hunters. “The poor bastards were clearly intimidated by him. I mean, who wouldn’t feel intimidated to have some angry bloke with his tackle out standing in close proximity?” Whilst the sixty eight year old Streatham pensioner confirmed that Packham hadn’t physically assaulted anyone, he did note that, as the bird fancier turned around sharply, Packham’s flailing member had narrowly missed hitting one of the police officers who had arrived on the scene. “I mean, it could easily have knocked that copper clean off of his feet,” said Krepps. “I’m sure that would have counted as assault – but no contact was actually made. The copper was just startled by it.”
Daily Excess Rural Affairs Editor Giles Twick isn’t surprised by Krepps’ account of Packham’s nude antics. “He got form for it,” he asserts. “Obviously, I have absolutely no proof to support this, but he’s always given me the impression that he’d like nothing better than to strip naked and commune with nature. Like I said, I have no proof of this, but he just seems the sort. You know what they’re like, these tree hugging, conservation green lot – any excuse to get their kit off. Besides, the word ‘naturalist’ is very close to ‘naturist’, isn’t it?” The newspaper’s TV critic, Peregrine Wogglethorpe is even more forthright on the subject of Packham’s predilection for nudity. “For God’s sake, I think that we all remember how he eagerly kicked his clothes off during that Spring Watch dogging special – supposedly so as to blend in and not frighten off the outdoor sex enthusiasts they were surreptitiously filming,” he snorts. “Then there was that business of the annual Countryfile nude calender – according to my sources, that sick bastard Packham volunteered to pose starkers for no less than five of the months!” Although Packham has so far not responded to these allegations, the BBC has pointed out that there has never been a ‘dogging special’ edition of Spring Watch and that the annual Countryfile calender most certainly does not involve nude photographs of the presenters.
“I know what I bloody saw – or rather what other grossly offended viewers have told me that they saw, you know my religious beliefs prevent me from watching all that filth on TV,” retorts Wogglethorpe, who claims that all his TV reviews are based upon information provided by viewers, rather than actually watching the programmes. “The BBC might claim their Countryfile calender competition they run is for viewers to submit photographs for the calender, rather than for them to suggest possible poses and locations for the presenters, but I know better! It actually features the presenters nude in some agricultural or wildlife context, with viewers suggesting the scenarios via the annual competition!” Not only is Wogglethorpe adamant as to the existence of the calender, but he believes that a sinister purpose lies behind it. “It’s clear to me that it is all part of an agenda on the part of those pinkoes at the BBC, in league with the bloody green brigade, to promote naturism,” he says. “That’s their ultimate aim, to get us all walking around in the buff, worshipping trees and turning vegan, all in the name of the bloody environment!”
His colleague Giles Twick sympathises with Wogglethorpe’s theory. “I know there’s nothing new in these nude calenders – I remember when they were all the rage, with the likes of middle-aged Women’s Institute members, Rugby clubs and vicars used to pose starkers for them, I say ‘starkers’, but you never actually saw anything – it was all artfully posed with carefully placed objects to cover up the naughty bits – but at least they used to have the excuse that they were for charity,” he muses. “But this alleged BBC naked presenter calender has no such excuse – what else can it be for, other than to advance the agenda of naturism? Besides those old-style calenders featured people who simply wouldn’t sexually arouse anyone seeing them near naked. This rumoured BBC calender is quite different: all those nature programme presenters it features are quite fit – all that outdoor life stuff – which means that any nude pictures of them will undoubtedly be pornographic in nature!”
Wogglethorpe claims to have had the phantom calendar described to him by a reader who has allegedly obtained a copy. “It really is quite disgusting – the picture for March, for instance, features a naked Packham, full frontal to the camera, holding an alarmed looking owl in front of his groin!” he says. “Surely that must constitute some kind of animal cruelty? He turns up again in October, this time sitting naked in front of a roaring fire in a country kitchen, legs crossed and caressing a ferret to cover up anything untoward! At least in September, which he also does, he doesn’t use any animals to cover his modesty – this time he’s in an orchard with an apple press between his legs!” Other Countryfile presenters supposedly posing in the raw for the calender include Matt Baker and Julia Bradbury. “Matt Baker poses naked with a shepherd’s crook fo rApril, supervising the lambing, a strategically placed sheep dog covering his vitals, while, for August, Julia Bradbury is nude on a combine harvester,” Wogglethorpe alleges. “Oh, and let’s not forget dear old John Craven. Naturally, they deploy him in January – a reassuring older figure who won’t startle anyone and will help ease people into the nude theme. He’s depicted driving a tractor naked, a three-quarters rear view, with him looking over his shoulder and just a peek of bum cleavage peeking up above the seat. Pure filth, I think you’ll agree.” Again, the BBC have denied the existence of any such calendar, pointing out that Julia Bradbury hasn’t presented Countryfile for some time. The Green Party, meanwhile, has claimed that the Daily Excess is clearly engaged in a campaign to try and discredit environmental issues, by linking them and some of their most visible proponents to pornography, using non-existent evidence.