All over the world prominent politicians are preparing to lead marches on the luxury homes of celebrities in protest at their continued hijacking of worthy causes and issues. “It’s time we made a stand against these monstrous egos who believe that they can resolve any international crisis on the basis that they once had a top ten hit,” said British Premier Tony Blair, as he began the march from Westminster to ‘Sir’ Bob Geldof’s luxury mansion on the English south coast. “They are milking every humanitarian disaster dry in their quest to justify their meaningless existences!” Top politicians are tired of continually being harassed and ambushed at every opportunity by actors, TV presenters and pop stars trying to push their pet causes. “It’s getting ridiculous, they just won’t leave us alone,” laments Blair. “Only last week Cherie, the children and I were forced to draw the curtains, switch off the lights and hide behind the sofa at Number Ten, to try and avoid that bloody pest Bono! Even then he banged on the door and shouted through the letterbox for over ten minutes before he was finally convinced that we were out, and he pissed off!” Other world leaders have had similar celebrity experiences, with French President Jacques Chirac admitting that he recently donned a dress and grey wig and posed as his own Grandmother in an attempt to avoid Bob Geldof. “Even pretending that the battery in my hearing aid was flat wouldn’t stop him from droning on about how he was going to save the world,” comments Chirac. “Eventually I had to fake a heart attack – even then he kept trying to get me to buy a copy of that shitty ‘Band Aid’ single right up to the point the paramedics loaded me into the ambulance!” In Moscow, President Putin is rumoured to have stationed former KGB snipers on rooftops all around the Kremlin, with orders to shoot on sight any celebrities seen approaching the Presidential offices. It isn’t just politicians who have had enough of celebrity fundraisers. “They’re a bloody menace,” says Stockton knee-wrencher’s mate Rod Tosh. “It’s getting so that you can’t stub your toe without some fading pop star trying to turn it into a campaign about accident prevention! Only last week, for instance, my eighty-two year old Granny slipped over on some dog crap by the bus-stop and broke her hip – before we knew it, Chesney Hawkes was trying to organise a benefit concert in her back garden for his campaign to provide ‘pooper-scoopers’ free of charge to the Third World (‘If dog crap can do that much damage, just imagine what an elephant turd would do’)! He’d already booked Brian Harvey and some bloke from ‘Steps’ before we kicked him out!” Indeed, the public are currently living in terror of bands of roving conscience-stricken celebrities in search of new causes. “You can’t turn on the telly, let alone set foot outside, without some celeb or other demanding money from you,” says retired stench packer John Tinkle, who is joining the Prime Minister on his march. “I wouldn’t mind, but they earn millions, I’m only on a bloody pension! How come I’m the one who is meant to feel guilty about world poverty and fork out to try and solve it? They’re the buggers who have been exploiting the young and low paid with their crappy records for years!”
Tinkle’s sentiments are echoed by another marcher, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown. “I find it somewhat ironic that these celebrities should set themselves up as the standard bearers of the fight against global poverty,” muses the financial maestro. “After all, they themselves are the most potent symbols of international capitalism that I can think of – employees of voracious multinational corporations that mercilessly exploit the world’s resources and workers in the name of delivering profits to their wealthy shareholders. By engaging in this charity activity, they are guaranteeing themselves more publicity, higher record sales and greater profits for the very entities which are ensuring that global poverty exists!” Brown’s radical proposals for a new ‘Celebrity Tax’, designed to redistribute the obscene profits made by pop acts from sales of their inane records, will be the highlight of the free concert which will form the culmination of the UK march. Similar events will provide the climax of other anti-celebrity marches worldwide, with politicians and members of the public alike uniting to create an unbearable cacophony through massacring popular tunes. “We won’t stop until they promise to stop hijacking worthwhile causes,” says Blair. “We will be demanding cast iron guarantees that they will all just bugger off and leave us alone! If they don’t do it voluntarily, then we will have no option but to take out Anti-Social Behaviour Orders against them to stop them from engaging in any form of charity activity!” Aid workers have also spoken up in support of the marches, decrying the way in which celebrities flock to the scene of any new disaster. “It gets so that you can’t bloody move for the bastards and their film crews – vital humanitarian aid has to be thrown off of flights to make room for them,” asserts Andy Lather, who has spent more than five years working for famine relief charities in Africa. “They have got to be made to understand that the world’s problems can’t be solved with free concerts and shitty charity singles – it is all just a little bit more complicated than that!”
Celebrities have hit back, arguing that they play a vital role in heightening the public’s awareness of major issues. “Just because people have read about famine and global poverty, or seen the TV reports, doesn’t mean that they actually understand it! They’re too stupid to do that until someone as important and compassionate as me explains it to them. Everyone knows a disaster isn’t actually a disaster until it has been blessed with celebrity attention,” explains Bob Geldof. “Look, most people in Britain didn’t even know Africa existed until I organised the first Live Aid! It’s the same with global poverty – before I started haranguing everyone about, if you’d asked any kid in this country, they’d have told you that people in the Third World were living a life of luxury on account of the money they were making from those designer clothes and stuff they manufacture! I know that’s what I thought!” It isn’t just global issues which celebrity endorsement can highlight. “It is the same for health issues – until a high-profile celebrity has suffered from something, it just isn’t taken seriously,” says self-righteous U2 frontman Bono. “Just look at breast cancer – until Kylie got it, nobody had ever taken it seriously as a health issue for women! I mean, you just didn’t get cases reported on the TV news, did you? It was the same for depression, until Robbie Williams came out of the closet as a sufferer, the medical profession refused point blank to acknowledge that it even existed!” However, the last word in the debate must surely belong to Ken Norgs, whose village in Mozambique has suffered the ravages of disease, poverty famine and celebrity visitations over the past decade: “What I would like to say to Mr Geldof and his celebrity friends is; please stop coming here and patronisingly telling us what is wrong with our country- we already bloody know, we’re poor! We don’t want you to make unspeakable records on our behalf, either! No, instead, if you filthy rich bastards want to help, why don’t you just give us your fucking money?”
