Has the US deployed a team of top secret super powered porn stars against terrorists and rogue states? Amid stories from North Korea that Kim Jong-un had recently been ‘molested’ by an invisible assailant and rumours from Iraq that several senior ISIS leaders had dies after being gripped by what witnesses describe as a ‘sexual frenzy’, a former US defence contractor is claiming that the so-called ‘Sex Men’ are leading the war on terror. “These incidents are clearly the work of the ‘Sex Men’,” Dr Hal Brobbins – who claims to have worked on a number of ‘Black Ops’ programmes for the US military – recently told the Weekly World Shopper. “I know for a fact that one of these scientifically created sex-fuelled mutants is a groper with the power to cloud his victims’ minds, so they have no recollection of having seen him – but still feel the gropings! As for that ‘sexual frenzy’, that’s the work of a female super deviant who can telepathically induce her victims to masturbate themselves to death!” Brobbins believes that these strikes by the ‘Sex Men’ have been retaliation for North Korea’s alleged hacking of Sony’s computers and ISIS’ beheadings of American hostages.

Despite denials by the US government that the ‘Sex Men’ exist, Brobbins is adamant that the programme has been active since the 1970s. “It actually originated in World War Two with the attempts to produce a ‘Super Soldier’ serum, with which weedy guys unfit for military service could be transformed into fighting machines,” he told the Weekly World Shopper. “By the early seventies, with the Vietnam War going badly, some senior figures in the military wanted to revive the programme, but because of the relative lack of success of the original project – it produced lots of mutants with useless super-powers, like giant testicles – they were denied funding by the Pentagon.” According to Brobbins a group of top generals then decided to covertly revive the programme, with corporate finance. “The problem was that nobody in the private sector was interested – they just couldn’t see how they’d get a return on their investment. As they saw it, there was just no non-military application for the project,” the scientist explained to the Weekly World shopper – available at all good super market checkouts throughout the Mid West. “Then salvation came from an unexpected source – the porn industry!”

Elusive adult movie producer Otto Prengler unexpectedly stepped in to finance the project – but only under certain conditions. “Rather than use servicemen as experimental subjects, Prengler insisted that performers from his porn films should be employed,” explained Brobbins. “Obviously, he had one eye on his business – porn performers with increased stamina, enhanced genitalia and super sexual powers would be big box office!” Under Prengler’s direction, the project progressed rapidly. “It shouldn’t really have come as a surprise that Prengler would be interested in such a project – before he became involved in the adult film business he’d been a research scientist specialising in restoring the sexual abilities of servicemen who had suffered severe genital injuries,” the scientist claims. “Tragically, following a lab accident, Prengler was paralysed from the neck down and confined to a wheelchair. Incredibly, he was able to develop his mental powers to the extent that he could project a ‘psychic penis’ which could bring women to an orgasm at ranges of up to a hundred feet! That’s how he earned his nickname, Professor Sex, so it was only natural that the sex powered mutants he helped create for the military would end up being called the ‘Sex Men’!”

Amongst the original ‘Sex Men’ line up were an adult performer who could maintain an erection for hours at a time, another with a tooth lined vagina and a man with a penis so muscular it could be used to beat opponents to death. Others included an agent who could eviscerate her enemies by sucking their innards out through their penises whilst performing fellatio, another who could turn any man gay through telepathic suggestion and several others with sexual stamina so incredible that they could, quite literally, shag opponents to death. “The only problem was that by the time they had a team of these sex powered super heroes assembled, the war in Vietnam had ended – leaving them with nothing to do except appear in increasingly bizarre adult movies,” Brobbins told the Weekly World Shopper. “But the election of Ronald Reagan to the Presidency and his stoking up of Cold War tensions saw them finally given military missions as they were covertly deployed against the Soviet Union’s leaders – why else do you think all those aged Kremlin leaders died in quick succession back then? Their hearts just couldn’t take the rigours of our agents’ sexual powers when they were seduced by them. They were eliminated by the ‘Sex Men’ so as to pave the way for the more moderate Gorbachev to take power, which, in turn, eventually resulted in the break up of the Soviet Union!”

Having won the cold War for America, it was only natural that the ‘Sex Men’ should be deployed in further conflicts, including Kosovo, both Gulf Wars and Afghanistan. “Luckily, it coincided with the decline of traditional adult movies as porn moved to the web, leaving them with more time to carry out covert military missions,” Brobbins mused in the tabloid. “They notched up some major successes, such as buggering to death half of Saddam Hussein’s elite Republican guard in the second Gulf War. Not to mention the time they turned several al Qeada operatives gay in Afghanistan and sent them to seduce Osama bin Laden – it damn near worked!” Despite publication of the Weekly World Shopper article, the US government has maintained its stance that the ‘Sex Men’ do not exist and that there have never been any secret projects to create super powered sex porn stars. Indeed, a White House spokesperson has pointed out that ‘Sex Men’ is actually a series of adult films produced by Otto ‘Professor Sex’ Prengler, ripping off the ‘X Men’ films and that Brobbins, far from being a defence contractor, had actually been a special effects technician on Prengler’s films before suffering a mental breakdown. Brobbins has responded by accusing the US government of a smear campaign designed to discredit him. “They’re running scared,” he told the Weekly World Shopper/. “I want people to know that if I’m found dead, apparently the victim of some bizarre auto-erotic activity gone wrong – it will be murder, at the hand, or genitalia, of the ‘Sex Men’!”