The autobiography of former cleaner to the stars Edie Brickham is set to rock the world of showbiz with a series of completely unsubstantiated allegations about the unhygienic habits of the succession of top stars that she claims to have cleaned up after for over thirty years. Fans of the Spice Girls are bound to be shocked by what 78 year old Brickham claims to have seen whilst cleaning for them during 1998-99. “I know exactly why that Victoria Beckham said that her husband was like an animal in bed”, she gleefully told us. “The state he left the sheets in, it was disgusting – I’ve never seen skid marks like it before! Mind you, she’s no better – they wouldn’t call her Posh Spice if they’d seen the state of her underwear!” Speaking of Mel B she says: “No wonder they call her Scary Spice – the state of her knickers is shocking, you’d think that with her money she wouldn’t be wearing panties with the arse worn out of them!” Dealing with Emma Bunton’s laundry provided Brickham with some insights into the so-called Baby Spice’s private habits. “I thought it a bit strange the number of nappies she put out for washing, as she didn’t have any children, but then I noticed that they were adult sized and realised that she must be wearing them!” Brickham speculates that Bunton might actually gain sexual gratification by dressing up as a baby. “It wouldn’t surprise me if she had an oversize high chair in which she sat whilst being fed baby food by a strapping black leather clad man”, Brickham says. “Although I never actually saw any such thing. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she enjoyed having her nappy changed by the same bloke – having her bottom sensually caressed by moist baby-wipes, before being powdered. Again, I never saw anything like that actually happen.” The silver-haired septuagenarian also has devastating news for fans of Sporty Spice Mel C: “I regularly used to find jockstraps and men’s Y-fronts amongst her washing. Moreover, splash marks around her toilet bowl looked distinctly like the type left by blokes when they “shake the snake” after having a pee. Obviously, she has a penis!”
Edie Brickham’s career as a cleaner to the celebrities began in 1971 when she worked for the late Jim Morrison during his final days in Paris. “Jim was such a nice boy”, Edie recalls. “But he did like getting his bald-headed bandit out and waving it around a lot – it could be very distracting!” She also reveals that throughout his Paris period Morrison suffered badly from ennui and, having temporarily forsaken drink and drugs, turned to masturbation for relief instead. “He was at it up to five hours a day!” She says. “He did it everywhere – in bed, on the sofa, in the bath, in the kitchen, on the toilet – everywhere! The problem was that he didn’t toss himself off cleanly enough. In my experience most men will cleanly soak up their ejaculations with a tissue or cloth, but not Jim. He just used to flick it off – you’d find it running down the walls, or dripping off of the ceiling or a lampshade – very unhygienic. If you don’t clean it up while its still fresh, it can become a real problem – congealed jism is one of the most difficult things in the world to shift. I ended up having to paint over one particularly large deposit on the skirting boards!” Eventually Brickham persuaded Morrison to modify his habits – he took to tossing his ejaculations out of the open window instead. “That was fine until poor old Mrs Leclerc got splashed in the face. Apparently it was still warm. Luckily, through force of habit, she didn’t swallow!” In a final attempt at hygiene, Morrison was persuaded to toss his jism off into handy receptacles – usually coffee cups. Unfortunately, on at least one occasion, this led to it being mistaken for cream, and coffee being poured in on top. “Poor Ray Manzarak, that was the only time he came to visit Jim in Paris, and he ended up having to be stomach pumped at the local hospital”, recollects Edie. Luckily, the former Doors keyboard player made a full recovery. After this incident, Edie suggested to Morrison that he go back to drink and drugs, as these would cause fewer problems than his wanking.
During the 1980s Brickham cleaned regularly for Queen frontman Freddie Mercury. “Freddie was such a sweet man”, she says. “But he had terrible toilet habits! His aim was terrible when he peed and the carpet and floorboards around his toilet were quite rotten as a result!” Brickham also claims that Mercury frequently neglected to flush after using the toilet, leading to huge build ups of shit. “It was terrible”, she declares. “The things I saw in that toilet bowl! Not to mention the smell! I sometimes wondered what he’d been eating! It wasn’t so bad when it was just solid turds – you could dislodge them with the toilet brush before flushing – but when it was the liquid stuff there was no option but to dredge it out!” The absent-minded Mercury also had an extremely bad habit of wiping his arse on pieces of tissue paper which he then left lying about the flat. “I remember that Brian May once inadvertently blew his nose on one when he was visiting”, Brickham remembers. “He had Freddie’s shit all over his face. It was very comical.” According to Brickham, the versatile vocalist’s greatest passion was collecting his own farts. “Whenever he cracked one off in the bath, he would trap it in a glass jar”, she explains. “Then, at parties, he would harmlessly explode them by dropping a lighted match into the jar. According to the particular qualities of the fart and the size of the jar, it would make a different musical note as it ignited. I once saw him play “Bohemian Rhapsody” using over a hundred jars!” Mercury built up a huge collection of bottled farts. Unfortunately, disaster struck one morning as Brickham was cleaning: “They must have been leaking, because when I lit up a fag, there was this huge explosion which wrecked the entire building. We were lucky to survive, poor Freddie’s moustache was blown clean off!” The force of the explosion shattered windows for a two mile radius. Suspecting a terrorist bombing, police sealed off the area for six hours. Even before the book – Dirty Work – has reached the bookshops, doubt has been cast on its authenticity, with a spokesman for the Spice Girls denying that Brickham had ever worked for them and describing her colourful claims as “total fabrication”. He added that the group’s laundry could easily pass the ‘Daz doorstep challenge’ with flying colours.