“Welcome to the Springwatch dogging special. As you join us, we’re positioned in our hide beside a B-road in Berkshire, within sight of a busy lay-by known to be one of the area’s most popular dogging spots,” presenter Chris Packham yesterday told shocked viewers of the BBC’s popular nature programme. “This is shaping up to be an extraordinary broadcast, isn’t it Kate?” Crouching next to Packham in their hedgerow ‘hide’, his co-presenter Kate Humble was equally enthusiastic about the evening ahead. “Yes Chris, we’re hoping to see some real wild action here today,” she informed viewers. “As everyone knows, this is the time of year that impromptu outdoor sex really blossoms. The fine weather and warm temperatures tempt the usually shy and furtive doggers out of their cars, into the open. Sometimes even in daylight.” However, her introduction was cut short by Packham. “Sorry, I’ll have to stop you there Kate, as I’ve just had word that a car has been spotted turning into the lane,” he announced, peering through a pair of powerful binoculars. “Yes, I can see him now. He’s slowing down. Is he going to stop? I think he’s about to pull into the lay-by – no, he’s driving on. He seems confused. Something’s spooked him – perhaps he’s spotted one of our camera crews. Wait, wait. He’s coming back, yes, he’s pulling in! Perhaps we’ll see some action now.”

At this point, most viewers still believed that they were watching a nature programme. “I still hadn’t twigged what was going on, even when they started filming this car, I still thought we were going to see some animal action,” Sixty eight year old Bert Hoddocks, one of tens of viewers who phoned into the BBC to complain, later told a phone in on his local radio station. “They should have made it clearer what they were up to – I didn’t know what ‘dogging’ was, I thought he said it was a ‘doggie’ special.” Any doubts as to the programme’s content were quickly dispelled by subsequent on-scree developments. “I don’t know Chris, he seems to be on his own. Of course, we might witness some solo action if he’s got some jazz mags with him. A bit disappointing if that’s all we see, but better than nothing,” whispered Humble, craning her neck for a better view of the car in question. “Hang on, another car is coming – they’re slowing down. Yes, they’re pulling up in front of the first one, and I think – yes, it is, it’s definitely a female!” Astonished viewers then saw grainy footage of another vehicle pulling up in front of the first car. “Very promising Kate – let’s hope she doesn’t lose her nerve and bolt. I can see her looking round,” enthused Packham, in hushed tones. “She seems reassured by the discarded, rain damaged porn magazines strewn in the hedgerow and the used condoms hanging from the trees. She’s definitely interested. Oh yes! She’s flashing her brake lights in the universally recognised mating signals of doggers the world over!”

A visibly excited Humble then began to describe the initial moves in the doggers’ elaborate mating ritual. “Indeed Chris, and now the male is getting out of his car and approaching hers. I must say that he’s a fine specimen, the best I’ve seen in a long time,” she burbled over live footage of the lay by. “Oh! She’s getting out too! Now they’re both climbing onto the back seat of her vehicle! Let’s go over to Bill Oddie, who’s concealed in the lay-by’s litter bin, for a blow-by-blow commentary on what’s developing.” With that the hidden cameras zoomed in on the woman’s car as it began to bounce up and down, accompanied by the commentary of celebrity ‘twitcher’ and former one-third of The Goodies, Bill Oddie. “Oh yes, Kate! There’s no messing about with this pair – they’re straight down to it! In fact, it looks as if it might, quite literally, turn out to be blow-by-blow!” he cackled. “Oh, what a magnificent pair! And I’ve never seen one whipped out so quick! Go on, get in there! Fwooar! That’s right mate, give ’em a squeeze! Oooh! Bloody hell missus!” As the commentary descended into an unintelligible mixture of wheezing and delighted chortling, as the screen continued to show graphic pictures of heaving buttocks and other body parts in the now violently shaking car, shocked viewers began inundating the BBC’s phone lines with complaints, appalled by what they were seeing and hearing.

“I can’t deny that was expecting to see some wild creatures, a few furry things and the like, but nothing like that,” claimed Hoddocks. “I can tell you I was really shocked, I’d never seen stuff like that before – how she got her legs like that is beyond me! I suppose it was educational in some ways, but they really should give clear warnings before showing that sort of stuff – at my age I have to watch my heart.” In the face of claims in this morning’s tabloids that it had subjected viewers to what amounted to a live porn feed, the BBC has defended its decision to broadcast the dogging special edition. “We felt that it had real sociological value. Illicit outdoor sex is one of Britain’s fastest growing past times,” a spokesperson claimed. “Besides, everyone knows that the only reason people tune in to things like Springwatch is in the hope that they might see some animal sex, it’s like a form of legitimate kinky porn they can justify watching. We just thought we’d try being honest about it for once.” However, it appears that viewers didn’t appreciate the gesture. “I won’t deny I sometimes watch it to observe the mating rituals of wildlife – here in the town we don’t get much,” Hoddocks admitted during the radio phone-in. “But this was all too graphic and, well, dirty. I mean, there was stuff squirting everywhere and she was screaming so loudly I had to mute the volume, not to mention how hairy and pock-marked that blokes arse was, plus her legs were flabby. It just wasn’t as neat and efficient as the animal sex we usually get on Springwatch.”

Nonetheless, Hoddocks conceded that he did keep watching the programme to the very end. “I was going to switch over to Eastenders when the car windows started steaming up,” he said. “But then they switched to infra red heat imaging cameras – I thought it all looked a lot better that way. It’s somehow less objectionable if their genitals just flare red when they ejaculate.” Many viewers expressed relief that presenter Chris Packham had kept his clothes on during the broadcast. “He does has form for getting his kit off,” observed Hoddocks. “I won’t forget that Countryfile presenters nude calender they did for charity – he was February, May, July, October and December! Each one was the same – he was starkers, apart from some poor animal he held in front of his privates, that owl in May looked really disturbed, except for October where he was provocatively cranking an apple press between his legs. Poor old John Craven only got the one month: March, where he was tastefully pictured looking over his shoulder, toward the camera, as he drove a tractor with just a discreet glimpse of bum cleavage.” The BBC have denied the existence of any such official merchandising.