In a series of astonishing allegations, a Tory back bencher has claimed that, far from being on a walking holiday in the Scottish Highlands, the real reason for new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn being unable to attend a ceremony to swear him in as a member of the Privy Council was that he was attending a meeting of his local witches’ coven. “It’s no secret that Corbyn is a pagan, in thrall to all manner of heinous deities, indulging in vile religious rites which openly mock those of the Church of England, of which Her Majesty is head,” Sir Hubert Fockley-Fireplace, MP for South Cockshire, told the Daily Norks earlier this week. “I have no doubt that he feared an exorcism, or worse, if he entered our beloved Majesty’s presence, which is why he keeps dodging the ceremony.” According to Fockley-Fireplace, Corbyn isn’t just an ordinary witch, rather he is the High Priest of the coven in his North London constituency. “It should be obvious to everyone – I mean, just look at that beard! It’s the type of beard you see High Priests in horror films wearing whilst they are about to sacrifice some nubile young virgin they have tied, naked, to their altar!” he informed readers of the tabloid. “Everybody knows that beard wearers are evil – just look at Fidel Castro, or The Master in Dr Who, before the programme succumbed to political correctness gone mad and turned him into a woman!” The veteran back bencher is in no doubt that Corbyn and his coven are black witches, dedicated to evil.

“Believe me, he’s not one of those white witches – some harmless nutter who thinks they can use their magic to get their hens to lay eggs,” he spluttered. “I have it on good authority that he presides over all manner of filthy black sabbats and the like, invoking all sorts of evil creatures from beyond the grave!” Sir Hubert is convinced that Corbyn’s aim is to destabilise Britain through black magic. “We all know that he hates Britain – David Cameron has told us”, says Fockley-Fireplace. “The unpatriotic bastard has already started. Remember how he skipped out on attending the opening of the Rugby World Cup, claiming he had to attend a constituency meeting? Well, it there was a meeting in his constituency all right: a coven! And what happened next? That’s right, England humiliatingly crashed out of the competition in the group stage!” But undermining national morale through sporting defeat is simply the tip of the iceberg, the MP believes. “It’s clear to me that the Britain-hating bastard is determined to turn us from a Christian nation, into the arms of Satan,” he asserted in the newspaper interview. “Before you know it there will be human sacrifices being made on the altars of our churches, in the shadow of an inverted crucifix! There will be chaos and lawlessness on the streets! He won’t be happy until he has used his powers to utterly destroy British values!”

The back bencher believes that the recent Labour leadership contest demonstrated the extent of Corbyn’s evil powers, claiming that he deployed black magic against his opponents. “How else can you explain how an obscure back bencher could come out of nowhere to beat three experienced front benchers to the leadership, other than as being the result of black magic?” he demanded. “It’s obvious that he put some kind of spell on his rivals: Liz Kendall suddenly found herself involuntarily spouting Tory party policy, Yvette Cooper found herself incapable of articulating any kind of policy proposals and Andy Burnham found himself devoid of any personality or charisma!” Sir Hubert is also convinced that Corbyn was only nominated for the leadership after weaving some kind of spell over the Labour MPs who nominated him. “They all said that they regretted doing it,” he notes. “None of them could explain why they nominated him, either!” But the witch Corbyn’s use of the Black Arts wasn’t confined to hexing his rivals and spellbinding his colleagues, Fockley-Fireplace asserts. “It seems obvious to me that all those young people who joined the Labour Party just to vote for him were under some kind of enchantment,” he told the tabloid, going on to explain that he suspected that these new recruits had also been sexually exploited by Corbyn and his coven. “I have it on good authority that many of those mass meetings he addressed were Bacchanalian orgies, involving hundreds of writhing naked bodies and mass copulation, all presided over by a kaftan-wearing Corbyn and his acolytes!”

Not surprisingly, Fockley-Fireplace’s allegations have been widely ridiculed, with the Labour Party dismissing them as yet another example of Tory scaremongering. “Their attempts to demonise Jeremy, from the Prime Minister accusing him of being ant-British to all those ridiculous stories in the Tory press claiming that he wants to abolish the army or supports terrorists are becoming ever more ludicrous,” Labour back bencher Jim Hackles told the BBC. “After all, if he really did have magic powers, then you’d have thought that he would have been able to stop those Labour MPs from abstaining on the fiscal charter vote by casting a spell on them, rather than simply relying on a three line whip.” Focklet-Fireplace’s claims have been further undermined the revelation that the ‘good authority’ he was relying upon for first hand accounts of the doings of Corbyn’s coven was actually a former Tory council candidate and convicted sex offender notorious for his attempts to sell scurrilous stories concerning Labour politicians to the tabloids. “Just because my source is currently on licence after an alleged peeping Tom incident – he assures me that he was merely involved in some legitimate investigative journalism when he was caught up that ladder – doesn’t invalidate his claims regarding Corbyn,” he blustered, when doorstepped by journalists. “He’s infiltrated the evil bastard’s meetings – all sex offenders are welcome – and seen his depredations for himself!”

The Tory politician went on to claim that Corbyn’s meetings were also a haven for illegal immigrants. “They’re all bloody pagans – especially the black ones,” he ranted. “Why else do you think Corbyn wants to let them overrun the country? He’s importing bloody Satanists!” This outburst resulted in Fockley-Fireplace having the Conservative whip temporarily withdrawn from him, pending an investigation and possible disciplinary action. “Obviously, it is quite ludicrous to claim that Mr Corbyn is a witch or that he practices the Black Arts,” Conservative Party Deputy Chairman Michael Green told a press conference. “The fact is that he is actually an alien contactee who claims to be in contact with invisible Venusian nudists, who advise him on policy matters. He regularly spends his constituency meetings sitting cross legged, whistling and bleeping like a poorly tuned radio, before claiming that the nudists from Venus have made contact and proceeding to address his gathered constituents in a high-pitched voice. All of his bizarre policy initiatives, from making big businesses pay their taxes to compulsory naturism and the banning of clothes, have come from this outer space source.”