The Trump campaign has denied that it had spent millions of dollars sending operatives to the Amazon jungle in search of Adolf Hitler in order to have him as a keynote speaker at the recent Republican National Convention. “Not only are such suggestions offensive, but they are also totally ludicrous,” says Sam Tingler, a top Trump fundraiser, responsible for raising sums in excess of $125 for the re-election of the President in his home town in Connecticut. “I mean, for one thing, everyone knows that Hitler died in 1945. Even if he was still alive, he’d be well over a hundred years old!” Nonetheless, the story persists that some members of the Trump campaign sought the endorsement of the former Fuhrer. “The story might have become exaggerated in the telling, but I certainly believe that there’s some truth in it,” declares Bill Jangle, political correspondent for the South Iowa News Network. “my information is that there wasn’t an entire ‘team’ down in South America, just a single guy and there was no way that they spent millions on their hunt for Hitler.” According to Jangle’s sources, the individual involved was Vietnam veteran ‘Big’ Jake Rattler, soldier of fortune and sometime tour guide. “He fled to Brazil during the Iran-Contra business – there’s still a Federal warrant out for him on arms smuggling charges – and hid out in the jungle for ten years, so he knows parts of it pretty well,” explains the news man. “He’s still a registered Republican, though and when he got wind of a rumour that Hitler was alive and well – rejuvenated by the mysterious herbal concoctions of an enigmatic tribe living deep in the Amazon basin – and advising current Brazilian president Bolsanaro, Rattler got it into his head that Adolf would be the perfect guest speaker at the Republican Convention.”

But just why would anyone think that the former leader of Nazi Germany, a regime characterised by genocide and mass murder, would be a suitable speaker at the Republican National Convention? “Well, the fact is that the Republicans had every other right wing kook lined up to endorse Trump,” says Jangle. “You know, that couple who point guns at passing protesters, the kid with the MAGA hat who had that staring match with the Native American guy and Mike Pence. So, why not Hitler, as well?” Indeed, the journalist believes that some of the more extreme elements supporting Trump would have welcomed an intervention from Hitler. “The Bolsanaro connection would have provided some degree of rehabilitation – Bolsanaro is a big right-wing icon and an admirer of Trump, to boot,” he says. “The idea that Hitler had been advising Bolsanaro on stuff like his Coronavirus non-response, anti-environmental policies and the like would have endeared him to the Trump faithful – the only thing that could have made him more popular would have been if it had turned out that the former Fuhrer had been advising the Philippines’ Dueterte on his use of death squads to tackle drug crime!”

Unfortunately, ‘Big’ Jake Rattler’s one man expedition into the Amazon jungle didn’t go as planned. “The area where the mysterious native village was supposedly located turned out to have been recently deforested, thanks to the Bolsanaro government’s policies. He did find the remains of a village, completely burned out by loggers,” claims Jangle. “Following a tip off from locals, he penetrated deeper into the jungle, in search of Hitler and this fabled tribe, but after three weeks had found nothing and run out of provisions – he was forced to drink his own urine and eat three of his own fingers for sustenance.” Undeterred, after returning to civilisation, Rattler followed up another rumour – that while Hitler had died in 1945, his brain had been preserved and transported by U-Boat to a secret location in South America. “He still denies that this ‘rumour’ was actually the result of having seen a TV rerun of They Saved Hitler’s Brain as he lay delirious in his hotel room,” says Jangle. “Regardless of the story’s origin, he set off in search of a secret laboratory with the idea of bringing Hitler’s brain – his whole head, actually, to the States for the Republican National Convention.” In fact, Rattler had already been in contact with wealthy Trump supporters with a view to providing Hitler with a new, high tech , body. “They had this crazy plan to build a sophisticated body on which to mount this disembodied head,” reveals Jangle. “That way, Hitler could walk on stage and up to the podium under his own power in order to endorse Trump.” But, as with the rumours of Hitler living in the jungle, sustained by native potions, the search for his brain came to nothing.

Some Trump supporters have lamented the non-appearance of Hitler at the Convention. “Look, I’m not saying that it would have been a good thing for Hitler to have turned up to endorse the President for a second term, but if he had been able to do so, there could have been some positives,” opines Sam Tingler. “There are parallels – both strong leaders who, against a background of turbulence and unrest, believe firmly in law and order, not afraid to take the strong measures necessary to impose order on communities disrupted by anarchists and leftist extremists, for instance.” He also notes that both Hitler and Trump are self-made made. “Sure, I know that Hitler didn’t have a billionaire daddy, but nonetheless, they both had to make their own success,” he muses. “When they started their political careers, both had people saying they were crazy, but they both persuaded people to vote for them. Both have had to endure all manner of leftist propaganda and lies – just look at the crap Trump has had to endure from the mainstream media. How can we be sure that all that negative stuff about Hitler isn’t leftist propaganda as well?” Warming to his theme, the fundraiser notes that both Hitler and Trump suffered having successful campaigns derailed by unforeseen external events. “Everything was going great for Donald Trump ubtil that Coronavirus pandemic destabilised the economy,” he note. “It was the same for Hitler – everything was going great – the German economy was strong and growing and then whammy! World War Two broke out and derailed it all!”

Most of all, thinks Tingler, Trump and Hitler could have found common ground when it came to the matter of democracy and elections. “Let’s not forget, they were both democratically elected leaders whose legitimacy was constantly questioned and threatened by leftist attempts at election rigging,” he says. “That’s why Hitler was forced to abandon elections – I mean, he’d won an overwhelming victory once and the people clearly loved him – any future election was liable to be rigged against him by the left, so what choice did he have? Trump now finds himself in a similar situation.” While Jangle is firmly of the opinion that the idea of bringing Hitler to the Republican National Convention was never more than a right-wing fantasy, others believe that the former Fuhrer was found and brought to the US. “They actually got his preserved living head to the US and fitted it to a mechanical body,” claims conspiracy theorist Roger Tremble in the latest issue of Conspiracy Digest. “They even had him, behind the scenes at the Convention, ready to go on and endorse Trump.” Things, however, didn’t go to plan. “After seeing a parade of right-wing crazies singing Trump’s praises and actually hearing some of Trump’s previous speeches, Hitler decided that it was all too extreme for him,” claims Tremble. “Apparently, he was heard to declare ‘Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuckwit’ of the Trump campaign, before clanking his way out and heading back in the direction of South America.”