“Look, just because the guy was some kind of cripple, completely unable to do anything physical – sort of a giant brain in a wheelchair – that doesn’t mean that he couldn’t have been a gross pervert into kids,” screeches right-wing US agitator and self-styled ‘journalist’ Laura Looney on her latest You Tube video, addressing the issue of the late Stephen Hawking’s name having appeared on the so-called ‘Epstein List’. “In fact, it is all the more likely, as those intellectuals are always liberals and therefore perverts. Besides, just because he was completely impotent and incapable, he still could have been a voyeur, getting his kicks from simply watching child sex orgies!” While to most rational human beings, the inclusion of noted quadriplegic physicist Hawking’s name on this so called ‘list’, (actually simply a list of everyone mentioned in a court case related to one of Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged victims, with no indication that any of them are actually guilty, let alone accused, of any wrong doing), is confirmation that the rumours surrounding ‘Epstein Island’ as a venue for sex orgies involving the great and the good – a sort of right-wing Fantasy Island’ – is largely fantasy, it has become the focus of wild speculation on the part of extreme right crackpots as to just how his participation might have been facilitated.
“I think that the answer is obvious – Hawking used his scientific genius to design a huge mechanical penis,” opines Greg Withered, Wisconsin’s leading expert on paedophile-based sex conspiracies in the latest issue of Conspiracy Today Digest. “With his financial muscle, Epstein had it built for Hawking – he’d be wired up to the thing as it raped various underage girls on Epstein Island, the sensations of its thrusting and probing being fed directly into the pleasure centres of his brain! I have a very reliable anonymous source who reckons that as he came to climax using this ‘cyber-penis’, Hawking was doing ‘donuts’ and wheelies in his wheelchair, its tyres squeeling and smoking!” Withered has further claimed that Hawking was so depraved that he also had his victims wired up so that their terror and pain were also fed directly into his brain for his twisted enjoyment. “It was one hell of a power trip for him,” says the conspiracist. “A sort of revenge for his physical incapacity and subsequent dependence upon, usually female, carers.” In a variation on Withered’s theory, Alabama based conspiracy obsessive Herb Slack insists that Hawking had Epstein construct a complete exo-skeleton for him, which enabled him to perform normal sexual activity. “He was even able to simulate an erection thanks to having his penis encased in what looked like miniature scaffolding,” he told listeners to his latest podcast. “With a latex sheath over the top, it apparently felt a bit like a ribbed condom when it was in action.”
Others, though, have cast doubt on the veracity of these supposed high tech solutions. “According to my anonymous sources, it was simply a case of Epstein having Hawking strung up like an over-sized puppet,” speculates Ron Droop, Chief Conspiracy Correspondent for a right-wing online TV ‘News’ network. “A team of the world’s greatest living puppeteers then manipulated him into position and pulled the strings so as to allow him to have sexual intercourse with young girls. Apparently, he had to shout instructions to them – ‘faster’, ‘slower’, more to the left’, ‘go for the vinegar stroke’ and so on.” By contrast, Zach Limpley, of Modern Conspiracy News Network, an internet radio station, believes that we need to look to Epstein Island’s obvious model, the TV series Fantasy Island for answers. “If you will recall, the proprietor of ‘Fantasy Island’, the mysterious Mr Roarke, was apparently able to perform supernatural miracles in order to allow his guests to fulfil their fantasies, even temporarily giving them superhuman powers in some cases,” mused Limpley. “Maybe Epstein was similarly able to temporarily restore Hawking to full health. Or perhaps he was able to temporarily transfer his mind to the body of some strapping male porn star. After, it seems obvious that Epstein must have been some kind of supernatural being – mortal man could surely have lured so many top politicians and celebrities to his island in order to compromise themselves by participating in orgies and the like.”
Whilst dismissing these speculations as ‘utter nonsense’, some critics of the whole ‘Epstein List’ frenzy have seized upon Limpley’s Fantasy Island analogy. “Perhaps Donald Trump was there acting as his sidekick, Tattoo to Epstein’s Mr Roarke, shouting ‘It’s the plane!’ before waddling over to Epstein to greet that week’s tranche of guests,” ponders Joe Rodd of the Washington Democrat. “Because, of course, that surely can be the only rational explanation as to how Trump’s name appears on passenger lists for Epstein’s private jet, can’t it? He was merely an employee following orders, but never actually taking part, or having knowledge, of all the sexual shenanigans allegedly going on there!” According to Rodd, a columnist for the liberal-leaning newspaper, the Epstein Island furore is simply the latest of the crazed conspiracy fantasies that currently pass for political discourse amongst the US right-wing. “It’s the ultimate in the extreme right’s utterly ridiculous masturbatory fantasies – a mystical place where plane loads of liberals and celebrities are flown to in order that mysterious millionaire Mr Roarke, sorry Epstein, can make their most perverted sexual fantasies come true,” he says. “The reality, of course, is that Epstein wooed people from across the political spectrum in order to lend himself legitimacy and influence – offering them money and support for their various vanity projects and charities was enough to get them aboard without having to offer them the sexual favours of children!”
Rodd believes the attraction of the Epstein Island allegations are so beloved of the right is because they seem to play into their own fantasies that anyone who doesn’t stand somewhere to the right of Adolf Hitler is a depraved murderer and paedophile. “It gives them licence, they think, to spin all kinds of wild allegations about public figures they don’t like on the basis of no evidence whatsoever,” he explains. “What fascinates me is just how depraved and warped some of the activities they ascribe others actually are – what kind of mind can come up with such fantasies? Is this whole Epstein affair and their general obsession with paedophilia just some kind of mass projection of the extreme right’s own darkest and most repressed fantasies onto their enemies?” Recent utterances by right-wing ‘Shock Jock’ and self proclaimed ‘liberterian extremist’ Archie Jinks on his internet conspiracy show would seem to confirm Rodd’s fears. “We all know that stuff like ages of consent are restrictions placed on our sexual freedoms by liberal communist Democrats under the cloak of ‘morality’,” he ranted from his basement studio, (he has been housebound since growing too fat to fit through his front door), his jowls quivering. “But that doesn’t stop the hypocrites from jetting off to Epstein Island for some underage action! Damn it, we on the right have just as much right to that sweet, firm, young ass and we’ll keep shaming those liberals until we get our share!”
