In their haste to report on Colonel Gaddafi’s denunciation of the existing global political order, and his calls for Blair and Bush to be tried as war criminals, most journalists and political commentators overlooked the most startling part of his recent two hour address to the United Nations’ General Assembly – his call for a ban on mind readers. “It was near then end – most people had got really bored by then, so probably didn’t hear it. Either that or they thought it was just more of his gibberish,” investigative journalist Harry Tickler – who claims that the Libyan leader’s strange reference has subsequently been removed from all known recordings and transcripts of the speech – exclusively told The Sleaze. “But he definitely made an impassioned plea for all mind readers and mentalists to be outlawed, describing them as ‘evil’, ‘perverted’ and ‘blasphemous’.” Far from being the deluded ravings of a madman, Tickler believes that Gaddafi’s plea is just the latest manifestation of a sinister and wide-ranging conspiracy which threatens the future of the entire free world. “It’s no coincidence that there has been a growing backlash against TV and stage mind readers, hypnotists and magicians in recent months,” he says. “Only last week there was a riot in Rugby after police rescued a mind reader who had been performing at a local working men’s club from a mob that was trying to lynch him! Hundreds of them laid siege to the police station, overturning cars and setting them alight in surrounding streets!” Warwickshire Constabulary have confirmed that riot police had to use batons and tear gas to disperse an angry mob, but claimed that the incident had been sparked by the mind reader making lewd suggestions and improper advances to female members of his audience. However, one of the attackers later told a local newspaper that he had attended a previous performance by the mind reader, in Daventry, shortly after which he had been arrested for a series of thefts of women’s underwear from washing lines. “The only way the filth could have known it was me was if that mind reading bastard had been inside my head and tipped them off,” asserted Wilbur Clanghopper, who was subsequently released on bail. “I should have realised what was going on when he had me up on the stage doing some card trick – I could feel him crawling about in my mind!” According to the unemployed pubic hair stylist, the entire mob had recently suffered similar experiences at the hands of mind readers, all having been arrested for minor offences after attending a show.
Although suggestions that the police have been using mind readers as informants have been dismissed by the authorities as laughable, Tickler believes that it isn’t just the police who are using them. “Where do you think the intelligence services have been getting all their intelligence on terrorist plots?” he asks, pointing out that the CIA have been experimenting with paranormal espionage techniques such as ‘remote viewing’ since the 1950s. “This way they know what the terrorists are going to do even before they’ve had a chance to act on their schemes! It’s the perfect form of surveillance – no bugs, hidden cameras, elaborate electronics or huge teams of agents – just a single mind reader unobtrusively gathering the terrorists’ thoughts!” Indeed, several Islamic fundamentalist terror suspects have claimed to have seen men in evening dress, eyes closed in concentration and fingers pressed to their temples, loitering outside their mosques prior to their arrests. The reporter also believes that stage mentalists are increasingly being used by politicians to manipulate the electorate. “It started in the States, with the Democrats deploying David Blaine to ‘persuade’ rednecks to vote for a black man in the Presidential election,” he says, claiming that in the days after Obama’s victory the internet was swamped with stories from American voters, shocked to find that the man they had voted for was black. “They all claimed that they had only ever seen some white, blonde Aryan-looking guy on TV standing for the Democrats. Significantly, many of them also swore blind that they’d glimpsed David Blaine lurking in the background every time Obama was on TV, holding up his right hand to display a strange looking eye-like image painted on his palm. It was clearly some kind of hypnosis!” In a disturbing development, Tickler claims that all of these message board posts and Twitter conversations have vanished without trace from the web. These practices seem to have crossed the Atlantic, with rumours rife that the Prime Minister is about to employ the services of illusionist Derren Brown to convince the British electorate that his government has been an unqualified success. “If he pulls it off, it will be the greatest illusion of his career,” muses Tickler. “Of course, some would say that his rival Paul McKenna’s feat of mesmerising voters into believing that David Cameron is not only electable, but also a decent person, is the greater achievement.”
Tickler believes that the anti-mind reader movement originated in the South East of England with some enigmatic graffiti. “For some time now the words ‘Ban the Mind Reader’ have been appearing on walls in Chatham and other Medway towns,” he says. “It alleges that ‘The Mind Reader’ is ‘an evil computer ‘ and that it causes explosions and fires, creates criminals and causes sickness.” The reporter claims that everywhere there has been an assault, the words have appeared on walls and railway arches. Although its authorship remains unknown, Tickler believes that he has uncovered the sinister secret to which the graffiti alludes. “Last month I was approached by a former government scientist who had worked on a top secret project in Chatham – ‘Project Mind Reader’,” he reveals. “The aim was to boost the powers of mind readers and conjurers by technological means, with the goal being to read anybody’s mind, anywhere, any time, thereby allowing crimes to be prevented before potential perpetrators even had a chance to offend! It would have been the ultimate expression of ‘Surveillance Britain’!” The scientist told Tickler that the first test had involved popular magician Ali Bongo. “They hooked him up to all this electronic equipment, then turned up the power,” he explains. “The result was chaos! Everyone in a two mile radius was suddenly coughing up strings of silk scarves, or had playing cards flying out of their sleeves! As for Ali Bongo – it was too much for him and his head exploded!” Undeterred by this setback, the government decided to continue with the project. “The Ali Bongo incident had proven beyond all doubt that the conjurer’s powers could be amplified, but the energy produced was clearly too much for a single individual to channel. So, for the next test they yoked together Paul Daniels, the Great Soprendo and Derek Ogilvie, with devastating results,” Tickler confides. “As soon as the power was switched on, the whole of Chatham went berserk! People were running around screaming that there was someone in their head! Others were trying to saw women in half, or locking them in trunks and shoving swords through them!” The experiment was abruptly halted when a massive explosion wrecked the entire research centre. “The magnified power of three illusionists was impossible to contain,” says Tickler. “Of course, the government has launched a massive cover-up, alleging that all the disruption in Chatham was down to binge drinking.” Disturbingly, Tickler’s source has now disappeared. “He was last seen at a magic show,” says the reporter. “He was invited by the conjurer to assist with a vanishing trick and climbed into a cabinet – he hasn’t been seen since.”
Find out more about the ‘Ban the Mind Reader’ enigma at Ban the Mind Reader.