“The government is desperate to keep a lid on this – if it escapes into the public domain, the consequences could be catastrophic,” claims leading sexologist Dr Lars Cox in today’s Daily Norks. “We’re talking about the most powerful and addictive pornography ever seen!” According to Cox the British government has been engaged in a desperate battle to suppress a cache of ancient smut allegedly unearthed in an archaeological dig on a Mediterranean island. A battle which has seen all of Britain’s military and intelligence resources harnessed to try and locate and destroy the porn: MI6 agents have been despatched to every corner of the world, SAS teams sent to destroy sex shops and jazz mag publishers suspected of handling the material and RAF fighters put on constant alert to strike at printing works and adult film studios identified as being involved in reproducing the dangerous filth. “This stuff they’ve dug up is the most addictive smut ever known,” explained the sexologist. “Many who see it can’t drag themselves away from it, staring at it and masturbating for hours. Even those who can draw themselves away become obsessed with it – the memory of it fills their every waking moment, no other pornography can satisfy the sexual appetite it awakens in them. In fact, no regular sexual activity can match the power of the porn – these addicts are doomed to forsake regular intercourse in favour of powerful masturbatory fantasies involving what they’ve seen! IF this stuff gets into general circulation we could be facing an erotic apocalypse!”

Exactly what the pornography actually shows, Cox is unable to say. “The fact is that nobody who has seen it since its rediscovery has lived long enough to divulge its secrets,” he told the tabloid. “They’ve all gone mad and expired through excessive self abuse. If it can do that to a team of archaeologists, just imagine the threat it could pose if widely disseminated!” Indeed, the sexologist claims that the powerful pornography was responsible for the extinction of the civilisation which created it. “The island where they uncovered the stuff was once home to a thriving population,” he said. “But within a generation of the porn being created, it was completely uninhabited with nothing but ruins left behind!” The focus on masturbation invoked by exposure to the smut resulted in a catastrophic fall in the birth rate. “Nobody was conceiving children any more – pleasuring oneself to the pornography removed the need for any other form of sexual activity: nothing else was as stimulating,” Cox laments. “And nobody had the time or inclination to maintain the infrastructure of their society – its collapse was inevitable.” Consequently, the government has come to regard the ancient pornography as a threat to the very existence of the human race and have determined that it must be destroyed.

“The main part of the pornography – in the form of a series of huge stone friezes lining the walls of a derelict temple – have already been destroyed in an air strike,” Cox reassured readers of the Daily Norks. “Believe me, that’s the real reason that RAF Tornados have been deployed to bases in the Mediterranean – nothing to do with launching strikes against ISIS!” Unfortunately, however, a series of scrolls reproducing much of the content of the friezes are unaccounted for and the government is terrified that these could either fall into the hands of pornographers who could reproduce them in magazine format or, worse, be scanned onto a computer and released onto the internet.” It is the latter fear which has, the sexologist claims, been behind Prime Minister David Cameron’s attempts to crack down on internet pornography. “He genuinely fears for anyone who might innocently stumble across this stuff whilst surfing the web,” he explained. “Introducing mandatory web censorship is, in my opinion, a small price to pay if it stops people from wanking themselves to death at their computers and the subsequent collapse of civilisation as we know it.”

Other experts, whilst not denying the threat posed by the ancient pornography, feel that Cox has overstated its potency, doubting that it can cause the predicted erotic apocalypse. “The death dealing properties of this stuff have been greatly exaggerated,” declared Professor Dick Smalls, Chair of Classical Erotica at Littlehampton University during an interview on BBC Radio Sussex. “The fatalities among the archaeological team were caused by pre-existing cardiac problems, exacerbated by their collapsing with spontaneous multiple orgasms upon first seeing the friezes. I would emphasise that this accounted for only two elderly members f the expedition who had led very sheltered lives. The other members were far less severely affected – although they did form an addiction to the porn, which effectively incapacitated them. But it’s important to remember that they were exposed to the full force of the porn in undiluted form – lesser exposures would undoubtedly have less affect.” Smalls believes that the government is less worried about the possibility of a breakdown of civilisation as a result of the porn hitting the internet, than it is about the possible effects upon productivity. “Those exposed to it would, without doubt, lose their drive to do anything else other than masturbate and fantasize over the pornography,” opined the academic. “Absenteeism from work would inevitably soar and productivity decline – another economic downturn would be inevitable.”

Professor Smalls also believes that there might be link between ancient pornography and ISIS’ destruction of various historical sites in Iraq and Syria. “It could be that they are trying to destroy similar caches of erotica, which they fear could erode Islamic values,” he explained. “Then again, the destruction of these sites could be a ruse – they might have already found the ancient ‘jazz scrolls’ and plan to use them against us decadent infidels – destroying our civilisations by undermining our ability either to reproduce or perform economically.” Others suspect that the British government’s motivation for seeking out the ancient pornography is far from altruistic. “That bunch of toffs have heard about this incredibly hot smut and want it for themselves,” veteran Labour left-winger Roger Boner told the Morning Star . “They just want to accumulate it for their own consumption – that’s why they are desperate to keep it away from the web, where working class people could have equal access to it. It’s always the same.” The backbencher believes that Britain’s wealthy ruling elite have gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure that they can enjoy this ancient erotica whilst minimising its potentially harmful effects. “I’ve heard that they’ve developed special goggles which can filter the most harmful sexual urges from the stuff,” he claimed. “It allows them to experience the orgasmic pleasure without the addictive side effects. Typical rich bastards: all of the pleasure but none of the pain.”