“There was a whole row of us, stark naked, bound and bent over a large table, being mechanically and relentlessly buggered by an infernal device,” claims twenty two year old Hank Spork in this week’s Weekly World Shopper. “After eight hours a day, seven days a week of being subjected to such abuse, your backside has well and truly been trained to take it from behind without resistance!” Spork’s story is one of a series of articles being run by the US tabloid – available at supermarket checkouts throughout Delaware, both Carolinas and Wisconsin – exposing so-called ‘Perversion Therapy’. “We’ve heard a lot about these ‘conversion therapies’, whereby, the liberals claim, the aim is to convert homosexuals back to normality,” opines Deke Spiggot, publisher and Editor-in-Chief of the Weekly World Shopper. “But what about when it happens the other way, when innocent straight people are converted to homosexuality? Perversion therapy, as we call it.” According to Spiggot, ‘Perversion Therapy’ must, logically, exist. “It’s obvious – if ‘Conversion Therapy’ works and turns queers back into normal guys, then they must have been converted, or rather perverted, into homos in the first place,” he explains. “That’s what we aimed to find out through investigative journalism – who is doin’ it, why are the doin’ it and how are they doin’ it?”

The results of the tabloid’s investigations – run under titles such as ‘Liberal Perverts Made Me Love Gay Butt Sex’ – paint a harrowing picture of young men abducted from the streets and subjected to horrific and humiliating ordeals at the hands of fanatical sexual deviants. Spork’s testimony in the paper’s pages describes some of the techniques used to turn normal men into raving homosexuals. “Training our butt holes to receive male members was just the start of it,” he recalls. “In another session, you would find yourself confronted by a topless woman and a man naked from the waist down – if you tried to grope the bared breasts, you would find yourself on the receiving end of a cattle prod. If you fondled the testicles, you’d get a hit of morphine. All the time they’d be repeating the mantra: ‘Breasts is bad, balls are good’.” Other parts of the ‘training’ involved being taught how to ‘mince’ and the correct degree of limp wristedness to display. Most of the training, though, focused on learning to be repulsed by the sight of any female sexual organs. “If you so much as looked at a vagina with any hint of desire, you would get a beating,” says Spork, “Their ultimate aim was to condition a response of desire at the sight of a penis and revulsion at the sight of a pair of breasts. In the end, you had no choice but to give in and embrace homosexuality.”

But who is behind these shocking instances of ‘Perversion Therapy’ and what is their motivation. Spiggot has no doubt that much of it is the result of liberal social conformity gone mad. “It’s all down to them damned trendy middle aged liberals in places like New York, California an’ New England,” he says. “It has become fashionable to have gay off-spring, it helps establish your liberal credentials, shows how broad-minded an’ virtuous you are. So if your kids unreasonably want to grow up straight, what else can you do but have one of ‘em ‘converted’ to the other side?” Indeed, in an article entitled ‘We Were Shamed By Our Son’s Straightness – How Could We Claim To Be Truly Liberal Without a Gay Son? say Democrat Voting Vermont Couple’, Spiggot purports to have spoken to such a couple who confided that they were motivated by envy of a neighbour who had a gay son. “He was such a nice boy, the life and soul of every liberal fund-raiser, everyone admired how tolerant his parents were,” they allegedly told the Shopper. “So, what else could we do? After some discreet enquiries, we were put in touch with this ‘therapist’ who promised he could turn our youngest son gay inside a month. It wasn’t cheap, but it has been worth every penny as our boy is definitely gayer than our neighbour’s son – people never stop congratulating us on him!”

In addition to the desire for designer gay sons on the part of liberal parents, Spiggot suspects that a political agenda lies behind much ‘Perversion Therapy’. “It’s all down to this modern mania for minorities and so called equality,” he declares. “Nowadays we’ve got the Federal government tellin’ us how many homosexuals, transvestites an’ the like we have to employ. Thing is though, there ain’t enough of ‘em around, so they’ve had to start pervertin’ normal people so as to make up the quotas.” Spiggot firmly believes that these ‘qoutas’ originate with the shadowy ‘World Government’ which hides behind the United Nations (UN) and is facilitated in the US by the Democratic Party. A theory expounded in an article entitled ‘Bernie Sanders Wants Your Boys to Take it Up The Keister in World Government Equality Scam’. Perhaps the most bizarre theory advanced by Spiggot is that at least some of the forced homosexualisation of young American men is down to the activities of a homosexual cult, kidnapping young men off of the street and indoctrinating them to, quite literally, ‘worship the penis’. The Shopper was supported these claims with the publication on its website of some grainy video footage purporting to show semi-naked acolytes bowing down before huge stone effigies of cocks.

Not surprisingly, the tabloid’s series of articles on ‘Perversion Therapy’ have been roundly condemned, with many media commentators pointing out that its ‘investigative journalism’ consisted of placing an ad in its own pages asking ‘Are you gay against your will?’ accompanied by a toll free phone number. “This is clearly just right wing propaganda aimed at trying to neutralise reporting of the barbaric practices of the ‘Conversion Therapy’ brigade,” says Professor Herb Hencklemann of the Minnesota Institute of Sexual Diversity Studies. “Should we be surprised that these stories all equate homosexuality with perversion and liberal politics? It’s quite obvious what they are trying to do.” Hencklemann notes that the newspaper’s stories, like ‘Conversion Therapy’, are based upon the premise that homosexuality is a deviance, a learned behaviour or simply a ‘lifestyle choice’ rather than being something inherent in someone’s character. “So, following this ‘logic’, such behaviours and choices can be ‘corrected’ and the individual ‘sufferer’ brought back to the ‘norm’.,” he says. “In practice, this sort of ‘therapy’ probably mainly consists of beating gay people until they ‘recant’. That and subjecting them to aversion therapy: their genitals are wired up to the mains, shown gay porn and shocked every time they have a sexual response to it. Precisely the same sort of thing they are now trying to attribute to this fictional ‘Perversion Therapy’. A clear case of projection.” Spork, however, is adamant that his ordeal was real, not a fantasy. “I know what happened to me – I was violently turned from a strapping straight girl-loving guy into a cock hungry, limp wristed gay,” he says. “I’m now so ashamed of myself that I’ve signed up for ‘Conversion Therapy’ to have the queerness beaten out of me!”