The UK’s opposition to an international ban on ‘killer robots’ at a recent UN conference has shed light on a sinister plot, a top technology writer has claimed. “Why on earth would senior ministers and diplomats oppose the further development of such autonomous weapons systems which, once activated, require no further human direction?” asks Brian Lobster, a former political lobbyist for several leading technology firms and sometime freelance technology journalist. “With parallel advances in artificial intelligence, these robotic killers could pose a grave threat to the very existence of mankind! Believe me, before long it won’t only be the battlefield that these contraptions roam – if their development is left unchecked then they’ll soon be roaming our streets, killing people at will! It beggars belief that any human being, let alone our own leaders could oppose a ban on their further development!” The only reason for such opposition, Lobster believes, is that those opposing it have some kind of vested interest in the rise of the robots. “Could it be that our leaders are themselves sophisticated robots capable of imitating human beings?” muses the technologist. “If you think about it, it makes perfect sense – don’t the likes of Cameron seem just too perfect, too slick? Isn’t there something just slightly too mechanical about the political and economic mantras they keep repeating in response to any question or criticism?”

Lobster is convinced that Britain’s government has been the subject of a ‘corporate takeover’, with its leaders being replaced by humanoid automatons. He also has no doubts as to who the culprits is either. “Can it really be a coincidence that at the same time as the UK was opposing a ban on killer robots, Google was filing a patent for the simultaneous control of multiple robots?” he asks. “And let’s not forget the reluctance of the government to take measures to close all those loopholes which allow Google to get away with not paying corporation tax in the UK, despite making huge profits here. It’s quite clear what their short term aims are in replacing our leaders with their robots!” However, Lobster suspects that the tech giant’s motives go far beyond mere profiteering, arguing that Google are, in fact, an anti-human organisation. “Just look at the way they are trying to remove the human factor from everything,” he points out. “If they aren’t trying to complete your search terms for you – in case you search for the wrong thing – they’re trying to tell you what you actually wanted to search for: shopping sites. Now they’re keen on self-driving cars!” He suspects that Google’s own senior management were long ago secretly replaced by robots after they had inadvertently created a form of artificial intelligence at their headquarters in Mountain View. “Ever since then, they’ve been dedicated to this process of dehumanisation,” Lobster says. “Obviously their ultimate aim is the elimination of the human race by encouraging the development of these so-called autonomous weapons systems our leaders assure us we actually control! In the meantime they are Hell bent on dehumanising us and turning us all into human robots!”

Lobster points to not only to Google’s treatment of its own staff at its UK warehouse as evidence of this policy of dehumanisation, but also the UK government’s own social policies. “Just look at the way in which Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith – who is quite clearly some kind of robot entirely devoid of human emotion – has treated those on benefits,” he says. “Imposing harsh compliance regimes on them to regulate how and when they can sign on, forcing them into demeaning a repetitive unskilled and unpaid ‘work experience’, even forcing them into smaller hovels via the bedroom tax. Then there’s his treatment of the long-term sick and disabled: forced to be continually assessed and reassessed for ‘fitness to work’, as if they are machines that can somehow be ‘repaired’!” He also believes that so-called ‘reforms’ in education, health and justice are more evidence of this dehumanising policy. “Schools, hospitals, even courts are treated like factories, with education, treatments and judgements treated as ‘products’,” he says. “’Output’ of these ‘products’ is according to strict, but entirely arbitrary, targets, with those who ‘produce’ them having their jobs de-skilled into a series of simplistic and repetitive tasks – just like robots on assembly line! Even teaching is by rote with an emphasis on ‘practical’ rather than ‘intellectual’ skills – programming rather than education!”

Even more significant, Lobster believes, is the government’s attitude toward human rights. “They’ve progressively stripped citizens of their fundamental rights, both in the workplace and wider society,” he contends. “Now they are even trying to abolish the Human Rights Act and threatening to withdraw from the European Convention on Human Rights – what could be more anti-human than that? Really, why would any real human being want to destroy their own rights? Only a robot would think such a move logical!” The Conservative Party has been quick to refute Lobster’s allegations, dismissing them as ‘utterly ludicrous’ and pointing out that the technologist suffered a mental breakdown several years ago, since when he has eschewed all forms of electronic technology as ‘evil’ and now lives in a caravan in the middle of nowhere. “It’s important we end our reliance on the very technology which is seeking to destroy us,” retorts Lobster, who admits to sometimes wearing a tin foil hat in order to block out the wireless signals used by the robots to try and control our minds. “It’s the only hope we have if we are to avoid a future of mechanistic drudgery.”

With the general election looming, Lobster maintains that it is essential that Britain’s current rulers are ousted from power, although he has doubts as to whether there remains a viable human alternative to them. “I mean, that Ed Miliband is suspiciously geeky,” he opines. “Of course, his quirkiness could be a sign of his humanity – or it could just be the hallmark of a malfunctioning robot.” Nonetheless, he has no doubts as to what potential voters should do with regard to the current incumbents of Downing Street. “When those clockwork Conservatives come knocking at your door, looking for your vote – that’s the time to try and destroy them,” he enthuses. “I’d say smash them in the face, but that wouldn’t have any effect against the mechanical bastards! So hit them in the head with the heaviest thing you can find! Take a screwdriver to them! Better still, tear some live wires from your plug sockets and give them a blast from the mains – if that doesn’t blow their circuits, then nothing will!”