Britain’s porn industry last week heaved a collective sigh of relief, following the release of celebrated adult film performer Keith Nutsack (known professionally as Rod Walloper), who had been held hostage in Gaza by militant Palestinian porn producers for over three months. “It was a terrible ordeal,” Nutsack told the press. “I was forced to perform in numerous low-budget productions – frequently without proper stimulation or lubrication!” Nutsack was seized by the militants whilst he was in Gaza filming the controversial adult production West Bank Whack Off for Handjob Films. “It seems that they objected to the lead character – Yasser Crackafat – being played by a non-Arab,” explains a spokesperson for the production company. “I would like to reassure everyone that we didn’t give in to their demands and recast the part – when production resumes Keith will still be playing the lead. We’d like to emphasise that his casting was a purely artistic decision, not a political one. We simply could not find a performer of Arabic background who had the skills and experience to perform this difficult role.” Nutsack’s ordeal sparked global anger following the release of a video showing him, clearly exhausted, dressed in bondage gear and strapped to a rack. In the video he stated that if any attempt was made to rescue him, the militants would blow him off. It was clear that in his weakened state, even the mildest fellatio would have proven fatal. The adult performer was kidnapped by the terrorists as he left his hotel to travel to the shoot one morning. “I was taken roughly from behind – a sack was put over my head and I was bundled into the back of a car,” he says. “At first I though it might be part of the movie, an unscheduled bit of improvisation, or even an audition for another role. It was only when I found myself in a filthy basement, being forced to perform oral sex on three heavily bearded Hezbollah fighters without any mouthwash or a spittoon, whilst a masked man with a Kalashnikov slung over his shoulder filmed it all on his mobile phone, that I began to suspect the truth.”

Nutsack was finally rescued after a daring raid by Britain’s Special Air Service (SAS). Whilst few details of the operation have been released to the press, it is understood that half a dozen SAS troopers, clad only in gimp masks, boots and tool belts, crashed through the skylight of an impromptu film studio on the West Bank, freeing Nutsack and several other Western porn performers being held hostage there. “One of the hostages was strapped to an iron bedstead, and was being flagellated – presumably in an attempt to extract information – by a naked woman,” explained British Army spokesperson Major Peter Nubbins at a London press conference. “Two other hostages were found being beaten and trampled by another group of female militants, also naked, save for PVC underpants and black stiletto shoes.” According to the Major, the troopers were able to neutralise the female terrorists with specially silenced vibrators. “Obviously, the troopers had to blend in with their surroundings, so as not to arouse suspicion,” claimed Nubbins, when quizzed by the press about the special forces soldiers’ unusual combat attire . “The only hitch was when an insurgent wearing a strap on was able to resist the silenced vibrator. Although she nearly took the trooper involved from the rear, after a fierce bout of hand to hand combat, he was able to subdue her with a large dildo.” Sadly, the SAS raid was too late save one hostage, who was found dead in an adjoining room. “At first we though he had been suffocated – he was found tied up in a rubber suit, blindfolded and gagged in a black leather mask,” says Nubbins. “However, an autopsy showed that he had actually expired from heart failure – the result of strenuous physical activity, to which he was obviously unaccustomed, judging by his girth.” According to the Major, several videotapes and films chronicling the ordeals of the captives were seized at the scene by the SAS rescue party. “Many of these were in an advanced state of editing, complete with titles and soundtracks,” he informed the press conference. “It was clear that they were planning to flood the market with this filth, produced using slave labour. Thanks to the brave efforts of our men, we have been able to prevent their distribution.” The seized materials are apparently currently undergoing intense analysis in a dingy back room of a British Army barracks in Colchester.

Despite the fundamentalists’ original claims that the kidnapping of Nutsack was motivated by their opposition to the use of Western porn performers in locally shot productions, there has been much speculation that their real motivation was the desire to give their own adult movies a wider appeal in the non-Arab world. “No matter how innovative or technically accomplished their own productions were, there was no way they were going to get sales in Europe and the US using no-name local performers,” opines terrorism expert Jim Knadgers. “Obviously, they couldn’t afford to hire big-name foreign porn stars, so they kidnapped them instead.” Knadgers, a research fellow at London’s Institute for Alarmist Studies, believes that the overseas sales of porn movies is a major source of revenue for the militants, funding their fight against Israel. However, others suspect that the films were being made for propaganda purposes. “It is the British government’s belief that the films would eventually have been used to demonstrate the moral degeneracy of the West,” declared Major Nubbins, when asked about them at the press conference. “That’s obviously why the hostages were forced to participate in so many utterly perverse and filthy sexual practices.” Whilst the rescue has been touted as a success by the government, a spokesperson for Handjob Films has claimed that Nutsack could have been released much earlier if the authorities hadn’t blocked their attempts to negotiate with the Palestinian militants. “According to intermediaries, they were prepared to let him go if we agreed to distribute a number of the pornos he was forced to perform in, including Hamas Hand Job, Riyadh Rub Off and Gaza Gazonkas,” the spokesman said. “It all seemed pretty harmless, but the Foreign Office believed that the profits from any such deal would be used to fund terrorism.” In the event, the rescue couldn’t have come soon enough for Nutsack, who revealed that he had genuinely feared for his life. “I was so weak after weeks of being forced to perform at gunpoint, that I really thought I couldn’t get it up any more,” he says. “I knew that if I couldn’t salute the flag and sink the soldier on demand, I’d have out lived my usefulness to them.” Not all the hostages were as grateful to the SAS as Nutsack. When asked for his reaction to the rescue, veteran porn actor Dan Cheeser – who had been held by the Palestinian pornographers for over six months – would only say: “Bloody interfering bastards!” He later twice tried to escape from a military hospital and is currently under heavy sedation. Army medics fear he may have been brainwashed as part of his ordeal. “Why else would anyone want to return to that chamber of horrors?” Mused Major Nubbins.