A Colchester woman has told of how a divine visitation from the late Princess Diana miraculously transformed her life. “I was lying in bed next to my snoring, overweight and booze-addled husband, contemplating my dildo as my only likely form of sexual satisfaction, when the gnarled head of my sex aid suddenly transformed into the golden visage of the late Princess of Wales,” says thirty six year old Sally Hortus. “As I stared at her in astonishment, I heard Diana telling me that I was an intelligent and attractive woman who deserved true sexual fulfilment and that I should masturbate myself with her! As she entered me, I felt a warm glow course through my body, with my buttocks, breasts and abdomen all becoming firmer! The last thing I heard her saying was that I should go out and find a man worthy of me!” Over the next few weeks Sally enjoyed a vigourous and highly satisfying sex life with a series of younger men she picked up in bars, whilst her husband snored at home. “It has been magnificent! I’ve felt Diana guiding me all the way, protecting me from unsuitable partners and sexually transmitted diseases,” she enthuses.
Hortus isn’t the only adulterous woman to have reported Diana’s miraculous interventions from beyond the grave. Rachel Maw of Newport has told of how her husband was run off the road into a ditch one night by a speeding black Mercedes. “He swears that as it swept past him he saw Princess Diana giving him the finger from the back seat,” she recalls. “The amazing thing is, I wasn’t expecting him home that night and was having wild sex with a double-glazing salesman in the marital bed – if my husband had caught us, he’d have killed me! Luckily, he wasn’t able to get the car recovered until the next morning and ended up spending the night in a motel! I just thank God that Diana was looking over me that night – she definitely saved my life by delaying him like that!” Another woman has described how Diana’s apparition appeared to punish her husband for his adulterous behaviour. “Apparently every time he started banging his fancy piece on the side, Princess Diana would appear above the bed and start screaming ‘Adulterer!’ at him – resulting in his erection wilting immediately,” relates Frances Gully of Coventry. “He quickly became a gibbering wreck and confessed everything to me, begging my forgiveness and telling me I was free to take as many lovers as I liked, just so long as she stopped harassing him!”
Such miraculous manifestations have led to Church of England leaders controversially suggesting that Princess Diana be beatified. “If the Anglican church is to appear more relevant and appeal to today’s youth, we really have to break away from the staid traditional type of saints the Roman Catholics keep creating,” explains Bishop John Backland. “You know the sort – some obscure Italian priest or nun or either miraculously cured someone’s verukas or was horribly martyred! Well, Princess Di is clearly performing miracles – and wasn’t she effectively martyred by press intrusion?” In a move bound to trigger outrage amongst traditionalists, the Church is apparently proposing to make Diana the Patron Saint of Adulteresses. “I’m afraid we just have to move with the times. It is no good having patron saints of things like cake-making! No-one gives a toss about that sort of thing these days,” says the Bishop. “The fact is that adultery is one of the fastest growing activities in the UK, and by making her specific to adulteresses we are acknowledging the sexual empowerment of women in modern society. In the long run, this is the sort of thing that will get bums on pews!”
If the beatification of Diana proves successful, the Church of England has several other celebrity candidates for sainthood – most prominently former Beatle John Lennon. “Ok, so I know he dismissed organised religion and was a violent drug-addled crackpot, but he was martyred and he’d definitely appeal to the whacked out, peacenik, alternative lifestyle crowd – a demographic currently leaving the faith in droves,” comments Backland. Indeed, Lennon’s spirit does seem to have been carrying on his peace campaigning since his death, with miraculous interventions in several conflicts, most recently the invasion of Iraq. “We were pinned down by enemy fire just outside Basra, when suddenly we glimpsed this long-haired and bearded figure striding through the smoke and dust, seemingly impervious to the bullets flying all around it! At first we thought it was Christ himself come to save us, but as it got closer we recognised it as John Lennon – stark bollocking naked, just like on the Two Virgins album,” recalls former Royal Marine Tony Acher. “Both we and the Iraqis were so shocked we all stopped firing and dropped our weapons. In fact, they were so scared they fled straight into a minefield and were blown to bits! It was like the Angel of Mons in World War One, but with hairy knackers!” Other witnesses clamed that, before vanishing, the apparition of Lennon called upon them to “Give peace a chance boys”, then adding “do you think my cock is bigger than Jesus’, lads?”.
In addition to its peace work, Lennon’s spectre has also reportedly been busy on the home front, watching over some of Liverpool’s most socially deprived and needy citizens. “I was in a really bad way – desperate for a fix, but still sick because of some really bad gear I’d tried – when suddenly John Lennon appeared before me,” relates unemployed and homeless Barry Tarpit. “Before I knew it, he’d led me to a dealer who sold me some of the best quality crack I’d ever had! Lennon definitely saved my life!” As a consequence of this and several similar incidents, the Church of England is now considering making Lennon Patron Saint of Hallucinogenic Substances, a move which, predictably, has been greeted with condemnation in many corners. “If it wasn’t bad enough endorsing adultery, now these trendy liberals propose to sanctify drug taking,” opines Archdeacon Peter Rydim of the church’s evangelical wing. “Are these really the sort of people we want to attract into our congregation?”
Despite such opposition, Bishop Backland believes the creation of ‘relevant’ new saints is essential for the Anglican’s survival. “Look, we can’t afford to be too choosy about who we let in – druggies, recidivists, bigamists, buggerers, we need anybody who can fill a pew! We can accommodate them all – we’re a broad church, after all,” he argues. “Besides, shouldn’t we be looking amongst the sinners for converts, rather than just preaching to the converted?” Indeed, in an attempt to further broaden the C of E’s constituency, Backland is currently seeking a homosexual celebrity saint. “You’d think it would be easy,” he sighs. “But so far the closest to a miracle we’ve come is some bloke who claims his lumbago was cured after taking it up the bum from the ghost of Frankie Howerd!”