“For God’s sake, hasn’t he gone yet?” asks an exasperated Willy Lenin of beleaguered Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who is facing calls from his own MPs to resign in the wake of the ‘Partygate’ scandals. “What’s it going to take to get him out of Number Ten? Has he no shame? He’s taken the electorate for fools – partying while we were all following lockdown rules – then insulting Her Majesty, the Queen, by partying on the eve of her husband’s funeral!” Lenin’s impatience is motivated by his desire to set up a series of ‘War Crime’ trials for prominent right-wing UK politicians. “Look, they were the ones who likened the pandemic to a war, then proceeded to undermine the ‘war effort’ by failing to take action at the earliest opportunities or to provide the NHS with the right resources,” claims the thirty nine year old self-proclaimed international revolutionary from Stafford. “Then they started landing multi-million pound contacts for their mates to provide defective equipment – if those things don’t constitute treason and war-profiteering, then I don’t know what does! They need to pay the price.” Nonetheless, Lenin does confess that Johnson’s refusal to do the right thing and resign has its advantages as, in his opinion, it will increase the likelihood of the revolution he has been anticipating for his entire adult life.
“What we’ll need to do is hold a lottery. After the revolution, that is, when we can finally start holding these right-wing bastards to account,” explains Lenin, who comes from a long line of would be revolutionaries, his great grandfather having changed the family name to Lenin in honour of the Russian Revolution and in anticipation of a workers uprising in the UK. “Because, while we could simply put them all up against a wall and shoot them, I just don’t feel that would give us any real sense of satisfaction. Not with regard to the likes of Boris Johnson, at least.” Consequently, Lenin is proposing that, in the aftermath of the revolution he he believes is now imminent, a lottery should be held among every UK adult in order to select fifty or so people, all of whom will get the chance to kick the deposed Prime Minister up the backside. “Just the one kick, that’s all that each winner will be allowed, so they’ll have to make it a good one – if they want to take a run up, that’s OK, but it will still just be the one kick apiece,” he explains. “If they like, they could imagine they were taking a penalty kick for England, which will win the World Cup if it goes in. But one should be all you need, if you put all of the hate you feel for the morally degenerate, utterly corrupt, contemptuous hypocrite. Obviously, we’ll need at least fifty kickers to ensure that he feels any of it through those fat wobbling buttocks of his.”
Lenin admits that he has spent a long time thinking about how best to deal with who he describes as an ‘unspeakable slob’ when the nation finally has a chance at retribution. “I considered that perhaps we should draw lots to see who should hit him in the face with a shovel, or smack him around the back of the head with a plank, but the kicking up the arse just seemed the most fitting way to deal with someone who is, well, such an arse,” he muses. “Of course, we’d have to make a ceremony of it – put Boris in stocks in the middle of Whitehall and have it televised live as the chosen kickers make their run up. As he’ll have his back to them and will be unable to look round because of the stocks, he won’t know when each kick is going to land.” But Johnson wouldn’t be the only ‘war criminal’ that would have to deal with post-revolution. “Personally, while Johnson is taking his kicking, Live on TV, I’d like to see a few of them swinging from lampposts in the background,” opines the putative revolutionary. “I mean, that Michael Gove, he fancies himself a bit of a disco diva, so let’s see what kind of merry little jig he dances at the end of a rope. Then there’s ‘true blue’ Jacob Rees Mogg – let’s see just how blue he can go as the noose tightens around his neck.”
Those currently in government, however, wouldn’t be the only right-wingers who would need yo be held to account, according to Lenin. “Let’s not forget that smug bastard David Cameron and his part in austerity and Brexit,” he enthuses. “Again, we’d need to draw lots or hold a lottery to chose thirty or so people and give them each a baseball bat, then make Cameron run a gauntlet of them – each of them would be allowed one good swing at the arsehole.” Lenin imagines that a lot of right wing politicians might, in the event of a popular revolution, try to flee the country in disguise, much as the top Nazis tried to do so at the end of the second world war. “Nigel Farage, for sure, will be caught at Dover, wearing a false moustache and waving his German passport, claiming to be Kurt Crutchwarmer or some such,” he speculates. “In his case, we should just put him up against a wall for summary execution – it is what he’d want, as he doesn’t seem to believe in any of that human rights nonsense and thinks the courts are undemocratic. At the last minute, he should be told that the firing squad have run out of bullets, so they’ll have to fix bayonets, instead. Either that, or he could be cast adrift on a tiny rubber boat in the middle of the Atlantic.”
Critics of the revolutionary have been critical of his plans, pointing out that while they are strong on the punishment angle, they mention little, if anything, of the actual judicial mechanisms to be used to determine the innocence or guilt of these so-called ‘war criminals’. “Is he proposing some sort of Nuremburg-style trials, with defence counsels provided for the accused?” asks Daily Excess legal editor Quentin Smythe. “Unless, justice is seen to be done and these individuals fairly tried, then these so-called punishments would be nothing more than mob rule – a crude retribution by fanatics whipped into a frenzy by left-wing demagogues!” Lenin has little time for such arguments. “They can hardly expect anything more than perfunctory justice, bearing in mid how they’ve run down and rigged the justice system themselves,” he contends. “I mean, they have nothing but contempt for the courts, so they shouldn’t expect anything less in return.”
