Scores of holiday makers, including a party of schoolchildren, were being treated for shock last night after witnessing perhaps the most brutal terrorist attack yet seen on the British mainland, during which several of the country’s most treasured cultural icons were severely damaged. “It was appalling, women were crying and children shrieking in terror as the bastards destroyed Tower Bridge and blew up Buckingham Palace! I just couldn’t believe it,” says Ron Dink, owner and manager of Dink’s Little England Experience, a Somerset amusement park which boasts accurate scale models of some of the UK’s most famous buildings and monuments. “There were charred and burnt miniature figurines of the Royal Family scattered all through the debris – luckily Her Majesty survived with only a slightly melted sceptre, but poor Prince Philip lost both his legs! Seeing something like that could traumatise those kiddies for life! I’m just amazed that no one was hurt!” The three young male terrorists – described by Dink as being swarthy and of Middle Eastern appearance – arrived at the park at approximately midday, paying the entrance fee like normal visitors. However, within minutes of arriving they had launched their assault – taking out Tower Bridge with what appeared to be a home-made rocket launcher consisting of a length of drainpipe and a firework rocket, before turning their attention to Big Ben. “I saw one of them set light to what appeared to be a plastic model airliner before hurling it into the clock tower – it exploded upon impact,” recalls an eyewitness. “I was shocked to see them laughing, dancing and jabbering in their heathen tongue as one of the most potent symbols of our proud democracy burned!”
Pausing only to urinate on the dome of St Paul’s Cathedral, the three terrorists fled, making a speedy exit in a rusty Austin Montego. However, the horror wasn’t yet over – as Dink and his staff struggled to control the blazing buildings and evacuate the park, an explosion tore through Buckingham Palace. “It seems the bastards had parked a miniature car bomb outside the gates – we later found the charred remains of a Dinky Toys Ford Consul in the wreckage,” says Dink. “I’d certainly never place such a downmarket model vehicle anywhere near a Royal palace!” Dink believes that it could cost thousands to repair the damage, and fears that he may be forced to close permanently. “There’s no way the insurance is going to pay out – my policy doesn’t cover terrorist attacks,” he laments. “It was bad enough trying to get them to pay up during the foot and mouth crisis, when eco-terrorists shot all the plastic cows in the model farm with an air pistol, piled them up, doused them in petrol and set fire to them!”
Dink denies that he may have provoked the attack himself, rejecting suggestions that the ‘terrorists’ were actually Iraqi students from nearby Bath or Bristol, enraged at the recent unveiling of the park’s latest attraction – a highly detailed scale model of Baghdad featuring colourful explosions as Saddam’s palaces are attacked by miniature US cruise missiles. “They were definitely terrorists hell-bent on destroying the symbols of British freedom – students would just have got drunk, puked up all over the place and written smart-arsed graffiti in the toilets,” he rages. The authorities seem to agree with him. “There is no doubt that the fireworks used were of a type illegally imported from China – a country which opposed the war in Iraq,” a spokesman for Somerset and Avon police told the press. “Not only that, but the model plane used in the attack on Big Ben is believed to have been a Boeing 767 in United Airlines colours – a clear reference to September 11, indicating that this group is linked to Al-Qaida!”
This is not the first such attack in the area, only a few weeks earlier a group of young men described by witnesses as “Arabic looking” had terrorised children at the nearby seaside resort of Weston-Super-Mare, running amok on the beach kicking over sandcastles. “They particularly seemed to be targeting the ones flying those little Union Jacks. Of course, the kiddies were all in tears, but the Arab lads ran off when the bloke doing the donkey rides came over and threatened to thump them,” recalls a witness. Security experts are now speculating that these attacks could be the first salvoes in a major new bombing campaign against the UK by Islamic terrorists intent on avenging the defeat of Saddam Hussein. “There is no doubt in my mind that they are deliberately focusing on Britain’s tourist industry with these latest outrages,” says Professor Paul Fumbler. “Not only will tourists be deterred from visiting these types of attractions – which could prove disastrous for the local economy – but insurers will refuse to give cover to them, resulting in the closure of miniature towns and villages up and down the country. This would effectively be a symbolic victory over ‘Little England’!” Consequently, security has been increased at Britain’s model towns and villages – although the authorities deny that this has so far consisted of deploying model tanks and toy soldiers around their perimeters.
However, others believe that these so-called ‘terrorist attacks’ are further evidence that the intelligence services are deliberately over stating the threat posed to the UK by Islamic terrorists in an attempt to provide the government with justification for the invasion of Iraq. “Quite frankly, if the best they can do is frighten a few kids and kick over some toy buildings, then I reckon Al Qaida must pretty much be a spent force! These attacks are clearly simply the work of vandals,” opines Andy Dummock, a left wing Labour MP and fierce critic of the government. “This isn’t the first time we’ve had the authorities exaggerating the importance of supposed terrorist incidents for political purposes – only last month half of Birmingham was evacuated after the local police claimed that Iraq’s missing weapons of mass destruction had been handed into a West Midlands police station during the recent gun amnesty! In the event the alleged outlawed weapons cache turned out to consist of some firecrackers and rockets and a water pistol!”
West Midlands police have been quick to defend their actions in calling in US weapons inspectors. “CCTV camera pictures clearly showed the box containing the suspect weapons being handed into the station by an Arabic looking man with a dodgy moustache,” explained Assistant Chief Constable Tom Handle. “Not only that, but the so-called ‘water pistol’ was found to contain urine, not water, making it a potential chemical weapon – and those fireworks were illegal and were designed to deliver biological warheads – two of the rockets had been smeared with dog shit!”