“Princess Diana has enjoyed a far more active and varied sex life since her tragic demise than she ever had when she was alive,” says Horatio Dunpole, who claims to have been the Princess of Wales’ personal medium for several years before her death, and alleges that he has been in constant contact with her spirit ever since. “You might say that she’s having the time of her death!” Notorious digital TV station Channel Six is preparing to air a series of recordings of seances in which the Princess speaks to Dunpole from beyond the grave, telling him of a series of affairs with the likes of Errol Flynn, John Lennon and Chairman Mao. “At first she just communicates via a Ouija board, spelling stuff out with a glass,” explains Channel Six Programme Director Marcus Choker, who commissioned the show, entitled Never Say Di. “Then she starts speaking through Horatio, her distinctive voice issuing from his lips. But later, with the aid of Horatio’s spirit guide, she begins to actually vocalise her communications. I’ll tell you, hearing her ethereal voice coming from thin air made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.” Some critics have questioned the veracity of the recordings, pointing out that, during the Ouija board sequences, Diana’s spelling seems very poor, whilst her supposed spirit voice seems to have a distinct West Midlands accent.
“We all know that Diana was no great shakes academically when she was alive, so it should be no surprise that her spelling has become worse after the trauma of passing over to the other side,” explains Choker. “As for the accent, don’t forget that she is speaking through Horatio’s spirit guide, San jay, who, during his life, was an electrician in Birmingham.” A large part of the recordings are taken up with Diana telling of her passionate affair with Hollywood movie star Errol Flynn, who died in 1959. “He was definitely the love of her after life,” says Dunpole. “There’s no doubt that she was swept away by his charm, wit and enormous ectoplasmic penis.” These post-mortem assignations with Flynn apparently enraged the Queen Mother when she heard about them, as she had enjoyed an infamous affair with the prodigiously endowed Tasmanian swashbuckler herself. “Thanks to Flynn’s legendarily lengthy manhood, they were able to make love as no couple had made love before: in separate rooms,” says Dunpole. “At least, that was the story, but remember, it was the early fifties when they got together, when Flynn was well past his prime and all that booze and high living had taken their toll on his ability to perform.”
To make things worse, the ghostly Princess allegedly returned from beyond in order to taunt the Queen Mother about her affair with Errol Flynn. “Her phantom form would regularly appear to the Queen Mother in dead of night, materialising in her bedroom to terrorise her with tales of sex beyond the grave,” chuckles Dunpole. “Of course, nobody ever believed the Queen Mother when she told them about the haunting – I mean, she was approaching a hundred at the time and they all thought she was going ga-ga!” Although the Queen Mother threatened to pursue Princess Diana beyond the grave in order to try and gain retribution for her posthumous affair with Errol Flynn, Dunpole reveals that this proved impossible, as the Queen Mother had gone to the ‘other place’ after her death.
Dunpole is at pains to explain that Diana and Flynn’s relationship wasn’t sexual in the mortal understanding of the term. “Obviously, in the next world, the physical body ceases to exist, so the equivalent of sex there is purely spiritual, not physical,” he says. “Despite the lack of physicality, the experience is said to be far more exhilarating, as one spirit can quite literally penetrate another totally, the two souls mingling with each other and bringing about a total union. No wonder the Queen Mother was envious of Diana’s spiritual couplings with Flynn – they would have been far better than anything she was able to experience with him!” The revelations have been condemned by those close to the late Princess. “These tapes should never have been released – it’s a gross invasion of her privacy,” declares her former hair dresser’s assistant, Judy Wook. “Just because some is dead doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be entitled to privacy about their after life. Besides, just imagine the trauma it must be causing her family: all that grieving for her, when in reality she was living it up, so to speak, in the spirit world!”
Dunpole’s claims have been hotly disputed, not least by top Royal writer Hugh Ropley-Tossington, who has claimed that the so called ‘medium’ is a fraud and a con man. “There’s no doubt that he is the same person who, ten years ago, tried to hawk some alleged sex tapes involving Princess Diana around the tabloids,” he told The Sleaze. “Of course, they turned out to be some crudely shot home porn videos featuring a woman who vaguely resembled the Princess. They had clearly been filmed in a grotty council flat rather than Kensington Palace, as claimed – I’m pretty sure that Royal palaces don’t have mould growing on the net curtains and water stains on the ceiling. Back then he was claiming to have once been a footman in Charles and Diana’s household. All absolute balderdash, obviously!” A further refutation of the claims has come from forty two year old Lincoln bricklayer Adam Bouffant. “I can quite categorically say that Diana never had an affair with Errol Flynn or anyone else in the spirit world,” he told the Daily Norks. “I know, because she told me herself only last week.” Bouffant has told the tabloid that he has been in a relationship with the ghost of Princess Diana since her death, a situation which came to light when his wife named the late Princess as a co-respondent in divorce proceedings. For his part, the bricklayer claims that the relationship doesn’t constitute adultery as the Princess has no corporeal form and therefore cannot have any kind of physical relationship with him.