“These bastards don’t look like children to me!” bellowed Jacob Jacksy, Tory MP for Regent’s Park South, as the first child refugees from the so-called ‘Jungle’ refugee camp in Calais, arrived in Britain. “Just look at them – half of them are over six feet tall and some of them have receding hairlines! It is quite obvious that our hospitality is being abused by asylum seekers and possibly even Jihadist fanatics trying to sneak into the UK disguised as children!” The right winger claims that two thirty-plus impostors have already been discovered by UK Border Force officials amongst the latest batch of children arriving from the ‘Jungle’. “They were wearing school uniform, had their pubes shaved off were and walking on their knees – these people are so bloody blatant! They are simply playing on the sympathies of bleeding heart liberals and celebrities to simply walk -or shuffle in this case – into the country,” he fumed. “Don’t misunderstand me, I have nothing against genuine child refugees coming here – in fact, I welcome them with open arms! But I just don’t have any use for these adult refugees – they’re simply no good at all! What are we supposed to do with them?” Jacksy’s complaints have been echoed by a prominent former colleague on the right of the party. “I was very disappointed when I watched the news footage and saw that many of these supposed ‘children’ were actually strapping lads with beards,” former Tory MP Roger Hump opined from his cell in the high security wing of Strangeways Prison, where he is currently serving a fifteen year sentence for child sex offences. “I mean, I’m sure there’s a market for them out there – probably around King’s Cross – but they simply aren’t any use to myself or any of my like-minded colleagues.  ”

Hump is firmly of the belief that the government needs to crack down on this kind of deception. “Look, we believe that Britain should save the children so that they can be adopted by child lovers like ourselves – but that means ensuring that they really are children.  So, if they say that these refugees are children, then they have to be under the age of eighteen, preferably under fourteen, otherwise they need to be sent packing,” he says. “The security implications are horrendous – I mean, some innocent peadophile could find themselves faced with some kind of crazed ISIS jihadi, rather than the under age boy he thought he was about to fondle!” Indeed, the incarcerated nonce cites several cases where British deviants have found themselves placed at risk by the presence of adult fanatics who entered the UK disguised as child refugees. “Last November a British peadophile was stabbed and seriously injured by a supposed Afghan ‘child’ he tried to pick up near Charing Cross – thankfully a crowd of passing English Defence League members came to his aid and gave the ‘child’, actually a twenty two year old man, a bloody good kicking,” he says. “That’s what those damned liberals and bed wetters don’t grasp – the average English bigot reviles illegal immigrant scum more than good honest British peados! Sadly, that chap who was strangled with his own phone cord by a thirty-something Libyan ‘child’ in his home in Streatham earlier this year wasn’t so lucky – and we could see a lot more British peados being slaughtered by these terrorist bastards disguised as children if the government doesn’t take action now!”

Henry Polk, a former Tory councillor and organiser of the notorious Peadophile Information Exchange (PIE) – an organisation which campaigned for the legalisation of sex between adults and under age children before it was banned – points out that there is nothing new in the current situation. “It was the same last year, when two thirds of the little bastards turned out to be overage,” he says. “It’s all very disappointing – they keep promising us new blood, but all we get are potential rent-boys for the bloody homos! It isn’t as if that lot are short of those in the first place, is it?” Polk, who is currently out of prison on licence from a ten year sentence for possession of child pornography, claims that an influx of new children is essential for Britain’s child molesting community. “Ever since they started kicking up such a bloody fuss about the odd kid getting fiddled with, it’s been getting harder and harder for us to get our hands on the domestic ‘product’.” he complains. “Personally, I blame that bloody Jimmy Savile – he’s the one who started this deplorable modern-style of molesting on an industrial scale. If everyone had stuck to the old school style of a bit of inappropriate touching at fairgrounds and the odd hand job for the price an ice cream, nobody would care and there certainly wouldn’t be this fuss kicked up every time a kid gets fiddled.”

Consequently, Polk and his ilk were looking forward to the arrival of groups of stateless, unattached non-English speaking foreign children, whose disappearance into the seamy underbelly of British under age sex offending would neither be noticed nor cared about. “It was bad enough that they were allowing so few of these kiddies into the country in the first place – then most of them turn out to be above the age of consent! If we don’t start getting some new blood in soon, the whole British peadophile scene could be under threat,” he warns, “PIE warned about this before we were shut down: the UK could lose its status as one of the world’s leading purveyors of child sexual abuse, as our peados are forced to turn to other forms of perversion, like bestiality or necrophilia, instead.”

Jacob Jacksy has promised to push the Home Office to introduce effective new methods of ascertaining the true ages of any unaccompanied refugee children it allows into the UK in the future. “There’s been a lot of talk about dental checks, I know. But surely it’s only horses whose age you can tell from their teeth?” says the MP who, whilst named by a tabloid in connection with an alleged high-level peadophile ring, was never charged. “I’m pretty sure that young men there’s something involving cupping their testicles in your hand and getting them to cough which can reveal their real age – so they should be getting the buggers to drop their trousers on arrival in the UK. I know that some of those immigration types won’t be keen on handling young men’s balls – even if it is in defence of the realm – but I’m quite prepared to make the sacrifice myself and go down to Dover to do the job personally.” Critics have pointed out, however, that this still wouldn’t help establish the age of any female children being allowed into the UK as unaccompanied refugees. “Oh, for God’s sake, who cares about them?” demands Jacksy. “But if anyone is that worried, my honourable colleague and fellow back bencher Horace Ringwolt has said that he’s perfectly willing to go down there and squeeze their knockers – he swears he can accurately tell a woman’s age by the firmness of her norks.”