Is the Tory Party under Boris Johnson actually a death cult? That’s the view of political commentator Bruce Harestein, who contends not only that it is a death cult, but that its followers are being lead into oblivion by a false Messiah. “The obsession with Brexit (which sounds a lot like ‘Exit’, the pro-euthanasia pressure group) and repeated slogans like ‘Get Brexit Done’ (which sounds like the sort of thing you get people to chant as part of brainwashing sessions), are surely clues to the true nature of the party under Johnson,” he contended during a recent appearance on ITV’s <b>Peston</b> programme. “All the while their leader, Johnson, is feted by the faithful as the Messiah who will lead them to the promised land, despite the fact that he appears a shambling buffoon to every one else, spewing out a stream of gibberish punctuated by a few ‘keywords’ designed to appeal to his followers’ prejudices: ‘Muslim women, letter boxes’, ‘Watermelon smiles/, ‘bum boys’ – that sort of thing.” According to the political analyst, who has written for such publications as <b>Big Babes</b>, <b>Hot Thighs</b> and <b>Sexy, Sweaty Mothers</b>, the aim of the Tory Party is clear: to convince the UK to kill itself.

“Their election campaign seems geared to convincing people that going through with the hardest Brexit possible will somehow be good for them, even though the opposite is true – it is like encouraging disturbed and vulnerable teenagers to self harm,” he told an astonished Robert Peston. “But that’s the thing, for a long time now the Tory Party has been about convincing people to vote against their own best interests. How else to explain the re-election of Cameron – with a majority – after five years of economic austerity which left the majority of those voting for the Tories worse off?” But under the false Messiah that is Boris Johnson, it has become much worse, Harestein argues. “He spends all his time mumbling barely coherent answers in the few interviews he gives, while spinning the electorate promises of some kind of post-Brexit heaven,” he opines. “All based upon patent lies, with the ultimate aim of getting himself a big enough majority to push through a hard Brexit which will kill the British economy stone dead.”

While Harestein’s claims that the Tory Party has been transformed into a front for a political death cult, political parties that aren’t actually political parties but rather vehicles for charlatans isn’t without precedent. “Just take Nigel Farage’s current political vehicle, the Brexit Party,” says Archie Copybara, Professor of Political Chicanery at the East Hampstead Institute of Brick Laying. “Except that ‘Party’ isn’t really an accurate description of it – it is more like a pyramid scheme with Farage at the pinnacle.” Copybara points out that while just about all political parties charge fees to join and continue to levy subscriptions from their members, in return for this contribution members get some access to the policy making process: the opportunity to attend conferences, vote on policy proposals and in leadership elections. “In the Brexit Party, however, your entry fee gives you no such privileges,” says the academic. “This ‘party’ is run more like a business, with Farage as chief executive, making all the decisions. Such as how much he pays himself.”

Even more bizarrely, Copybara points out, if you want to be a parliamentary candidate for the Brexit ‘Party’, then you have to pay them a fee. A non-refundable fee, as it turns out. “As you might recall, Farage recently made the unilateral decision not to oppose sitting Tory MPs at the forthcoming election, effectively withdrawing the his own party’s candidates in those constituencies,” he says. “Now, you might think that, under such circumstances, the right thing to do would be to refund the stood down candidates their money. But no. Farage refused point blank to do so.” All of which, for Copybara, simply reinforces his view that Farage is a charlatan. “The fact is that some self-styled political leaders are, to me, such obvious charlatans, that I’m always left wondering why it is that so many people are apparently so easily taken in by them,” he muses. “Farage has to be one of the most blatant. Leaving aside the fact that he is currently running a pyramid scheme in the guise of a political party, just look at all the patent bollocks he peddles about being ‘one of us’ and standing against the ‘elites’. I mean, this from a privately educated former banker, for God’s sake!”

But if the Brexit Party is a pyramid scheme fronted by a charlatan, is the Tory Party <i>really</i> a death cult headed by a false messiah? Just what does Boris Johnson hope to gain by killing the UK through hard Brexit? “Who knows what any of these cranks who run these cults think they are going to achieve?” asks Harestein. “What was the Reverend Jim Jones thinking when he got his followers to drink the Kool Aid? Perhaps Johnson believes that the only way we can reach this ‘capitalist heaven’ he keeps on about is through some transcendental death experience.” Most likely though, Harestein speculates, it is all about power. “It is pretty clear that power is all that he has ever really cared about,” says the analyst. “He has always seen being Prime Minister as his destiny, his right, the key to ultimate power – and what greater power is there than life and death?” In fact, Harestein suspects that it isn’t just the UK economy that Johnson’s death cult is aiming to kill. “The clue is in the timing of this election: just before Christmas. Why was Boris so keen on a December date? Could it be that the bastards aren’t just planning to kill the economy with Brexit, but the entire population?” he muses. “They get back in power, promise us milk, honey and Brexit, let us enjoy Christmas, then – POW! They get us to drink the Kool Aid laced with poison. Or maybe they are planning to poison our Christmas turkeys. Who knows with these death cultist Tory bastards?”