The Secret Intelligence Service (SIS) has refused to comment on reports that a man in drag arrested in Soho last night, following an affray in a notorious sex club, is an agent from their notorious Double-O section. Sources within the intelligence agency also dismissed as ‘pure speculation’ claims that there was any connection between the arrest of the alleged agent and the mysterious death of MI6 analyst William Gareth, whose body was found locked inside a sports bag in his bath. However, former Security Service operative David Shyster has told The Sleaze that the Soho arrest was the culmination of a botched secret mission to cover up the real circumstances of Gareth’s death. “The truth is that the dead agent was actually the gay lover of M, head of MI6,” claims the ex-MI5 man, now a self-styled ‘security consultant’ for various media outlets, who claims still to have contacts in the intelligence community. “Why else did they have a Double-O agent – who is licensed to kill – trawling through Soho’s gay S&M scene? I have it on good authority that his orders were to find Gareth’s killer – who was in possession of certain compromising photographs taken from his flat – and eliminate him. There was no way they could risk those pictures falling into the wrong hands – the potential for blackmail or simply embarrassing the service was too high. That’s why they sent their top man to Soho: James Bond, 007!”

According to the former intelligence man, Gareth’s involvement with the head of MI6 has its origins in his work at the government listening centre GCHQ in Cheltenham. “Before he moved to the SIS in London, he was an analyst in Cheltenham – that’s where his analysis of encoded signals traffic and phone intercepts resulted in him uncovering an underground international network of sexual deviants, with M at it’s centre,” Shyster says. “Hundreds of operatives from secret intelligence agencies across the globe were exploiting their access to secret ‘interrogation’ centres and covert video surveillance to satisfy their darkest desires and hook up with each other – they were into everything: cross dressing, S&M, extreme torture, the lot!” However, instead of exposing the bizarre secret sex ring, Gareth determined to join it. “He used what he’d found to engineer a secondment to MI6 headquarters at Vauxhall Cross,” Shyster claims. “That’s where he found that he and M shared a proclivity for gay bondage. It’s no surprise that M, a former Royal Navy Admiral, likes nothing better than being tied to a bed and dominated by a man in drag during a mock interrogation!”

Witnesses to the incident which led to the arrest of the alleged secret agent have described how he punched out another customer at the Throbbing Cock club, sparking a mass brawl that wrecked the premises. “He was a big bugger, well over six feet in his high heels, wearing a blonde wig, a red off the shoulder number and was made up like a tart – you couldn’t miss him. If he was meant to be undercover he wasn’t doing a very good job,” recalls club-goer Hugh Grapple. “He was sat at this table in the corner, apparently involved in a heated discussion with this swarthy-looking bloke. I’m pretty sure something exchanged hands under the table, then the bloke in drag leapt up and punched out the other guy! That’s when all Hell broke loose!” Whilst Shyster has speculated that what Grapple witnessed was an attempted exchange of the incriminating photographs which went badly wrong when the Double-O agent realised that he’d been double-crossed, other eye-witnesses disagree with Grapple’s account. “From where I was standing it was quite clear that the swarthy geezer had tried to grope the other guy’s breasts – I’m not sure he realised it was a bloke he was feeling up,” says Don Whipple, a regular at the club. “That’s when the punches started flying. The swarthy bloke’s mates went for the guy in drag, so he threw the table at them! They crashed into a bunch of lesbians and it all got out of hand – that’s when the guy in drag legged it!”

The manner of the alleged agent’s exit is also the source of controversy, with some witnesses claiming that he utilised various gadgets which could only have been supplied by MI6’s ‘Q branch’. “He couldn’t get out the front way – someone had called the rozzers and they were pouring in through there,” claims Grapple. “Next thing I knew, he’d ripped down the top of his dress to expose his ‘breasts’, pointed them at the bar and fired what looked like rockets from the nipples, blowing a hole in the wall! He leaped over the bar and vanished through the gaping hole! A bloke who was in back of the bar said that the bloke then made his escape to the street through the locked staff entrance – apparently he blew it open using what looked like a dildo, but was actually a shaped plastic explosive charge!” Once again, fellow clubber Whipple disagrees, claiming that there were no explosions: the escaping transvestite actually threw a bar stool across the bar, before disappearing through a fire escape. Further doubt has been cast on the supposed agent’s identity by accounts of his activity prior to the nightclub incident. “The way I heard it, he spent the afternoon in an upstairs room at the local gay bar, chained to a bed being flogged and beaten by a bloke in leather underpants,” opines Soho resident Derek Wormser. “You could hear him moaning and shouting for more all down the bloody street! What kind of secret agent would do that?” Naturally, Shyster has a different interpretation of these events. “It’s quite obvious he’d been captured by the evil mastermind behind this blackmail scheme and tortured – it’s an essential part of every Double-O mission,” he says. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the bastards hadn’t planned to kill him with an extreme bondage session, then zip his body into a locked sports bag, then leave it in the bath of a central London flat, so as to make his demise look like a kinky sex game gone wrong! Thankfully, 007 was able to escape this fate using, as I heard it, an exploding butt plug!”

Shyster’s theories have been widely derided by other intelligence experts, who point out that he was dismissed from the Security Service following allegations about his mismanagement of the office tea fund. “Shyster’s a complete fantasist! He was only a filing clerk in the pensions section, for God’s sake. He didn’t have access to any classified intelligence data,” sighs Bill Tribbshaw, security correspondent for the Sunday Bystander. “But just like everyone else who ever had a job remotely connected to intelligence work, he’s set himself up as some kind of consultant and exploits the way the media are mesmerised by anyone claiming to be an ex-spook.” Despite such opinions, the family of the dead analyst believe that Shyster’s claims might have some credence. “These stories that our son was some kind of transvestite bondage freak who died in a sex game gone wrong are absolutely ludicrous,” Gareth’s grieving mother told a press conference. “There’s absolutely no evidence to suggest that he had any interest in bizarre sexual practices – it’s clear that his death must have somehow been linked to his work as an intelligence analyst. He must have been assassinated because of something he’d uncovered.” The recent inquest into William Gareth’s death heard that several thousands of pounds worth of women’s clothing, including lingerie, was found by police in his flat, and that his former landlady had once found him tied to his bed.