Does pornography pose an existential threat to the US? That is certainly the view taken by some influential supporters of Donald Trump’s latest presidential campaign. “Damn it, real Americans are in danger of becoming extinct within a couple of generations – and you know why? Because of the ready availability of pornography to young Americans,” declared the Reverend Al Stoker of the American Church of Deliverance and Redemption, a Tennessee based Christian fundamentalist congregation which has been heavily backing Trump for President. “Because of their ability to get their hands on this stuff – through the internet, on TV, even on news stands – our young people are obsessively engaging in the sin of onanism. That’s right – they spend all day jacking off over this filth, wasting their fluids and sexual energies on this entirely unproductive activity! Is it any wonder that birth rates amongst real Americans are declining?” Stoker and his church are urging the Trump campaign to embrace their calls for radical action to restrict the availability of pornography in the USA. “We’re not just talking about hardcore, here. We’re not just talking about the kinky stuff. Oh no, we want it all stopped,” he told a fringe meeting at the recent Republican National Convention. “I know that people say that stuff like lingerie adverts, say, are perfectly harmless as they don’t actually show anything, but believe me, anything that might encourage just one young man to spill his semen on his fist instead of inside a woman might as well be encouraging abortion!”
While these pronouncement’s might seem like the typically deranged ramblings of a religious crank, it is Stoker’s definition of what constitutes ‘real’ Americans, however, which is stirring controversy. “All true Americans are descended from those original Pilgrim Fathers – only they are pure blooded citizens of this great land,” he recently told his congregation back in Fuckle County, Tennessee. “That said, over the years we’ve accepted the Germans, the Scandinavians, even the Irish, as they come from the same gene pool. At a pinch, we’re even prepared to accept the Greeks and even the Italians, but nowadays we’re in danger of being taken over by these ‘other Americans’ that our Satanically inspired legislators – like Lincoln and Roosevelt – have seen fit to make US citizens over the years.” Indeed, according to the clergyman, it is the presence of these ‘other Americans’ which are making the threat posed to ‘real’ Americans by rampant pornography so pressing.
“Believe me, these people are outbreeding us – while our young people are knocking it out over their tablets, phones and laptops, these ‘other Americans’ are busy fertilising each other and popping out babies left, right and centre,” he asserted to his congregation. “Pretty damn soon, they’re going to overtake us – we’ll be the minority and, despite their obvious inferiority, they’ll have the whip hand!” But, claimed the cleric, the threat was greater still, not just confined to that posed by these so-called ‘fake’ Americans. “Worse than that even, thanks to those Godless Democrat Marxists, we are being engulfed by wave after wave of immigrants from some of the worst countries in the world,” he proclaimed. “I’m telling you, these people breed even faster than our own non-Americans – and are even less civilised! Before you know it, they’ll have taken over our cities and be eating the few babies we do produce!”
But what is the solution to America’s porn problem that Stoker and his church are urging Trump to adopt? “Obviously, a domestic ban on pornography alone wouldn’t be enough,” he concedes. “We also need to suppress those other guys reproductive abilities. At the moment, they seem to be immune from the effects of pornography – all it seems to do is to encourage them to fornicate more!” The reason for this, he feels, is obvious. “American pornography predominantly features white women which, we all know, are the sexual fantasy of all other racial and cultural groups,” opines Stoker. “So obviously, looking at it, just riles them up more, gets their sap rising and to relieve the pressure, they just have to off and have sex with their women.” The answer, he feels, is to produce pornography featuring only non-pure white women and distribute it exclusively in ‘other American’ areas. “Trust me, if we have people peddling that sort of stuff on the streets of, say, Harlem, then we’d soon see their birth rate dropping off as they start jerkin’ their gherkins over it instead,” he says. “As a bonus, there’s no way that good American boys would want to look at filth that exclusively focused on naked Asian, Black and Hispanic women, so they’d have no choice but to impregnate real American women instead.”
Stoker also has a plan for tackling the immigration problem. “What we need to do is start exporting our pornography, sending it out to the countries these rampantly fecund sex maniacs are coming from,” he suggests. “That’s their problem, see – they’re squeezing out babies at such a rate that they’re grossly overpopulated, racked with famines and poverty, so they all come swarming over here. If we can swamp them with enough pornography to turn them into masturbators then not only would we be stemming the flow of immigration, but we’d be doing them a favour as well!” Stoker contends that, in future, the US should replace foreign aid with shipments of pornography. “If they won’t accept it willingly, then we’ll just have to send it forcibly,” he told The Fuckle County Examiner in a recent interview. “Send in the Air Force’s B-52s to drop it on their towns and villages by the ton – they could parachute bales of the stuff in, or just drop then like bombs. Sure, there might be a few casualties if bales of porn crash through the roofs of their mud huts, but that sort of collateral damage is, I’m afraid, inevitable.” Critics have pointed out that it would take thousands of tons of pornography – probably greater than the US’s total current output – in order to carpet bomb the average deprived country with erotica. “I don’t see that being a problem – I’m confident that the US’s great pornography industry would be more than up for the task,” he responds. “As a bonus, just think of the American jobs that those lucrative defence contracts for this pornography of mass destruction will create!”
