“I was walking through Parliament Square one evening last week when this screaming naked figure leaped out from behind the statue of Winston Churchill and accosted me”, says seventy two year old independent peer Lord Mitts, recalling his recent encounter with the so-called ‘Wild Man of Westminster’. “It wrapped its legs around my head and tried to tear my clothes off! It was terrifying! I finally managed to beat it off with my walking stick and it ran off into the darkness!” The peer, who was returning home following a late night debate in the House of Lords, was left not only shaken by the encounter, but also strangely aroused. “There’s no doubt about – for the first time since 1981 I felt a stirring in my loins and realised that I was at half-mast,” muses his lordship. “Obviously, not wanting to waste this opportunity, I immediately hurried down to Soho to make the most of it.” Lord Mitts is simply the latest victim of the ‘Wild Man’ who, for the past month has been haunting the area around the Houses of Parliament, accosting passers-by, regardless of their age, gender or sexual orientation. All of the phantom’s victims have described similar experiences: stating that during the assaults they simultaneously felt a desire to both fight the beast off and embrace his crude advances. Whilst the witnesses’ descriptions of the ‘Wild Man’s’ physical appearance have been uniformly vague, media speculation that he is somehow connected with the corridors of power, possibly a Member of Parliament, perhaps even a minister, is rife. “It wouldn’t be surprising if one of those buggers had cracked under the pressure of constant press attention, demanding constituents and scandal after scandal,” opines Harry Dickenwold, political correspondent of the Daily Excess. “It wouldn’t be the first time, either. Let’s not forget how Ted Heath reacted to the Second Cod War in 1972 by dressing as an Octopus, running down Whitehall slapping passers-by in the face with his tentacles.” However, one political commentator is courting controversy by claiming that the ‘Wild Man of Westminster’ is actually none other than Conservative Party leader David Cameron. “It’s no secret that Cameron has been trying to cement his lead in the polls by making himself literally irresistible to voters,” says political blogger Sean Cockall. “He’s a modern politician who knows that it isn’t policies which win over voters – he knows that you have to seduce the electorate and make love to them, if you want their votes.” According to Cockall, in order to properly focus his sexual energies and harness them to electoral ends, the opposition leader has been secretly attempting to master the ancient Tibetan sexual art of Yang Wombito.
“It dates back to the Eleventh Century and entails a strict training regime designed to attune the mind and body for maximum sexual performance,” explains Cockall. “It is said that the Yang Wombito masters exude a magnetic sexual energy which renders the uninitiated powerless to resist them.” He believes that Cameron’s practicing of the ancient art has definitely contributed to the Tory leader’s recent surge in popularity. “There’s no doubt that people are increasingly seeing him as a thrusting, virile leader – the kind of man who can reinvigorate their flagging relationship with politics by demonstrating a range of exciting new positions,” he says. “By contrast, Gordon Brown makes the electorate feel that they are trapped in a stale and unproductive sexual relationship, characterised by its repetitious and predictable nature. You know the scenario – it only happens once a week after the old man’s come back from the pub, and always in the missionary position because he doesn’t have the energy to do anything else. The only element of surprise occurs if he farts during intercourse.” Cockall contends that it is essential Cameron masters Yang Wombito if the Tories are to win the next general election. “Their problem is that everyone knows that they’re basically horrible bastards who will bugger the less well off senseless, whilst reinforcing the position of the privileged,” he muses. “But if Cameron can project sufficient sexual magnetism, then he can seduce the electorate into believing that they’ll enjoy being bum raped!” The experiences of the ‘Wild Man’s’ victims would seem to indicate that the bizarre creature is, indeed, a student of Yang Wombito. “Even though I fought him off, there was a part of me that wanted to let the beast ravish and dominate me,” recalls twenty three year old research assistant Patty Frisker, who found herself cornered by the ‘Wild Man’ one evening in the Commons’ division lobby. “Whilst afterwards I could clearly see that his conduct was just crude and sordid, at the time his animal magnetism seduced me into believing that it was wonderful and glamourous!” A police officer who thought he’d finally caught the ‘Wild Man’ in the clock tower of Big Ben has also described how he was overcome by the mysterious figure’s ‘overpowering sexual charisma’. “I was about to clap the cuffs on him, but before I knew it he’d turned the tables and I found myself cuffed to Big Ben’s clapper, my trousers round my ankles, being spanked with my own truncheon,” says Constable Fred Shedd, a twenty year veteran of the Metropolitan Police. “I’m a totally heterosexual man’s man, but I just went weak at the knees and begged him for more!”
The beast’s modus operandi is also, the blogger claims, clearly inspired by the Ancient sexual art. “As well teaching initiates how to create and channel such energy, Yang Wombito also emphasises the role of spontaneity in successful love-making,” he says. “Taking your partner by surprise by leaping naked out of wardrobes or dropping unexpectedly on them from the ceiling, for instance. It’s clear that this is what the ‘Wild Man’ is doing when he accosts his victims.” Nevertheless, critics argue that it could be purely coincidental that both the Tory leader and the ‘Wild Man’ are both students of Yang Wombito, rather than being evidence that they are one and the same. However, Cockall believes that the ‘Wild Man’ is the result of Cameron’s abuse of the ancient art. “I have it on good authority that he has managed to get his hands on the Erotic Wig of Wang Huj-Dong”, he confides, explaining that prematurely bald Huj-Dong was one of the earliest masters of Yang Wombito, and had a wig woven from monkey hair. “He found that wearing the wig not only made him more sexually attractive but also increased his sexual prowess and stamina – he attributed this to the fact that monkeys are amongst the most sexually active of all primates, often masturbating for hours on end.” Cameron, he claims, has been misusing the demonic hair piece’s power, wearing it for hours on end to ramp up his sexual powers to dangerous levels. “When they reach critical mass he obviously finds himself in the grip of a sexual frenzy,” he muses. “In order to release the energy, his Yang Wombito training kicks in and he goes on the rampage, sexually surprising the object of his desires – any person of voting age unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity!” If the Tory leader was wearing the wig during his ‘Wild Man’ episodes, the blogger believes, it would explain why he wasn’t recognised. “Now you come to mention, that shoulder length hair could have been a wig,” says Lord Mitts, reflecting on his encounter with the ‘Wild Man’. “The more I try to imagine the blighter without it, the more bland and unappealing he seems – just like bloody Cameron!”