“Just give us your bloody wank mags,” implored ‘Sir’ Bob Geldof at a recent press conference to launch his latest charitable venture: Porn Aid. “There are people in Africa desperately in need of such material. Really, I just don’t know how these poor souls are able to stimulate themselves sufficiently to masturbate effectively, they’re so deprived of even the most basic pornography.” Geldof’s campaign was sparked by the terrible erotic deprivation he witnessed amongst ordinary Africans when visiting the continent on famine-relief missions. “There are whole villages without a single pornographic magazine,” he says incredulously. “Many people are forced to walk more than twenty miles in each direction to find a sex shop!” The former Boomtown Rat believes that these severe porn shortages have resulted in the widespread exploitation of vulnerable sex-starved African men by unscrupulous sex traders. “I’ve heard that these shops are charging the equivalent of a hundred pounds a time for access to the crudest of sex products,” he says, “usually dog-eared third hand photos torn from glossy magazines and showing a bit of arse or a hint of nipple! These can only be rented for two hours at a time and are usually still damp from the last user’s jism!” There are fears that the porn famine could destabilise the whole African continent. Already, rumours that Somali government officials had been stockpiling high quality porn in secure stockades for their own personal use, have pushed the country into civil war, with bands of armed rebels attempting to seize the smut in raids. Meanwhile, in Uganda, three soldiers died and several aid workers were seriously injured when full scale rioting erupted in a village after it emerged that a passing convoy was carrying only food supplies, not pornography. “It was terrible – the desperate villagers set the trucks on fire, destroying several tons of grain before stripping two of the female aid workers naked and whacking off wildly. A couple of the poor devils hadn’t been so sexually stimulated in such a long time that they suffered fatal heart attacks, the effort of ejaculation was so great,” laments ‘Sir’ Bob. “This was a tragedy just waiting to happen. The developed world has to act now, if we’re to avoid seeing such incidents on a daily basis!”

Geldof believes that the developed nations must bear the responsibility for Africa’s current plight. “We’ve been luring their best porn performers, writers and directors away for years now,” he explains. “Even when adult movies are shot in Africa now, they are aimed entirely at the European or US home entertainment markets – local people simply wouldn’t be able to afford to buy them, even if they did have DVD players and TVs to watch them on!” Consequently, Africa’s indigenous porn industry been reduced to the production of crude erotic wood carvings and the occasional travelling peep show. “Even these charge extortionate prices for a thirty second glimpse of a naked woman,” he says. “Worst of all, they’re usually not even attractive naked women, but these poor bastards are so desperate they’ll settle for anything without a penis!” Decades of drought and famine have exacerbated the problems faced by Africans in search of sexual stimulation. “The women are so emaciated and disease-ridden, there’s no way they’re going to give even a blind man a hard on,” opines Geldof. “They’ve had to slaughter all their livestock, so in most villages there isn’t even so much as a goat or a chicken to provide these poor guys with an alternate outlet for their sexual energies!” The veteran charity campaigner believes that a fundamental redistribution of global pornography is required, if the evil of porn droughts is to be banished from Africa permanently. “The fact is that we’re consuming a disproportionate amount of smut in the industrialised world. The average European or American has, in their possession, enough pornographic magazines to ejaculate more than two lifetimes supply of semen over,” he claims. “Now, I’m just asking for them to donate one or two of those magazines each to Porn Aid. They could change the lives of countless deprived Africans, and still have enough porno to wank over for a lifetime.” In addition to urging Britons to donate their surplus pornography to Africa, Geldof is planning to tackle the Prime Minister on the issue of the European Porn Mountain. “We all know that thanks to the EU’s subsidies for indigenous porn industries, there are warehouses all over Europe stacked to the rafters with jazz mags and videos,” says the wild haired Dubliner. “They keep telling me that if they release this surplus onto the open market it will send the price of porn crashing, but surely it can’t harm the European sex market if it is exclusively released to porn starved Africans!”

Geldof’s approach has been criticised in some quarters, not least for its apparently exclusive focus on porn starved African men. “Women have needs too, but nowhere have I heard Geldof proposing to send teams of male strippers to Africa,” points out top sociologist Helena Furze. “This whole scheme is just the usual phallocentric patronising cultural imperialism we’ve come to expect from the capitalist West!” Geldof is unmoved by such attitudes. “Look, I’ve taken expert advice on this from several of the world’s top sex therapists, pornographers and exotic dancers,” he explains. “They all told me the same thing: men are much more easily aroused than women – none of that foreplay bollocks, just a few dirty pictures will do it. Once we’ve got them flying at full mast, they’ll inevitably start getting their ends away with their women. So, in the long term we are working to satisfy the birds as well.” Several celebrities have already pledged their support to Porn Aid, most notably Britney Spears, who has offered to go to Africa and personally stimulate as many sex-starved men as she can. “It’s a very generous offer, but it’s too big a job even for her,” says Geldof. “That’s why I’m asking everybody – megastars and insignificant people like you alike – to pull together on this one.” To this end, Geldof is organising an all-star porn video which we be sold globally, with the profits going to the African porn relief effort. “Everyone involved, Midge Ure, Stevie Nicks, Carol Decker, the lot, will be giving their time and bodies free of charge. All you have to do is buy it,” he urges. “Come on, surely £4.99 is a small price to pay to see the likes of Barbara Dickson fingering themselves? And while you are whacking off over it, you’ll have the added satisfaction of knowing that your £4.99 is buying stacks of porn for Africa!” Geldof plans to climax Porn Aid with a series of simultaneous live sex events in London, Paris, Rome, Los Angeles, New York and Melbourne, in which various celebrities will copulate on stage, in front of vast live audiences. “We’re planning to beam the broadcasts live to every African city and village we can, to give those poor bastards the turn on they need,” he enthuses. “I want to give Africa the biggest orgasm in history!”