The extraordinary truth behind the terror plot that nearly derailed the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations has finally been revealed. “Her Majesty found herself trapped on an explosive rigged toilet, designed to explode if she didn’t crap at least half a kilo every twenty minutes,” Detective Inspector Brian Kripper of Scotland Yard’s royal protection detail has told a leading tabloid. “Obviously, we had to take the threat seriously, so she was stuck on the throne for over six hours – we thought that we were going to have to cancel the Jubilee concert at Buckingham Palace!” According to the top cop – who is currently on ‘gardening leave’ following an unfortunate incident with one of the Queen’s corgis – the incident took place on the Royal Barge, following the Jubilee River Pageant. “No sooner had Her Majesty gone into the Royal convenience, than we received a taped message, stating that the crapper she’d just perched her Majestic behind on, had been activated to explode if she couldn’t keep crapping! If she tried to get off the throne, the tape threatened, it would also go up!” he claimed in the newspaper article. “Obviously, our first thought was to try and swap her for a servant with the squits, or a sack of bricks weighing the same as her, and to bung the appropriate amount of material down the pan at twenty minute intervals until we got everyone clear. But this plan was thwarted by a second message, which claimed that the bomber had a video link to the kazi and could see everything that was going on – if there was any attempt to substitute Her Majesty, he would have detonated the toilet immediately!”

With their every move being watched by the crazed bomber, the police were powerless even to try and defuse the device. “It wasn’t just the fact that he had the Royal cubicle wired for sound and vision, but it would have been a serious breach of protocol for a bomb disposal technician, or any other commoner for that matter, to have seen the Queen with her kecks round her ankles taking a dump,” Kripper explained to the tabloid. “Believe me, anyone getting an eyeful of that would undoubtedly be committing treason and would have ended up in the Tower!” Consequently, the police spent the next two hours in a fruitless search for a registered blind bomb disposal expert. “In the end, we had to settle for sending in a chap wearing a blindfold, who had to carefully feel his way around the cubicle, guided by Her Majesty, so as to ensure that his unclean commoner’s hands never soiled the royal flesh,” the policeman claimed in the article. “He was able to confirm the presence of pressure pads on toilet, wired to a large quantity of explosive in the cistern.”

In the meantime, the Queen was forced to keep defecating half a kilo of excrement every twenty minutes. “It was a pretty desperate situation, we had Prince Philip standing outside the cubicle door urging her on – ‘Go on Liz, squeeze out another one’, he kept shouting – but after the first hour she was finding it increasingly difficult to come up with the good. There was one desperate moment when, after a particularly painful period of noisily straining, she merely farted – we all thought we were about to be blown to bits, but luckily, after another huge strain she came up with some solids. I’m amazed she didn’t rupture something ” Kripper told the newspaper’s journalists. “We could all hear her straining as she tried to keep up the deposits, it was terrible, after the first hour she was screaming every time she tried to go! We were terrified she’d start shitting blood! A lady-in-waiting we got to peer over the top of the door told us Her Majesty’s face was contorted in agony as she strained: puce coloured, with veins bulging out, eyes popping and sweat streaming down the royal visage!”

Clearly, until either a rescue could be mounted, or the bomber made his demands clear, the Queen had to be kept crapping. “It was obvious that we had to keep her throughput up,” the detective said in his interview. “We needed to keep feeding her stuff so rancid it would go straight through her – but not too quickly, as too much shooting out of her arse at once could have disturbed the pressure pads enough to set the bomb off.” A desperate search through the bins of Thames-side restaurants ensued, with police officers and courtiers rushing armfuls of rotting food back to the Royal Barge. “We found a crateful of past their sell-by date herring were most effective,” Kripper recalled. “We were throwing them over the cubicle door, for Her Majesty to catch in her mouth and swallow whole, like a seal. The Royal seal, I suppose!. With fifteen minutes of her eating one, you could hear her stomach start to bubble like a cauldron, before a stream of red hot crap spewed out of her arse.”

All the time these desperate attempts to keep the Queen incontinent were going on, the police and security services were still awaiting further contact with the bomber. “We still didn’t know why he was doing this – we expected him to star issuing demands,” explained Kripper. “But there was nothing – no demands for money or for the release of political prisoners, the abolition of the monarchy or any of the other stuff these nutters usually seem to want! There was just this ominous silence.” Indeed, the identity of the bomber remains the subject of intense speculation, with the authorities still unable to ascertain whether the perpetrator was acting alone or part of a wider terrorist group. Whilst radical republican groups have been the focus of investigations, police are also exploring the possibility that the outrage could be the result of a personal grudge against the Queen, with several disgruntled ex-employees being brought in for questioning. “Even the most bizarre theories have been explored, including the idea that Princess Diana had faked her own death and had returned to humiliate the Royal family by subjecting the Queen to this bizarre ordeal,” Kripper claimed in the tabloid story. “However, an exhumation of her body and a DNA test established that he was indeed dead, so for a while suspicion fell on her brother, instead. Luckily for him, he had an alibi.”

A rescue was finally attempted after the police hit upon the idea of diverting the feed from the cameras planted in the cubicle. “We had to construct an identical cubicle, with a Queen Elizabeth look-a-like straining on the pan, then hack into the bomber’s video feed, substituting footage from this fake toilet for the real thing,” said Kripper in the article. “Once the real Queen was free of his surveillance, we could finally work on a way of getting her out of there.” Another blindfolded bomb disposal expert was sent into the cubicle and set about neutralising the explosive device in the cistern. “It was all going well, the bomb disposal expert had deactivated the primary device when he realised that there was an inaccessible secondary device under the toilet seat,” the policeman revealed. “Whilst it was unlikely to kill her, it could have severely injured Her Majesty. We decided that there was only one thing for it – to lift her off of the toilet by rope as swiftly as possible, whilst temporarily applying enough pressure to stop the explosion until she was clear.” In the event, a courageous Prince Philip insisted on lowering himself into the cubicle as his wife was winched out. “His plan was to stand astride the seat until the Queen was clear, then leap free himself – despite his years he is surprisingly sprightly,” the policeman told the tabloid’s readers. However, things didn’t run exactly to plan, with the Prince proving too slow to avoid completely the blast. “He was very lucky,” Kripper claimed. “His trousers were blown off and he suffered minor burns to his legs and groin. Although he had to spend a few days in hospital – the whole bladder infection stuff was just a cover story – he made a complete recovery. Thankfully, despite being shaken by her experience, Her Majesty was able to attend the remainder of her Jubilee celebrations.” Buckingham Palace, Number Ten and Scotland Yard have all refused to comment on Kripper’s claims.