Knights of Cumalot (Handjob, 2003)

DIRECTOR: HUGH JAMPTON. RUNNING TIME: 92 mins. DVD: SNUFFBOX ENTERTAINMENT. PRICE £8.99 CERT 18

This has to represent pretty much the nadir of British sexploitation. Surprisingly good production values (the sets and costumes look as if they were salvaged from some higher-budget production) are undermined by a puerile script and non-existent acting. The punning (if it can be dignified with such a description) title says it all, setting the tone for the rest of the picture. The initial idea, a pornographic debasement of Sir Thomas Malory, probably seemed highly amusing one late night down at the producer’s local pub (where this movie surely must have been conceived), but in reality its all very tiresome.

To cut a long story short, the plot (such as it is) concerns the quest for the Holy Grail by the Knights of King Arthur’s round table. In this version the reason for them seeking it is to cure Queen Guinevere, who has taken to her bed with an incurable affliction – “the wound that never heals” (very subtle). Little does King Arthur know, but this affliction is actually a bad case of the clap which she has caught from his favourite knight, Sir Thrustalot (the character names give a fair idea of the level of the script). Most of the film follows of the efforts of Thrustalot and his companions to attain the Grail – basically these consist of a series of bawdy adventures involving busty farm-girls, naked witches and horses. Amongst Thrustalot’s companions are Sir Harry de Fisting (the virtuous knight who spurns the corrupting love of women but is not above giving the odd squire a “red box”) and Sir Percy (it just doesn’t get any better) who has a weapon to rival Arthur’s Excalibur. Predictably, there are many ‘jokes’ about pork swords and lunchbox lancers. The Grail, when it is eventually discovered, takes the form of a huge glowing phallus, which is eventually used by Thrustalot as a divine dildo to cure Guinevere. However, having cured her clap, he cannot resist the urge to give her one herself, but is caught in the act by Arthur’s nephew, the villainous Sir Mulligan de Cockwash (can it get worse? You bet it can!).

Sir Mulligan denounces Guinevere and Thrustalot, calling for their execution. Arthur refuses, exiling Thrustalot and banishing Guinevere to a nunnery. Civil war ensues and a final battle is fought between Arthur’s remaining knights and Sir Mulligan’s supporters. (But fought very cheaply as it all takes place in a thick fog, through which you can never see more than three knights at a time). Finally Arthur and Mulligan face each other one on one. Both are mortally wounded. Thrustalot turns up just in time to take the dying Arthur to the lake and throw Excalibur into the water. After Arthur’s death Thrustalot disguises himself as a nun and penetrates the Abbey – you can guess the rest.

It is hard to believe that this debased farrago was produced by Handjob, the people who gave us the excellent James Bondage series. Otherwise reliable performers fail to rise to the occasion here. Nobby Gusset, so good in the first two Bondage films, plays Thrustalot with what appears to be a fright wig and a bored expression, whilst Chucky ‘Chopper’ Frottager gives a truly limp performance as Sir Percy. The whole thing is just too obvious – Merlin is portrayed as a senile old queen who cavorts naked with the page boys and is bewitched by an evil fairy, whilst the Lady of the Lake’s arm reaches out of the water to grab Excalibur, but wanks Arthur off instead. Beyond puerile, this is the sort of thing which gives porno a bad name. Burn it.