Top intelligence expert claim swarms of Russian drones invading NATO airspace are here to spy on Western women in hope of snatching illicit nude shots through bedroom and bathroom windows. Makes extraordinary claim that thanks to Ukraine war and sanctions, Moscow is currently suffering a severe pornography shortage. Fresh female nudity desperately needed to relieve deprived troops on front line.
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As ghost of slain right-wing agitator Charlie Kirk prepares to present first posthumous podcast via Ouija board, speculation mounts as to whether he is suitable candidate for sainthood. MAGA faithful fervently search for evidence of miracles performed by Kirk’s spirit despite mooted miraculous gay and trans ‘conversions debunked as hoaxes. Will Charlie Kirk become Church of MAGA’s first saint – the patron saint of hate and bigotry?
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Drive-by shootings by double decker buses! Top TV producer unveils controversial plans to update classic UK TV sitcom ‘On the Buses’, portraying original characters as drug dealers dispensing cocaine from the top deck! Scripts feature shootings, gang warfare and drug driving of buses – all played for laughs in what is described as a dark comedy for contemporary Britain.
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Retired top stench packer sensationally reveals battle to remove the stench of Trump from White House at end of first term, before Biden could move in. Describes challenge of removing stench so toxic it stained the walls of the Oval Office and threatened the health of the stench packers dealing with it. Claims that Trump stench so poisonous that, once packed, it has had to be stored in top secret secure underground nuclear waste facility.
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Everybody wants to be somebody on the web nowadays, whether they offer something special or not. Doc Sleaze considers whether this is a microcosm of wider society in the light of our current crop of egotistical, media hungry politicians. From online content creators to would be dictators – wouldn’t we all be happier if we just learned to accept that, in reality, we are nobody at all?
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Is the government planning to monitor heterosexual men’s sexual fantasies for illegal acts? Are you about to face prosecution for school uniform fantasies? Extraordinary claims of top British influencer who also complains that modern masculinity being undermined as men can no longer be sure that the models they see on porn sites are really women, not just transsexuals or transvestites who will ruin their sexual daydreams.
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Do animals actually like being eaten by humans? Uproar as top TV naturalist claims animals see humans as deities requiring blood sacrifices, so willingly go to the slaughterhouse. Condemns vegans and vegetarians for attempting to deny animals their right to be eaten by a superior species, asserts that meat-eating is the source of all human intelligence and civilisation.
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Is the Labour government planning to house asylum seekers and immigrants arriving on small boats in our garden sheds and closets? Do human rights laws mean we can’t stop them from eating our pets and performing human sacrifices because they are part of their culture and therefore protected? Bizarre claims of Reform MP strike chord with many supporters as his meteoric rise in popularity has Nigel Farage fearing for his job!
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Was Jeffrey Epstein merely a media construct created by the left to try and discredit Trump? As picture emerges of Trump apparently jumping out of a cake at Epstein birthday party, president’s supporters go into full denial mode, declaring that there was no Epstein, therefore no list and no Epstein island. But will shouting ‘fake news’ placate Trump’s followers?
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Is AI all a scam? Whistle blower blows lid off of AI industry as he reveals it is really just thousands of low paid workers in ‘digital sweat shops’ using conventional web searches to provide users with responses. Except for Grok, which is really just Elon Musk responding to queries. Tech experts dismiss claims that industry giants might be exploiting overseas workers with poor pay and conditions, branding them ‘ridiculous’.
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Top conspiracy theorist proposes ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’ which will incorporate and reconcile all other conspiracy theories, explaining them all. Welcomed in some conspiracy circles as way of regulating the conspiracy community and reducing occurrences of ‘rogue’ conspiracies that bring whole community into disrepute, but condemned by others who suspect it is itself an authoritarian conspiracy designed to control the conspiracy narrative and suppress the truth.
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British press left aghast by idea that horrendous crime not committed by a Muslim immigrant, but instead by middle class, white, British ex-serviceman. We ask, is UK’s right-wing press incapable of viewing crime and criminals through anything other than the lens of class and race? Should British crimes be reserved for British criminals only?
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Has the Second Coming finally arrived? ‘Transactional Jesus’ announces arrival via popular podcast, performs miracles for cash and heals on health insurance. Claims he is bound to follow prevailing trends of modern society and needs to finance his church. New Messiah courts controversy with sponsorship deals including endorsing new crypto currency as Trump tries to take credit for Second Coming occurring in US.
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Customers report increasing number of bizarre attacks while shopping at supermarkets. Many claim to have been pursued by fruit and vegetable wielding mobs or been beaten with prime cuts of meat. Are these incidents the result of secret government mind control experiments or are they being orchestrated by sinister consumer cult out to make human sacrifices to ensure better bargains?
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Circus overcomes performing animal ban by employing men in animal suits to perform dangerous acts. Panic ensues in quiet English town as fake lions mistaken for real thing by gun-toting pub landlord and local RSPCA inundated with calls from locals outraged by sight of gorillas apparently fighting bears, elephants on tightropes and knife-throwing monkeys.
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New book investigating alleged sex lives of top saints draws religious ire. Is it cheap and possibly blasphemous sensationalism or a serious study of the humanity behind the divine? Author claims book makes religious figures more approachable by allowing average people to identify with holy icons who experience normal sexual urges and temptations, while top bishops claim he is trying to undermine the magnificent mystery of the faith.
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