Category: Science

What has moved a furious Elon Musk to attack and destroy own high tech cyber suits? Journalist sensationally claims billionaire’s new cybernetic exoskeletons, which promised wearers ability to experience ecstasy of mind-blowing cyber sex couplings – but only for heterosexuals – have been hacked to allow other, non-binary sexual identities to be created and experienced!

As effluent rains down out of nowhere inside Briton’s houses, top scientist theorises such attacks could be retaliation by dwelllers in parallel universe for secret experiments in our universe to revolutionise waste disposal by creating a ‘Pan Dimensional Poop Chute’ which allows us to take a dump in another dimension.
Could a cross-dimensional crap throwing war be on verge of erupting?

Do animals actually like being eaten by humans? Uproar as top TV naturalist claims animals see humans as deities requiring blood sacrifices, so willingly go to the slaughterhouse. Condemns vegans and vegetarians for attempting to deny animals their right to be eaten by a superior species, asserts that meat-eating is the source of all human intelligence and civilisation.

Is AI all a scam? Whistle blower blows lid off of AI industry as he reveals it is really just thousands of low paid workers in ‘digital sweat shops’ using conventional web searches to provide users with responses. Except for Grok, which is really just Elon Musk responding to queries. Tech experts dismiss claims that industry giants might be exploiting overseas workers with poor pay and conditions, branding them ‘ridiculous’.

Is there a secret project to divert asteroid to hit the earth, specifically targeting Trump White House? Amazing claims that European governments engaged in secret project to smash US East Coast with meteor in attempt to rid the world of MAGA scourge.

Top British racist agitator claims last year’s race riots failed due to intervention of ‘League of Asian Superheroes’ using their powers to protect asylum seekers from violent thugs. Did UK government experiments to feed Punjabi women radioactive chapatis in the sixties create race of super-powered Asian mutants?

Is techno-jerk-in-chief Elon Musk planning to inseminate Mars with his phallic rockets loaded with his own seed in hope of creating super race? Top tech figures claim the Trump-ass-kisser extraordinaire’s human intimacy problems also driving him to develop sex robot for remote sex with earth women in order to propagate his ‘superior’ DNA.

Should mad doctors and their dangerous experimental procedures be available on the NHS? Health chiefs accused of clinical insanity for forcing patients to go private for treatments including penis transplants, full fur grafts and radioactive blood transfusions as private clinic providing such procedures accused of being front for Nazi human experiments.

What lies behind series of attacks on fishermen by mutated fish? As woman swimmer has bottom slapped by aquatic sex maniac’s tail and angler sexually assaulted by giant man-fish, marine biologist speculates that hormones in sewage spilled into sea could be behind creation of sex-obsessed mutant fish.

Are the world’s cities under attack from titanic human trumps? Top scientists claim recent series of city levelling natural disasters actually caused by huge vegan farts. Are a group of vegan extremists holding world to ransom, threatening to global destruction unless whole globe gives up animal products?

After refuse-filled missile strikes Brussels, spewing stinking household waste across city, UK is accused of running secret scheme to dispose of its rubbish by firing it off in rockets. Despite denials by British authorities, suspicions linger that rain of effluent over German city might also have been from malfunctioning UK waste disposal missile.

Are a gang of international arsonists traveling around world setting wild fires to provide fake evidence of climate change? Extraordinary claims from controversial ‘climatologist’ that climate change actually being faked by groups of saboteurs employed by evil green energy lobby, out to discredit carbon-based energy.

Should children be drinking a glass of oil a day for their health? Controversial climate denier claims oil-related pollution actually beneficial to human health, welcomes UK premier Sunak’s commitment to more oil production and fewer urban low-emission zones. Alleges that more pollution would have stopped pandemic, reduced childhood illness rates.

Did a man travel back in time to try and stop assassination of John Lennon in 1980? Top physicist makes series of extraordinary claims regarding missing colleague. Alleges combination of time machine constructed in lab locker and tantric sex enabled leading scientist to create new reality where Lennon lives!

Pro LGBTQ newspaper column by Jeremy Clarkson prompts revelation that right-wing press using Artificial Intelligence to produce its bile-filled and reactionary columns and opinion pieces. Fears that AI has become self-aware and is ‘woke’, deliberately subverting Tory tabloids hate-filled messaging. Others claim AI hacked by ‘Wokerati’.

Is business booming for Britain’s mercy killers thanks to cost-of-living crisis? UK’s providers of illicit euthanasia services report surge in demand for their services as old and infirm find it increasingly difficult to make ends meet. Fear cold snap combined with high fuel prices will cut off demand for assisted dying as pensioners find freezing to death cheaper.