Attack of the Invisible Lesbians

The recent ‘Lesbian Visibility Week’ has caused consternation amongst US conservatives, with many raising fears that it means that invisible lesbians could have been living undetected among unsuspecting God-fearing Americans for years. “Why has nobody told us before that they are invisible and only become visible for one week a year?” leading MAGA maniac Marjorie Taylor Greene demanded on Fox News. “Do they become invisible when they turn lesbian? Is it a gay thing?” Many other right-wingers have joined her in expressing their concerns at the lesbian invisibility revelations. “Quite frankly, it makes my skin crawl to think that I might have been unknowingly sharing elevators, subway cars and even bathrooms with these invisible deviants,” says top Trump supporting blogger Evangeline Hupplord. “I could have been felt up, groped or otherwise sexually molested in a filthy lesbian way and nobody would have believed me! Not that I have been assaulted in this way, obviously. But it could have happened.” Despite having been lucky herself, Hupplord believes that thousands of American women have suffered the unwelcome attentions of invisible lesbians and either thought that they suffering hallucinations or wrongly blamed it on innocent men. “How many times have you felt that hand on your buttocks in a crowded elevator and turned around and slapped the guy behind you, despite him protesting his innocence?” she asks. “Clearly it is all part of their perverted plot to make normal women believe that all men are disgusting sex pests, in the hope that they’ll turn lesbian instead.”

Indeed, on her blog Hupplord recounts the experiences of several conservative women who believe that they have been abused by invisible lesbians. Mary Lou from Texas, for instance, tells of her terrifying experience in the changing rooms of a Houston department store. “I was down to my underwear, about to try on this dress, when I heard this heavy breathing close by, as if someone was getting sexually aroused,” she told Hupplord. “I thought it was someone in the next changing cubicle, so I stormed in there to find some startled looking guy who I punched in the face and kneed in the groin. Thanks to these invisible lesbian revelations, I now realise that he was, as he claimed, innocent and that he only had his hands down his pants because his fly zipper had jammed and he was trying to free it – the effort had also left him short of breath and gasping. Clearly, the real culprit had been an invisible rug muncher who had been in the cubicle with me all along!” The blog chronicles many similar incidents, including locker room arse slappings and bar room fumblings blamed, at the time, on innocent men, some of whom ended up with convictions for sexual assault. “This reign of terror has to be stopped,” declares Hupplord, who believes that votes cast by invisible lesbians could also have helped President Biden steal the 2020 election from Donald Trump. “Politicians have to act now to force these lesbians into visibility in order keep normal women safe!”

A top academic, meanwhile, has opined that it should have come as no surprise to learn that lesbians were capable of invisibility. “Let’s not forget that while they claim to have been around for centuries, it has only bee since the nineteen seventies that there have been reported sightings of them,” says Professor Jeb Lobspur of the Donald Trump University of Science and Real Estate Studies in Florida, dismissing speculation that the Covid vaccine could have given lesbians the power of invisibility. “Even then, it was only in traditionally Democratic controlled northern states. It was only until relatively recently that they started being seen in ‘Red States’. So if, as they claim, they’ve been here throughout history, their absence from proper history books, of the sort approved by Governor DeSantis, can only be explained if they were invisible.” Lobspur does concede that perhaps not all lesbians are capable of invisibility. “In the past, the only sightings were of the butch ones with short hair and wearing comfortable shoes,” he muses. “Which seems to indicate that the act of dressing like men renders them visible. Clearly it is the attractive feminine ones we have to look out for as they apparently have the power to render themselves invisible, thereby posing a powerful threat to decent people everywhere.”

Lesbians aren’t the only minority group currently worrying US right wingers: YouTuber, self-styled conservative ‘journalist’ and failed Republican electoral candidate Laura Looney has recently also been taking aim at transsexuals. “While turning yourself invisible so as to be able to molest straight women is pretty bad, let’s not forget that other groups of perverts are trying to deceive us while remaining in plain sight,” she screeches in her latest video. “We really need to be more concerned about these men who pretend to be women so as to undermine real women, confuse young people and undermine good American family values. Damn it, you should be able to tell what gender someone is without looking at their genitals!” Her fears have been endorsed by Willy Fricks, an outspoken MAGA supporting Republican House candidate in Mississippi. “Damn right it’s confusing, all these male deviants walking around in dresses, using the ladies room but still having chest hair and penises,” he declared to the press on the steps of Jackson court house, where he had just been cleared of sexual assault on the grounds that his alleged victim had turned out to be a pre-op transsexual. “I mean, anyone following the saintly President Trump’s advice to ‘grab them by the pussy’ could be in for a very traumatising experience these days. How’s a red blooded male meant to go about his regular business when he doesn’t know whether the next pair of hooters he grabs are real milkers or not?”

In a bizarre coda, Fricks appeared to try and protect the rights of rapists and peeping Toms, claiming that they could be severely traumatised by attacking or spying on transsexuals by mistake. “Those Democrats and liberals always seem to want to be protecting the rights of these perverts, making excuses for them, saying they’re depraved because they come from broken homes or were oppressed by the cops when they were kids” he claimed. “But you don’t hear a peep out of them when they are getting traumatised in their workplace by their other favourite deviants, now do you?” In response to the furore over invisible lesbians, Donald Trump’s camp are promising that, if he becomes president again, he will introduce legislation to force lesbians into permanent visibility. His rival for the Republican nomination, Governor Ron DeSantis, however, has already proposed local legislation for Florida for compulsory ‘conversion therapy’ for lesbians, invisible or not, and a strict dress code mandating dresses exclusively for biological women. “It’s about time we got back to men wearing the trousers,” said one of his campaign workers.