It’s an Unfair Cop

Recent coverage of British PM Rishi Sunak’s US-style motorcade driving down Whitehall has raised eyebrows amongst political commentators. “It was quite extraordinary – I could hardly believe what I was seeing when the news services played that video of his car is accompanied by hordes of coppers on push bikes and hordes more running alongside the vehicle, huffing and puffing,” says Quentin Friske, Westminster Correspondent of the Sunday Bystander. “It was all very bizarre and perplexing – I recall that when I used to see the late Queen’s motorcade sweep past every so often, (usually with some visiting foreign dignitary sitting alongside her), her limousine was only ever accompanied by a couple of preceding motorcycle cops clearing junctions and a couple of Range Rovers, fore and aft, packed full of armed policemen. Why does Sunak need such higher levels of security? Is he worried that Suella Braverman and the other right wing extremists in his cabinet are going to try and assassinate him?” The motorcade and specifically the presence of so many police officers also caused consternation in other quarters. “Couldn’t all those Metropolitan Police officers have been better employed molesting women, fitting people up or shooting black people?” asks Harold Fruit-Batt of right-wing think tank the Institute of Law and Authority. “I shudder to think of all the loose women, foreigners and other undesirables who were able to walk the streets of London freely that day!”

Fruit-Batt was also concerned at the physical condition of many of the police officers seen running beside the prime minister’s car in the motorcade. “A significant number of them were clearly overweight and unfit – they were gasping for breath, their faces turning red, as they tried to keep up with his car,” he notes. “I ask you, how can police officers that unfit hope to chase down fit young women and molest them? Even if they did catch them, they’d have a heart attack before they could get their flies undone. Is it any wonder that it takes a whole mob of policemen to beat up a single ethnic minority these days? Even then, they have to use stuff like tasers – how I miss the good old days when they had the brawn to rely on their truncheons to hand out a good beating!” Not surprisingly, in the wake of a series of scandals involving Metropolitan Police officers, including rape, sexual assault, racism, violence and corruption, Fruit-Batt’s observations have been condemned as ‘tasteless’ and ‘inappropriate’, with the Conservative Party, in particular, trying to distance itself from them. “Look, people need to understand that this motorcade is the government’s solution to a lack of public confidence in the Met in the wake of all these revelations of wrong-doing by its officers: take the worst offenders off their normal duties and assign them to protecting the Prime Minister,” claims back bench Tory MP Francis Pobblington-Smythe. “That way, their opportunity for raping, beating, murdering and being generally misogynistic, homophobic and racist to the public will be severely limited, with Rishi keeping his eye on them personally. You see, we’re trying to keep the streets safe by keeping the police off of them.”

Undeterred, Fruit-Batt, who claims that his organisation has advised several Conservative Home Secretaries, has contended that so-called ‘misconduct’ on the part of the Metropolitan Police is, in fact, an officially approved policy. “It’s an extension of the concept of creating a ‘Hostile Environment’ for illegal immigrants, making the UK seem repressive and therefore unattractive to them,” he explains. “Except that instead of targeting illegals, the aim now is to make the streets a ‘Hostile Environment’ for other problem groups: women, foreign types, ethnics. You know the sort.” The rationale behind deploying the police to deploy increasingly brutal approaches when dealing with these groups is actually to cut crime. “Take women, for example. Thanks to Women’s Lib and the Permissive Society, we now have hordes of single, sexually active, young women roaming the streets just asking to be raped and molested. So if we can deter them from going out, then, in the long run, the number of sex crimes will inevitably fall, even if we have to endure a temporary spike in such attacks carried out by the police as deterrents,” he says. “In the long run, if we can make the streets sufficiently hostile for women, perhaps it will encourage them to get married and stay at home to look after their husbands and children.”

Likewise, Fruit-Batt argues that it is also necessary to discourage other minorities from going out onto the streets in order to slash crime rates. “We all know that most crimes are committed by foreigners or people who look like foreigners,” he says. “So of we can scare them off of the streets with fear of a beating from the police, then the streets will be safer for decent British people.” Fruit-Batt contends that this sort of police suppression could actually be beneficial for some of its subjects. “We’ve got homosexuals and trans types publicly flaunting themselves these days – they are a magnet for hae crimes, they are so high profile,” he muses. “So by getting the police to harass them into either staying at home or dressing and behaving like normal people in public, then we’re actually protecting them from hate and prejudice.”

Fruit-Batt’s claims have been roundly rejected by the government, which denies that his organisation has ever advised any ministers or that institutionalised police misconduct is, in any way, an official policy. “It’s an outrageous suggestion,” opines back bencher Pobblington-Smythe. “Especially in view of the fact that this government is committed to the police recruiting more ethnic minorities, sexually diverse people and women. After all, the more of these groups they have in their own ranks, the more they can practice their prejudices and misogyny in-house rather than inflicting it upon the public at large. Of course, the women they recruit will have to be attractive – that’s the underlying cause of historic police misogyny, you see. The women they’ve recruite in the past have all been munters that no sane man would interfere with – that’s why they have to molest women on the street, instead.”