Breeding a Better Britain

A right-wing think tank believes that it has hit upon the winning policy formula for Nigel Farage’s Reform UK. “It’s quite simple, really: sex sells! So Farage has to campaign on a platform of promoting more sex for Britons,” says Dr Declan Didger, Director of the Institute of British Breeding. “Obviously, such a policy would have to be tied in with Reform’s overall ideology, supporting its aim of putting Britain and Britons first.” Didger explains that the key to integrating sex into Reform policy lies with immigration – an issue already central to the party. “You see, it is all down to declining birth rates and an ageing population that we in the UK – and Europe, generally – need to have so many immigrant workers,” he notes. “So it seems perfectly logical that Nigel Farage should try to capitalise on this to try and propose a new policy that is guaranteed to be popular.  ‘Bring Back British Breeders’ could be the new slogan as he and Reform UK urge Britons to have more sex in order to save the country from the immigrant invasion.”

Clearly, though, simply urging Britons to have more sex – although undoubtedly a popular policy in itself – wouldn’t alone be enough to propel Farage to electoral victory. “Keeping up the populist tone, the new policy could be called ‘Bonk for Britain’ with Farage advocating more sex – but this would only be a first step to establish the concept,” says Didger. “But Farage would need to quickly flesh it out -perhaps he could start by introducing weekly quotas for making love, accompanied by severe restrictions on the availability of contraceptives.  Empahsising that this sex drive isn’t about pleasure, but rather producing more babies – British babies.” The Institute has argued in a new policy paper that if such a policy was to have any chance of succeeding in replenishing the ranks of true Brits, then there would also have to be measures introduced to ensure that only the right people were having more sex.

“For one thing, there could be compulsory contraception introduced for immigrants, Brits in mixed race relationships and non-white people in general,” says Mary Quang, Chief Researcher at the institute and one of the paper’s authors. “Maybe there could be a ‘colour chart’ introduced for retailers of contraceptives to check the eligibility of those having them dispensed: the darker you are, the more you get.” Quang concedes that such proposals would undoubtedly prove controversial but warns that it might be necessary to go even further if British birthrates are to be protected. “We might well find ourselves in the position of having to offer immigrants the choice between deportation or enforced sterilisation,” she says. “Of course, this will get the usual knee jerk reactions from those bleeding heart liberals who are happy to see our country overrun by foreign hordes and put our great British gene pool diluted by their impure blood. I have no doubt that they’ll raise all the hoary old spectres of eugenics, concentration camps and genocide and invoke all the tired old cliches about the Third Reich and Hitler! I mean, really, they need to give that old nonsense a rest – it was all a long time ago and doubtless greatly exaggerated by woke historians and the leftist media.”

Another aspect of this proposed new policy which is highlighted in the institute’s paper is the future of non-heterosexual relationships. “Obviously, for such a policy to have maximum effect, heterosexual intercourse would have to be made compulsory and any form of same sex relationship outlawed – you can’t have all that effort and semen being wasted on sexual activities that aren’t going to produce babies,” points out Herman Priory, who authored the paper’s section on the future of non-standard sexual orientations. “Similarly, male masturbation will have to be closely monitored – if you want to knock one out then you’ll have to do it into a test tube, which will then be sent off to a sperm bank.” Priory explained exactly why such sperm banks would still be needed if sex was made compulsory. “Now, it is perfectly legitimate to ask that question. But let’s not forget those lesbians who can no longer have sex with other women – well, if they refuse to ‘convert’, then you could have compulsory insemination,” he muses. “Which would also be the case for chronically ugly women unable to attract a man.  Yes, I know this all sounds offensive, but surely that’s what Reform UK is all about – normalising what is characterised by supposed ‘normal’ society unacceptable and turning it into populist policy.”

The paper also suggests that, to ensure maximum productivity, perhaps Farage might consider legalising polygamy.   Another suggestion is for single women to be rounded up and put in ‘Love camps’, where they can be ‘serviced’ by members of the Reform UK youth wing.  “ You see, from a simple starting point – the idea of endorsing more sex for Britons – the policy possibilities are endless,” enthuses Didger. “It’s most definitely a potential vote-winner and we’ve ensured that our paper has been brought to the attention of Nigel Farage himself – I’m eagerly awaiting his reaction.” Labour backbencher Ron Rimmer is in no doubt that the paper will be enthusiastically received at Reform UK headquarters. “This would seem to be right up Nigel Farage’s street,” he opines. “I mean, a man prepared to exploit a murder in order to whip up racial hatred, division and social unrest would surely jump at the chance to embrace something that combines misogyny, racism, homophobia and ignorance in one package, wouldn’t he?” The veteran politician , though, has his own ideas as to how British birth rates could be boosted without resort to the sort of extreme measures outlined in the institute’s paper. “Maybe Farage could just encouraging everyone to do what hypocritical extreme right politicians do and simply have a dozen or so mistresses on shagging terms,” he says. “Just look at the way Boris Johnson’s harem used to pop out babies – it was as if he was personally trying top repopulate Britain in his own image. Mind you, in Farage’s case, it could prove counter-productive, as he prefers those foreign, Euro-extremist women, doesn’t he?”