Pure White Rage

“Jesus Christ! Are the police completely incompetent? I mean, they’ve made two arrests in this case and both suspects have been white male British nationals! For God’s sake, what are they playing at?” demands Harry Bellender, a Reform UK prospective council candidate for Slough South West. “Don’t they know that virtually all violent crime – and certainly all violent crime directed at right-wing politicians – is committed by black or brown illegal immigrants?” Bellender is one of a growing number of supporters of extreme right-wing parties and movements who have been venting their frustrations at the direction being taken by investigators of the killing of former Tory MP, Reform MEP and right-wing loon Ann Widdecombe, on social media. “Once again, their dreams of stirring up more race hate, a few riots and some burnings down of hostels housing asylum seekers had been foiled by inconvenient facts,” opines Leon Wittledown, senior lecturer at the Reigate Institute of Race Relations and Horticulture.   “They’d all been banking on it being a racially-motivated murder and had already started drooling over the sort of provocative headlines that would follow the killing of a well known extreme right-wing politician with hardline views on immigration, by a non-white perpetrator, preferably an illegal immigrant. While there was some relief when the first, white, suspect was released without charge, you could just feel that mixture of fury and frustration emanating from the racists over on Twitter when it was announced that the latest suspect arrested was also a white British national.”

The likes of Bellender have also become vexed over the very fact that both suspects so far have been identified by race. “I can guarantee that if they’d been bloody immigrants then there’d have been no mention of their not being white or British,” he bellows. “It’s just another example of ‘Two Tier Justice’ at work!” Wittledown, however, has pointed out that the identification of suspects by race and nationality has been the norm for some time. “Ironically, it’s thanks to lobbying by extremists like him, that the authorities have to mention such things, regardless of relevance,” he points out. “They were always griping that we weren’t being told if murderers where black or Arab or whatever because of ‘political correctness gone mad’ – they obviously didn’t think that white people might also commit crimes.” Bellender and his cohorts have also been debating the question of what actually constitutes ‘white’ in an attempt to somehow ‘export’ this particular example of violent crime. “Maybe when they say ‘white’, they are simply saying ‘not brown or black’,” he ponders. “Perhaps these suspects are what we’d call ‘not quite white’ – you know, they might have a ‘touch of the tar brush’ from some illicit liaison with foreign types on the part of their grandparents. Or perhaps they’re Oriental – they’re not allowed to say ‘yellow’ any more so maybe these bloody woke liberal bastards call them ‘white’ nowadays?” There has also been speculation on social media that the ‘white’ suspects might actually be naturalised UK citizens from Eastern Europe. “I mean, they’re like the coloureds of Europe, aren’t they?” asks Bellender.

In an even more extraordinary development, the idea that the suspect in the Widdecombe case is actually non-white, but wearing ‘white face’ as a disguise has been mooted on social media. There have even been claims that, determined to prove this suspicion correct, some right-wing extremist keyboard warriors are planning to form a mob outside wherever the suspect is being held and try to storm the place, armed with damp cloths with which they’ll try to wipe the ‘white face’ off to reveal that they are actually a Somali illegal immigrant. Parts of the right-wing press, meanwhile, have picked up on the bizarre ‘white face’ idea, with notorious tabloid The Shite running a campaign to expose the ‘army’ of ‘white face’ disguised illegals living, unsuspected, in local communities. “It’s absolute bloody gold, mate,” declares Dave Cobbler, Managing Editor of the tabloid. “We’re going to be running a series of headlines this Summer: ‘How many of them are living amongst us?’  ‘Is your neighbour a secret illegal immigrant?’  Do they ever go out in the rain?’ I’m confident it will boost sales through the roof!” Cobbler has revealed that readers will be encouraged to ‘accidentally’ spray suspected neighbours with a hosepipe, to see if their ‘whiteness’ washes off. “Of course, that would mean defying the current hosepipe bans in some parts of the country,” he says. “But we’re going to tie the bans in with the ‘white face’ story, as they clearly have nothing to do with the heatwave – they’re a liberal conspiracy to stop the exposure of those illegals falsely living as whites!” The tabloid’s plans have left Wittledown somewhat bemused, particularly over the hosepipe ban claims. “The fact is that benefits claimants are exempt from most hosepipe bans,” he points out. “So most readers of The Shite and Reform UK supporters in general, should be able to spray their neighbours to their hearts’ content.”

But the tabloid is determined to open up another front in the ‘white face’ campaign. “Look, everybody knows that the best way to make a story go mega is to somehow involve celebrities,” says Cobbler. “Who cared about peadophiles, for example, until they started unmasking celebs as kiddy fiddlers? Then it was on every front page and we had mobs calling for celebrity lynchings!So, why not do it with immigration?” Cobbler intends using the paper’s front page to query how many British celebrities are actually illegal immigrants in ‘white face’. “I don’t think that it is unreasonable for us to ask whether any of those supposedly white celebrities who have spoken compassionately about the plight of immigrants and asylum seekers are themselves actually illegals in disguise,” he says. “I mean, the idea of some egotistical celebrity doing something for purely altruistic reasons is ridiculous – there has to be something in it for them, like trying to help out their relatives arriving in boats!” Cobbler promises that his paper will shortly be issuing a challenge to Gary Lineker. “Is he really a Bangladeshi immigrant?” asks the newspaperman.  “After all, he comes from Leicester and the place is full of brown people – is he secretly one of them?  We’re going to challenge him to wash his face live on TV to see if the white comes off!”

Rival tabloid, the Daily Norks determined to take the narrative back to the demise of Ann Widdecombe, has dismissed The Shite’s campaign as ‘an unwelcome distraction’ from a ‘national tragedy’ and is instead calling for the police to finally concede that they are out of their depth and bring in expert help. “Isn’t it about time that they brought in Miss Marple?” says Crime Editor Tim Blinx. “After all, this sort of thing is right up her street: some bigoted old spinster, whose views and political connections ensure that half the country hate her guts, gets offed in a small and remote visit in the southwest of England, leaving the police baffled. For God’s sake, can’t the Chief Constable just get on the phone to St Mary Meade and get Miss Marple on the case – with the assistance of the vicar’s daughter and the local cub scout pack, she’ll have it all cleared up in a couple of days!”