Right to Free Pornography

“It seems to me that there’s only trouble at these hotels housing asylum seekers when these bands of neo Nazis – sorry ‘concerned citizens’ – turn up pretending to be locals, whip up hatred and start riots.  Bearing in mind that there are far fewer of these rent-a-fascist cocks than there are asylum seekers, then surely it would be easier to round them up and deport them.  Just a thought,” observes notorious left-wing commentator Nick Swarm in his latest Sunday Bystander column. “Anyway, in their latest ‘victory’ in Epping, their pretext for turning up and causing chaos was that one of the asylum seekers housed in the hotel is alleged to have molested a local child.  It’s all about protecting the children with these guys, isn’t ? Which is very commendable.  Except that these bozos also oppose the Online Safety Act, which ostensibly has the same aim.  I mean, if it isn’t OK for British kiddies to get felt up by foreigners then surely it must also be wrong for them to be exposed to online pornography?” No stranger to controversy – indeed, his critics would claim that he actively stokes it – Swarm’s comments have, predictably, triggered a furious reaction amongst the British right, who have claimed that their opposition to the Online Safety Act is clearly not inherently incompatible with their child protection agenda, that the two are entirely separate issues. “Yeah, I know, I’m effectively comparing apples and pears in order to make a false equivalence,” responds Swarm.  “But that’s exactly how the right works, so why shouldn’t we start using the same tricks?”

The opposition of right-wing extremists like Reform UK to the new Online Safety Act is, they claim, based upon the fact that it represents a clear threat to freedom speech. “To suggest that it somehow shows a disregard for children’s safety is an absolute travesty,” contends former Tory MP Mark Porker, who recently defected to Reform UK, having lost his seat in the 2024 General Election. “The right’s record on child protection issues is second to none – it is an absolute priority right across the right-wing spectrum. Damn it, even someone as reviled by the leftist establishment and media as Tommy Robinson puts the safety of young girls at risk from grooming gangs front and centre. So passionate is he about this cause that he was even prepared to go to jail over it by refusing to allow police access to his mobile phone, for fear that corrupt coppers might be able to identify some of the hundreds of victims whose photos he has stored there.” Swarm rejects such claims out of hand. “Oh come on! The real reason why these right wing cocks are so opposed to the Online Safety Act has nothing to do with it being a threat to ‘free speech’, as Nigel Farage has been bellowing about,” he says.  “No, that’s just misdirection.  Patently so, as I’m afraid that I don’t see how having to verify your age when looking at pornography in any way restricts anyone’s right to express their opinions. As for the argument that it restricts the freedom of speech of those producing the porn because it restricts their potential audience, well, the last time I looked, flashing your knockers and fingering your bits online weren’t considered an inalienable human right!”

According to Swarm the right’s reasons for opposing the Online Safety Act are far more self-serving, not to mention downright sleazy. “What they are really afraid of is that it restricts their ability to look at porn with complete anonymity.  They are afraid that their data might be leaked and they’ll find themselves exposed as pervs who look at the most depraved smut imaginable,” opines the writer.  “But they can’t come right out and say that, can they?  I mean, Nigel Farage, for instance, can hardly say that he opposes the Act because he wants to retain his right to anonymity whilst getting his daily dose of extreme Nazi-themed porn, now can he?”   Admitting that you enjoy watching big buttocked girls – with a large swastika tattooed on each cheek – getting thrashed by a guy dressed as an SS trooper from the waist up, but sporting suspenders and leather chaps from the waist down, Swarm argues, isn’t a good look for anyone who has ambitions of becoming Britain’s first fascist prime minister.

“Likewise, Tommy Robinson, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon or whatever the fuck he’s calling himself these days, can hardly risk his followers finding out that he enjoys nothing better than jerking off to pictures of girls in Hitler Youth uniforms,” Swarm muses. “Or even worse, looking at ‘Asian Babes’ clad only in a see-through Hijab. I mean, that would surely undermine his credibility with those beer-bellied, toothless cocks who turn up to his rallies.” Swarm is quick to point out that these are only hypothetical examples and that he isn’t accusing either right-wing extremist of impropriety. “Obviously, I’m not saying that either of them are aficionados of such stuff, or even of any other type of porn: this is just a hypothetical example and I have no proof that they do any of this stuff,” he declares.  “But, you know, they might, mightn’t they?  And if they did, they wouldn’t to risk it becoming public knowledge, would they?” Swarm freely admits that he has his own reservations about the Online Safety Act, but not because he wants to cover an extreme porn habit. “Look, I too think that the Online Safety Act is a misguided and very poorly framed piece of legislation,” he says. “But at least I’m honest as to why I oppose it – it’s requirement for age verification, or rather the methods employed to meet this requirement, represent a gross invasion of my privacy, not to mention a potential risk to private data.”

Swarm’s comments have left Mark Porker gasping. “This is an utter outrage – even by that lowlife Swarm’s standards,” bellowed the former Tory MP – who is currently seeking selection as a Reform UK candidate for a parish council by-election on the Isle of Dogs – during an interview with Bulldog News. “To imply that such fine upstanding figures as Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson, men noted for their integrity and honesty, should be looking at this sort of filth is an utter travesty. Look, if either one was to look a pornography – and I’m not saying that they do – I’m sure that it would be of the tasteful and artistic kind, involving nice English girls striking classical poses with no clothes on. Certainly not any of that stuff with dirty continental girls wearing nothing but coal scuttle helmets. Quite frankly, Swarm should be taken out into the street and horse-whipped for this gross abuse of so-called free speech!” Swarm remains unconcerned about so far unconfirmed reports that both Farage and Robinson are planning to sue him for libel. “Good luck with that,” he chuckles. “I’m sure that they’d both be happy to make their laptops and phones available to the court for forensic examination in order to prove that they’ve never looked at dodgy online porn sites.”