Peeping Tom in the Sky

With various NATO countries plagued by swarms of drones, probably emanating from Russia, causing airport disruptions and security alerts, one expert has offered a startling explanation for their presence. “It’s the question that everyone is asking about these drones, just what are they about, eh?” says former intelligence analyst and online defence commentator Dan Ficklesten in his latest You Tube video. “Apart from the obvious that is: causing security scares, testing defences and generally trying to spook people.  But there must be more to it than that, surely?  I mean, it involves a Hell of a lot of effort to effectively play games with Russia’s rivals.” According to the thirty two year old Luton resident, who has found fame with his videos analysing both the Ukrainian conflict and Russian relations with the West in general, he started his analysis of the drone situation by asking himself what one would generally associate drone activity with. “The thing that I couldn’t get away from is that here in the UK, one usually associates drones with peeping Toms and voyeurism,” he explains.  “Because, let’s be honest, that’s what most people buy those camera equipped drones for – not aerial photography, as many of them claim, but actually for trying to spy on young female neighbours sunbathing in their gardens or undressing in their bedrooms or bathrooms.  If they stumble across some amateur outdoor porn shoots while doing that ‘aerial photography’ of the local woods or common, then all the better!” For Ficklesten there could be only one conclusion – that the Russian drone swarms have similar intent – to snap illicit nude footage of Western women.

“I mean, the more you look at it, the more that it all fits,” he declares. “Damn it, which country has been plagued the most over the past couple of weeks?  That’s right: Denmark.  A Scandinavian country – and what is Scandinavia renowned for – apart from gloomy crime series and novels?  That’s right – pornography.” Not just any pornography, Ficklesten points out, but some of the filthiest in existence, all freely available off the shelf at your local Copenhagen newsagent.  “Everybody knows that the Scandinavian countries are just chock-full of beautiful, liberated women who take their clothes off at the drop of a hat,” opines the analyst.  “So, where better for Russia to launch the pilot scheme for its voyeur drone operations than a Scandinavian country?” But exactly why would Russia be expending its resources on filming naked Scandinavian women?  “Well, I think that’s pretty obvious – it all comes down to the war with Ukraine and the terrible toll that has taken on the indigenous Russian porn sector,” says Ficklesten. “They were already facing the problem of their top female porn performers going overseas to get naked and perform sex acts on screen for higher pay and warmer climates. With the war many of the potential replacements have fled the country both in protest at the war and to escape the repression of the Putin regime in general.” On top of that, he notes, most of the strapping young men who used to get naked and do the business onscreen are now cannon fodder on the front lines, being maimed and killed in alarming numbers.  “They are simply lacking the human resources to produce their own stuff for domestic consumption in sufficient quantity to meet demand,” Finklesten claims.

The severe shortage of beautiful men and women willing to get their kit off for porn shoots has been exacerbated by Western sanctions which have cut off supplies of Western pornography and the Russian government’s blocking of many Western web sites, believes the analyst. “This has left everyone in Russia, from those on the homefront looking for some erotic arousal as distraction from a collapsing economy and repressive laws, to soldiers on the front line desperate for the sight of female flesh in order to boost their morale, just gasping for some good honest smut,” says Finklesten. “Hence, the drone operations intended to snatch illicit shots of Danish women getting naked and, hopefully, having sex, whether it be with themselves, with each other or with guys.” That, he postulates, is why the drones are being sent out en masse – the logic being that, by the law of averages, if enough of them are out there filming, then some of them are bound to get some hot footage for Russian porn sites.  “Sure, it won’t be as good as the professionally produced stuff, but when you are desperate, then you’ll be grateful for anything you can get,” he says. “Besides, there’s always an eager market for this sort of voyeur stuff.”

While Finklesten’s claims have been dismissed by NATO officials, they have received some support from ex-military sources. “There’s no doubt that the Kremlin is becoming extremely worried as to the effects on frontline troops of these porn shortages,” says retired British Army Colonel Archie Bashington-Snell. “As we know, the Russkis are extremely homophobic and there are genuine fears amongst the top brass that, the longer their boys on the front have to live in an all male environment with no relief for their sexual urges from porn, the higher the chances are that they’ll start going gay.” According to the colonel, the Russian Defence Ministry has tried to boost troops’ morale by distributing pictures of a shirtless Vladimir Putin riding his horse to frontline units. “Obviously, an image that homoerotic has simply made the situation worse,” Bashington-Snell reveals. “So, right now its at crisis point on the front, with tens of thousands of soldiers desperate to get some good honest heterosexual smut to jerk off to, so as to stave off their gay thoughts about their colleagues. Without it, they fear that the entire front could collapse.”

Doubt has been cast upon the credentials of both Finklesten and Bashington-Snell, with Ministry of Defence sources claiming that the latter had been cashiered following an unsavoury incident involving a regimental mascot, while the former, despite his claims, had never actually been employed as an intelligence analyst, but rather as a clerk in the pay section. Nonetheless, Finklesten is sticking to his guns with regard to his analysis of the current Russian drone invasion, issuing a dire warning to Western leaders. “Believe me, the drone activity in Denmark is just the beginning: if they get results there, then they’ll move onto Sweden, where the really good stuff orginates,” he warns. “After that, they’ll probably try their luck in the Netherlands, another hotbed of top rated Euro-porn.  NATO needs to act quickly if we’re to stop these airborne voyeurs from turning our unsuspecting women into porn stars.”